Apr 30, 2009

Today something really surprising happened. I was walking on the pavement on the way to my office. A guy was coming from the opposite side. And at a point on the way, there was space only for a single person to pass. And we met exactly at that point. As usual, I stood back to let him pass cos otherwise I knew he would not miss that opportunity to touch me while passing. But surprisingly, he moved aside and motioned with his hand asking me to pass. I was so flustered by that courtesy that I could only mutter a feeble thanks. He smiled in reply.

I am sure that was not a Mallu.
But he certaily looked like one. :(

Apr 29, 2009

We call what is beyond our control, Our Fate. And what is within, Destiny.

What we fail to notice is, both are essentially the same.

Apr 28, 2009

Irritable Irritant..

I can be irritable when I want to. Really irritable.
I am more like this kid, when I decide to be so.

It is a maths class.
Sir notices that the students are losing concentration after an hour of continuous maths drill.

He tries to cheer up the environment with his jokes [mostly made on himself]. But they do not seem to work anymore.
He resorts to his last straw. Puzzles. More like, logical puzzles.

'OK guys, we will do some puzzles now.'
The students close their notes in appreciation, with a call of 'Yaay!'
This kid, likes the teacher and his ways. Young and energetic, the teacher knows how to make people laugh at his expense. But, he kind of was haughty at times and partial to the guys. How she was on the edge of 'despising' it! And she was also a bit bored and exhausted at the kneading of brains.

She decides to have fun by giving him a gala time. Of course, like him, she knew how to do it at her expense. But this time, it had to be mixed. She just hoped he would take it in that spirit.

'Here is the puzzle. Two people, big shots. Businessmen. They need to pass a file from one to the other. They have people around them. And the people are not trustworthy. Each have a lot of boxes with them. And locks and respective keys. But one does not have the keys to the locks the other has. They find a way to transfer it.'
A pause.

Kid 'Cant they just give it to each other and shut up?'

Teacher with a look of 'not again!', 'They cant do it themselves. They have to pass it through the people around.'

'Can they use any number of boxes?'


Kid 'Lock up the thing in a box and send it along with the key.'

Sir ' Anyone can open it!'

Kid' OK. Send the key the second time..'

Sir 'What if the person threw the keys away?'

Kid 'Then they can throw the box away too!'

Sir 'They wont'

The class has started murmuring a bit. They know these two would not stop till one of them won. and neither seemed to let go.

'Shut up and sit there kid! You don't speak sense at all.'

The kid was a bit hurt. But would not give up.

A pause.

A someone out there, 'the smart Alec' of the team, declares he found a way.
Sir goes and listens to him as he whispers the way. 'Ah! He has the answer. Anyone else?' Sir looked around the class avoiding the kid's eyes knowingly..

And the kid thought.. 'Good , now I can carry on the argument happily. The real answer is out.'

Suddenly she got an idea. Long ago, someone had told her, if you cant understand them, speak very normal things in exceedingly confusing language and confuse them. :)

'Sir, I have the answer too.' She stood up enthusiastically.

The teacher had a 'my-goodness-whats-it-this-time!' look.

'Sit and speak.'

'No sir. I prefer to stand up and speak.'

'Sit and speak.'

'No, I want to stand and speak.'

'OK then say!' exasperated.

'First lock the file in a box and send it. Then lock the key of that box in another box and send it. The other can open this box and use that key to open the first box and get the file.'

Sir looked at her. Slowly a look of comprehension came over his face..
'Excellent! Never thought there was another solution to it. I am sorry you speak sense. I take back all those things I said about u.'

The kid sat. With a smug look on her face and a hint of a grin at the thought of what was about to come.

The other students looked at each other with utter confusion. Sir decided to explain.
'OK Now guys, this is how it is done, take the file and lock...
What was it again?' He looked at her with utter confusion.

She repeated it. Slower this time, but in a way that only he was able to comprehend and not another soul there.

