An Apology

Our old home was on rent. A medico had taken the house. He and some of his friends at the Medical college were staying there. We didnt bring our furniture from there to our new home believing nothing old to the new. New wine in new bottle.

Recently. their 11 month lease got over and somehow dad said we could take some furniture from there, if we wanted. So, I told him I wanted my table back, something I had from 6th standard.

On getting the table, I and my cousins [who were on a visit that day], cleaned it up. And one of them found a diary in one of the draws.

It was his. The medico who took the house on rent. And useless and indecent, we started reading it. Not much. But it was his private stuff and his heart in a way. He must have forgotten to take it.

We mused for long with it reading his stories and poems and daily entries.

After everyone left, I restarted the cleaning.

And then I found something that made my eyes wet.

I found my long lost treasures. My old poems, stories, diary entries, letters,[ok, I was a fan of snail mail long back :)] and some special stuff.. And the thing is, it was in the lowest draw. He used the table for sure. He had seen the package too. But the whole thing was unopened. Untouched. He had respected my privacy. And I stripped him in public and laughed at his emotions. I feel bad. I respect him. And regret having done that.

I should have listened to amma when she said I should not read it. For a bit of fun, I read it. Sorry man. I am really sorry. He left for the Gulf right after his convocation. So, fat chance I will meet him again.

So, I apologize here. I am sorry. I didnt feel I was wrong then. I wish I had not. Now.

Durga.

'Normal' is always a highly overrated notion.

Happy Rip-Public Day! India Still Rips Public.

Some Marriage Thoughts

You know, these marriages, they are hell. Like Bloody hell. No no.. Not mine. Dont worry. No man is enough idiotic to try that one 'adventure' yet. I am talking about people. BTW, people means anyone other than me.

Yeah, why is the question. Because, marriages are places for elders and even for younger fellas to advise. Advise is an understatement. Strip people to death is the right phrase. Those jobless aunties and Grandmoms, those orthodox uncles and hearing impaired granddads...

I was stripped for all the faults I was born with -and acquired faults too- in the most recent one.

I had no mind to attend it. But since it was my cousin's I had no choice.

The critics start working even before the marriage takes place.

"Oye thangu, what are you wearing for the engagement?"

"Black. Patiala"

"No di. Wear Saree"

"Can't"

"Why? Cos you wont look good?"

"No. [You $&$*(^! #$#@ you. I always look good. And saree is when I look the sexiest.] Cos I just dont feel like it."

"But you are next. Of course, you and her."

Aunt chipped in pointing at her own daughter and me. My cousin was older than me by some 6 months. So my defense was feeble. But I dont give up.

"Let her wear it aunty. I am only after her."

I cursed no one in particular for the phrase "You are next" in my mind.

"But what is the difference? You are just 6 months younger."

"No aunty. You want me to jump lines?"

That silenced her.

"No no.. That is not what I meant... Of course you cant jump lines."

"Then I will wear it for her marriage."

Even though my cousin and her mom tried persuading me to wear it for the engagement AND the marriage at every single chance they got, I would not hear a word of it.

I go there wearing a black patiala. For the engagement.

No, the advice thingy just started.

As soon as I get in, I see countless aunts and uncles ready to pounce and find faults.

"You know, you should wear the hair down and open. Dont tie it up so."

There. Started.

"No. Actually.. ."

"Aha. New necklace?"

I was saved by go[l]d from answering the question about my hair.

Will she come over and save me from the mess wind can make of my hair? And anyways, it is trouble. The more the people, the more hot the auditorium would be. If I wear the hair down, I would die of heat before these people kill me with suggestions. I thought.

"No. The old one. I just started wearing it."

"Hai Hai! She has started wearing gold. She wants to get married!" All excited aunts. From God-knows-which-generations.

No you idiots! This is the only time of my life I ever got to wear it. With a strict school and pathetically orthodox college, I just had my 1947 August 15.

I smiled so that they would not know what was going on inside my mind.

"You know, Sarala's brother's brother in law's marriage function..."

I move away from them knowing their loooong attention span left from me as soon as I typed the full stop in that sentence.

I move away and get near men. Ok. Men dont worry about what I wear. Thank God!

"Hey thangu, you look lanky. Are nt you eating anything?"

Oh. One of those nosy uncles from god-knows-where. To hell with my assumptions. As if every single uncle aunt out there were worried more than me about my health.