He tried rephrasing it. And found that he was confounded for a moment.

So, 'What will he do with the key of the second box?'

'Send it after it'

'Told you once, they may throw the key away.'

'They can throw the file and the box too.'

'Told you they cant throw the box!'

'But that is not fair..' a voice of indignation...

trailed off and suddenly rose to say.. 'they can use any number of boxes. Put it in another and send. And the key of it in the next and so on..'

'Shut up and sit. I take back my appreciation to you.' He was irritated. And she was quite happy she had achieved it.. She had a grin of glee. Everyone in the class was grinning. She gave a knowing grin to her best friend in the class. :D He grinned back. :D

The teacher explained the real solution, which was quite obvious after it was explained although, the kid never lost the grin on her face for the rest of the class.

As soon as the class was over and everyone was leaving, she grinned at the teacher with satisfaction. He looked at her like 'wait for the next class'. She knew this would continue till the year end.
Her best friend in the class came over and asked 'Yaar, you were quite in form today, what happened?'

'I will always be in form in his class. I love irritating him. :)'

He rolled his eyes and smiled knowing she would not change..

I am not just like that kid, I am that kid.
And yeah, I had read the puzzle before, in a book I own.

Apr 26, 2009

Baby Talk.

I love babies. I love babies talking. In fact when I am with one, I am one. You would never know the difference. And they relate to me equally well. May be cos I have an inborn ability to deal with babies, as Amma[Mom] says.. Some incidents have occured in my life, when babies completely unknown to me, took a liking to me and followed me. Until their parents took them away forcefully. And most had started crying then. Magnetic shall I call it? :P

They are so sweetly innocent that they steal your heart and steer your attention to anything they are doing. Even their drools are perfectly charming if you ask me. If they scratch out something on a piece of paper, that is more than art. It is the beauty of their souls. Such untainted souls.. The way they walk around creating that feel of love everywhere..
Look into their eyes. And their eyes speak. Trust me, it would take an equally innocent heart to look into their eyes and catch their attention.

I hate some kind of babies though. That are a bit grown up to understand that they will get attention if they baby talk. And they intentionally try to bring in that language into anything they speak. And they sound really awkward when they do that. Not just that, after they speak, they look around to see how many appreciate. No. I hate that. If you can speak alright, you have to. You will be appreciated for doing that.
But alas how to let the kids know! Right? Well, I let them know. For one, I stop smiling when they do it. And ask them directly why they baby talk when they can speak like normal. Most get a bit afraid and talk normal. Some get upset and shut up, hold their nose up and walk away. Good for them. Impostors. And good for me. I wont act like I am pleased with those actors in bloom. Those who wont, wont get my audience again. And they miss it terribly that they stop it anyways.

There are some people who act rude to babies, just for the heck of it. I admonish them if I can. For instance, one of my relatives, who is well known for his temper, and I were sitting together, watching TV. Suddenly, his child, a little 4 year old, walked into the room.
This man shouted at the kid "Come here you idiot!" I was surprised. But felt he might have done some mischief [very likely!].I stopped watching what I was and concentrated on them. The kid looked scared and walked slowly towards us. Fear was evident in his eyes. As he got near us, the man lifted his hand up and touched his forehead. 'Ask amma to give you your medicine.. RUN! Now!" The kid had fever and this man felt it was ok to shout at it. For no reason whatsoever.

I held the kid back and said. "If that was what you wanted to say, you could have said it softly. Why scare the kid?! Even I would have been scared by the way you shouted." The kid finally smiled cos may be he had too much of this at home every day. I dont get to meet them a lot of times. Hence I have no idea. But will tell you this. This man used to scare me when I was a child. I would hide behind cupboards when I went to his place and he came home after work. Just cos of fear. Not that he would do anything. But never had a smile on his face. As I grew up, I got over the fear and started facing him. And would not let him inflict that on any more kids if I can help it.
That man laughed uncomfortably. But I hope he had held back from scolding the kid at least for some days hence. Though I am sure of a relapse. That kid still sticks to me always when I go there.

These days I see something else too. Babe talk. No need to elaborate I know. All flirty flirty..! :) Donno if I like it or not. Do not. More like.. :)

I would rather say,

"Babies talk like themselves and get loved.
Babes talk like babies to get love."

Apr 22, 2009

I tried running away from the mirror that was tied to me.
The mirror won. I let it. I feel content now.

"Oh Mirror! Thanks for not letting go."

But tell me, how did it really go? :??
I am moderating the comments here due to some really nasty ones I received. Please dont mind guys, I want this to be clean of crap. :)

Critics are always valued.
But they should have something of value.
"മോഷ്ടിക്കുവിന്‍ നിങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് ലഭിക്കും.
അന്വേഷിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ നിങ്ങളെ കണ്ടെത്തും."

Apr 20, 2009

Once, I got hold of a mehandi cone. As a gal would do, I painted my hands with it till there was not an inch more of space on them. Then, I had no idea what I would do with the rest of the mehandi. I was walking around with it and attacking all those things which I felt, would love a red tinge on them..
Unfortunately, dad came that way. And with a swift motion, I hid the cone and the phone directory I was 'working' on, and put on an innocent expression on my face. Dad had nt even noticed me. He was busy on his phone.
Slowly, I started feeling at home and resumed my mehandi designing. In the meantime, dad had put a hand on my shoulder unconsciously. Suddenly, an idea hit me. I took his hand walked behind him and started my work. And by the time he had finished the call, the mehandi had dried and colored. :D
Poor dad. :D Had to walk around with a closed fist for almost two weeks.. :D Thankfully, he enjoyed the prank as much as I did and laughed with me. :) Or he would have killed me.:D
I love my dad!!! :D :D

Apr 18, 2009

25 Things About Me..

1. I prefer reading movie scripts to watching them. Strange enough, I have a feeling I might end up with someone who 'loves' watching films. :) [God save me. :P]

2. I have never grown out of this 'slim' brim. Been more or less the same. I used to eat a lot. But it never showed on my body. Now, Idont eat too much. But I still remain the same. :)

3. I use dictionaries whenever I can. Somehow, not lazy when it comes to words.

4. There was a time when I used to get upset when some said a swear word. I have gotten used to them now. Trying to get back to the old self after a pathetic scene of begging for forgiveness , having swore at someone close. :( [Mind, it, I dont do it that frequently. Not the swearing part re! The forgiveness part! :P]

5. I HATE noisy bikes. Silent is elegant.

6. Half my blabber does not make any sense to normal human beings. May be that is why I end up being with verrrrry abnormal people. :P

7. I hate eve teasing. Eve teasing is gross and lame and all the adjectives that exist in English that are synonymous with the aforesaid. Wtf do they get by simply passing comments on some lady walking around esp if she is all by herself?

8. I have goddam mood swings. One moment you see me all happy and exuberant. The next moment, all moody and sad. And I tend to pass it on to people who talk to me, the mood I am in.

9. I had a bloody temper. Not that I have completely brought it under control.. But, that fury is now a 'had'. :) Once in a while that old me comes out unexpectedly even for me. Well, I still have no idea how I manage then.. :(

10. I loooooove potato chips. Can live on it practically. :D Do not need it to be branded. It could be just something I fried. :D I have even skipped lunches to eat them. :)

11. Dilbert is my Bible. I wish I could LIVE Dilbert. Can go on reading and reading and reading it. :)

12. I cant manage a day without milk. I have a glass of milk daily. Morning. If flavored, the better. :)

13. Brains and silence are my weaknesses. :)

14. I am a lazy thing basically. But if annoyed or challenged, I do not stop without achieving it.

15. People call me stubborn. But I donno why I cant be or whether I really am. Its my life. I live it the way I want. Not the way others do.. So, gimme a break!! :)

16. I am inquisitive. I ask questions and bug people till I get answers [and results]. You could say I love knowledge. But equally dumb at quite a lot of things. :D

17. I used to have a good command over my voice. Mom n dad arranged for my muZic lessons.. Being a 'stupid' rebel, I discontinued soon. I regret it now. But have decided to get back to muZic and art, intensely, soon in life.

18. When I say I forgive, I mean I forgive. But like my dad advised, I dont forget. It just means, I mean what I say. Not what might seem implied. :) Sometimes, I play with words to remain truthful.

19. I have not found my passion yet. But I have a strange feeling that it might be a bit [lot :P] to the creative side and more to do with communication than anything else.

20. There are some things I love, but do not like. There are some things I like, but do not love. I have to live with both.

21. I love languages. And appreciate creativity and intelligence even in someone I loathe.

22. After the recession and job blues [and indigenous knowledge from 'sources' :D ], I have become real careful about money. And ways I spend it. And thanks to my dad n a close friend for this. :)

23. I was born a non veggie. But prefer to be a vegetarian.

24. There is no grey for me. It is either black or white.

25. I took days to compile these 25 things about me. Even weeks. Which makes it clear that I am pretty confused and ignorant about myself. Or rather to say, I have not given myself much of a thought. :)

Apr 14, 2009

Awaiting the End

See the tears in my eyes?
That is how I will live for life.
The love of test and the test of love,
both are past and I lost all.

Will the end be as brutal?
Or will it turn a bit pleasant?
More like a living death,
for heaven has conspired
against the love I had.

No no.. It was not his fault.
Was mine.
I swore.
I swear.
It was mine.
Blame my company,
blame my tongue.

I lost my senses
and fainted to fall.
I lost my smile
and its planted now.

How will I hide my face?
How will I kill my grief?
How do I embrace death,
to forget what I felt?

I dont want to live this cursed life.
It is useless to live and to die.
I was not the only 'one' now.
May be, I were even the last to know.
Fight me Death,
If you can..
Slowly.. I am coming to you.
Dont count me a coward.
Not anymore..
I am braver than then..
And acquiring it a lot more.

Yes.. Death,
fight me if you can.
You are nearer me than
you been ever have.

Apr 13, 2009

Shivani, for you..

I announced at home that I am going to blog publicly, dad and mom did not think of reacting, or at least move their noses and grunt in response. However, my granpa, who was immersed in his daily regional newspaper scourge, lifted his head and looked at me enquiringly. I didn't suppose he was looking for an explanation [Even if he was, I was not in a mood to explain anyways.]. I went back to my room and to my computer. Well, I was kinda addicted to my computer these days.. Could not live without logging in at least once, everyday..
While I was working on my newly decided Internet venture, I heard a knock on my door. Thinking it was the maid who had come to clean, I mumbled a 'comein' and concentrated on what I was doing.. Then I heard the familiar tap of the walking stick and turned back to see my granpa leaning over my shoulder and trying to comprehend the numerous buttons and letters on the screen.
"Can you please tell me what exactly is this bolgging?"
"It is not bolgging, it is blogging granpa!"[I stressed on the word 'blogging' to get the point across clearly.]
"Yes. That. Is it done on your compooter?"
"It is done on the computer"[Again stressing on the word and getting annoyed that he was trying to interfere in what I was doing and that he was pronouncing all those words wrongly.]
"Why did you call it public, when it is on your compooter?"
"Bcoz from this computer, other computers can see it."
"Really?? They can see what you are doing?"
"Yes." I was getting more and more irritated at his ignorance.
"What do you exactly do when you blog?"
I was well known for my bad temper, but did not want to hurt him. "You type out things. and publish it."
"What are you publishing?"
"I have not decided."
He dragged a chair for the other corner of my room and sat near me.

O.K. So, he was not going to let me alone. I will have to bear with him, throughout my work! I swore under my breath. 'Dammit!'
"You carry on.. I will just sit here and not disturb you. I want to just see how you do it."
I decided to ignore the fact that his bespectacled face was nearer to the 'compooter' than mine, while I tried typing out something.
Needless to say, I was not able to type out anything.. After some 20 minutes of mental tsu-nami, I finally decided on writing about 'Photo editing and Advertising'. And then I started typing out vigorously. After I published some very 'Technical Whining' about photos and advertising, I sat back on my chair relaxed. "Finished!", I told myself.
"Now, can everyone see what you typed?"
Starting, I remembered 'the' spectacles and saw a face eagerly waiting for a reply.
Seeing the childish curiosity, I could not refrain from smiling.
"Yes granpa. The world can see what I just typed out!" I was grinning at the thought..
"The whole world?" He was looking at me suspiciously.. "Yes. The whole world."
He silently got up and went out. I was finally happy that everything was done. And that he didn't ask anything else. Or I would have had to explain the facts that I just blogged. I closed my eyes and relaxed again.
"Ammu, Can you do something for me?"
I opened my eyes to find granpa standing near me with a wad of papers in hand. "What is it Granpa?"
"This is Shivani's. Can you.."
"Can I what?" I saw his eyes getting watery.
"Can you publish them for me? She always wanted to publish her poems. But I was not able to do it for her when she was with me. Though she is not here, I want her athma to be happy seeing this.. "
I got up from my chair and let him sit.
"She always hoped that one day these poems will see daylight. I want her to know that I still love her and always wanted to make her wishes come true.."
He was looking down on to his lap and I found myself watery-eyed. I always knew they had a beautiful bond between them.. But now I knew how much he was missing her. And how much he loved her. I had always argued about the insensibility of arranged marriages and now, I felt something was amiss in all those arguments. My definition of love itself seemed wrong. I sat down and put my hands on his lap and looked up into his eyes. He was crying silently.
"No granpa, you have always made her wishes true. And you will make this wish, true too. We will do it together" I smiled at him. He lifted his head and looked at me. "Really?" I saw that child-like curiosity on his face again. And smiled. I held his hand and said "Yes. Really."
He smiled a watery smile. And I felt that smile was the best I ever saw in my life!
Thinking about the uselessness of my stupid 'Photo editing and Advertising blabber', I sat out on my chair and created another account. And needless to say, Granpa insisted on "shivani4u@gmail.com". :)

Apr 9, 2009

Random Thoughts..

Sometimes, when you are not loved by anyone else, you have no choice. But to love yourself. :)
Ever wondered why I love myself so much? :)

It is painful to stop talking to someone you love. But it is more painful, when the other does not notice your absence. :)
Yesterday. I was completely mad. Mad as M-A-D mad. Just venting my frust. Nothin else in this entry.

On my way back from a very tiring day at office, [Note : I already have a slight headache.] I unfortunately got into a bus with a driver who thought the horn was some kind of a toy to amuse his muZical senses. Would not just remove his hand from the button.Kept on honking different loud 'tunes' ceaselessly, that I really had to plug my ears with fingers.
Adding to my misery, the owner thought it was better to have two horns in the bus instead of one. And this guy was trying remixes with them in his 'spare time' as a driver.

"One honk there, one on here. One beneath the steer and one on the road."

I wanted to ask him whether the godda^n horn worked on 'nothing'. Blasting away two wheelers and four wheelers from his path if they had the ill luck of crossing his path. Seriously bored he was, I guess, to resort to these kinda 'deadly' games while driving.
Even if there were no vehicles in front, he carried on his honking. Such screeching screeming sounds!! :( I thought it was better to get as far from him as possible.

And I ended up near the conductor, who had a bell of his own. [Roll eyes with frust!] Now don't underestimate his belling capacity. He had a freakish sounding one for his own use, more like an obsession for him and made my life hell again.

I changed my position again to the far inside of the bus. This time I ended up near the speaker. And some bloody Reshammiya remix was it. God. I felt the driver was better and scooted from there.

The journey ended soon and just as I got down, the door checker gave me a parting whistle blown right into my poor ears. Thanking god that it was finally over, I walked back home wondering about the plight of the ones in the bus who travelled till the last stop. [Incidentally, the driver n conductor.. What about them? :? ]

I wonder how I can express my disdain. They gifted me a lasting blasting headache. Thanks to them. :-|

PS- It's time we had a law that punished @%#%#$ who made public nuisance with horns n songs like this. Not that it would be followed [so very like our other laws. :-| ] . But just for the heck of it! Ah would love to see Reshammiya jailed first. :P The police would learn a lesson. :D :D

Apr 5, 2009

Romance is never cheap.
Some even pay dearly.

Apr 3, 2009

No no. Am not larger than life. It is just that they think I am inevitably important. :P

Apr 2, 2009

Romance in the air.. Let it be. Shh..!

I was searching for songs online and saw a very rare pic of Rahman in his early career. I remembered those days when the Roja was a total hit. The muZic made me literally fall in love with him. His talent made me awed. And to this day I love him. The long hairs left flowing.. the thick eyebrows.. big round eyes.. that silent look. He is really handsome. Hehe.. :) Un[/]fortunately, he is married. [:P] [fortunate for him and unfortunate for me.. hehehe :D]

Suddenly I spotted a song link.. 'Duniya Haseeno Ka Mela..' This took my memory back to some 90's.. [God. I feel old. :P] This song must have been one of the first to bring out the romantic soul in me.. The very first but was 'Mera Mann'. I have no idea which film either is from. But I can still get back to that innocent romantic feel when I listen to them. The first time I heard Mera Mann was while having dinner in a restaurant during a tour. And I suddenly wanted to dance around. Waltz rather. Later, throughout the night I sat staring outside the window of the bus thinking sweet romantic things. It is an awesome feeling. I still get it when I am alone and travelling. Especially during nights. It reminds me of my first romantic moments. There was no particular guy in my mind while I listened to the song. But a faceless someone who would love me with passion was carved somewhere in the back of my mind in those moments.
I guess, the image I formed during those times still serve as a standard scale when I evaluate a man.

I used to be pretty imaginative about romance. The nearer I got to the reality, the more practical I became. And hence, this innocent romantic feeling I had, got buried somewhere in the chaos of life. As I said, I still get the feeling when I am alone.. But li'l would those dreams come true. :) Not that I mind. Cos as soon as you get something, the value diminishes considerably. No. I want to treasure those moments of joy. Forever. :)
I freed my birdies!!!! :D :D :D
They are better off outside.. :D
Feeling reallllllllly happy. :)
They deserve their freedom :)

Apr 1, 2009

Helpless me. Help this birdie!

Just days..
And you have taken my heart,
-my Birdie!

I wont let you go,
I will hold onto you.
I know you are acting healthy.
But the feathers that fall,
tell a different story.
The sore on your head,
painful; pains me.

I can see the others,
preening, cuddling and ruffling.
trying to help you,
trying to protect you.
God knows from what!

I feel helpless.
So very helpless.
My 'developed' skills feel mocked.
My human speech, impaired.
I cant understand you.
Your fears. Or ailments.
I feel crippled.
I cant be with you when you need me.
What good is that friend?
What good am I?

Should I just let you out?
But will you survive?
Or perish in the chaos of nature?
Or would you want to be here?
And try your luck in here with me?
I do not know how to help you dear...
I have never been this helpless in past, near.

But, hold on.
A teeny weeny bit more.
Lemme try everything I can.
We will make it back to health.
Right back to health!

MY Birdie,
Just hold on.
We will make it.
Right back to health! :)