"Actually uncle, I dont want to run like you people later in my life trying to reduce my weight."

"..."

I moved on.

"Why are not you wearing a saree? She is wearing one!"

"Cos it makes me look older than I am" [ Go be satisfied. I know you say it for thaaat satisfaction. If I dont say it, you anyways will.]

"Ya ya.. But you know, it is the age."

"Yeah uncle. But anyways if I wear it, you all will say it is for 'plump' people. Why do I have to take in more of those?"

"Ahem.. Ahem.." [He chose not to hear my sarcasm.]

"Here, I will tell your dad." And he calls dad. Dammit. They surely should be desperate to see me in a saree to recommend it to my dad.

And they talk a bit. Owing to the 'long' span of attention, they divert to lots of topics ranging from climate to the marriage to money to...

And I scoot.

And then, grandmom comes in search of me.

"Your grand uncle is searching for you dear. Go meet him. He is standing outside."

I walk outside thinking I could get some fresh air and 'adviseless' environment.

"Aha! There you are. Know why I called you?"

"Nope uncle. Why?"

"Your teeth have to be clipped."

"What??" I am seriously thunderstruck. At his blunt reply and at the rudeness.

"Yeah, they protrude so, the only thing people ever notice is your teeth."

Yeah, cynics like you never even notice the face.

I choose not to say anything. And then he prods again.

"See, nobody will even look at you, forget marry, with that teeth."

Suddenly I am no longer in a good mood.

"Oh uncle, it is ok. People are already in queue. They never seem to notice my teeth. I think I can manage lots of looks with this teeth."

He looks at me like I just blasphemed. Man you asked for it. I didnt want to piss him off. So I bit my tongue and say " No uncle, I have an appointment with doctor soon. I am seeing to it." So much for respect for age. [Roll eyes!]

In marriages, you get as many advices, as there are people in the hall. Everybody minds everybody's business. And as the saying goes if you are next, you do have time for nothing other than the "you-improvement-committee". Man, I see people. Human elephants to ugly ducklings. I dont go offering advice.

Marriage was better actually. People were lesser and most knew me well to offer any advice. But the engagement was so bad [ad-wisely] that I was too wary about the marriage.

PS- It really frightens me to think "You are next". I need to complete my MBA and/or get a job and be 'settled' [or as my friend prefers, 'get a base'] before it. And the only protection I have is an NIT-ian with a job, who has already made it clear to her parents that she wants to get married as soon as a guy who fullfil her conditions comes.

PPS- Though her conditions are a bit far fetched that I would be amused if she got a guy before her bond period. :D

PPPS- I wore funky jeans [complete with 'yo' accessories] for the marriage and those 'saree-advocates' opened their mouths wide; [in horror or amazement, I will never get to know] and stared blanky. :P

Spittoons..

I remember the day I started working. Everyone does you know.. When they get thrown out..

Ah yes, I was thrown out. For something really silly.

I remember coming from my village in a Transport Bus and getting down to find the roads so dirty I felt like puking. We were poor at the village for sure. But our women always cleaned the place [for want of doing something most of the time. or because they were obsessed.]. Don't they have women here? I thought then.

I forgot to introduce myself. Ramu. Driver cum servant cum maali cum everything. Or I was. Until one day morning, suddenly. I used to drive their Maruthi Zen. Old model. Sirji's dad's.

Been working like a dog for three months and I get thrown out without driving that Skoda even once! Ah the goorkha at the gate, [I never made friends with him.] he told me why I was thrown out as I walked out of the gate with a smirk on his face.

I will tell you why. Today morning Sirji and Madamji went to 'close the deal' with the car fellow. They were buying a new car. And naturally the driver went with them. I went, we bought.

On the way back, Sirji drove. Reaching home, he went inside with his Madamji.

I looked around the car. Wow! steel. The seats were plusher than the other car. I had never seen the insides of a car like that. It had glass on the roof. Like old houses may be. You know, to let light in. Waah! Sirji! What a thinking!

I looked into the rear gap. You know, behind the back seat?

I saw a rug and two spittoons. You donno spittoons? Arrey yaar! We spit paan into it. This was the only time I felt true respect to Sirji. He had not forgotten the traditions.. First the glass roof and then this.

The spittoons, on either side.. covered with net, so that spit does not spill while the car jerked.

shiny vessels inside. Of course. Brand new.

Did I tell you I chew paan? Ah! I do. Only bad habit.

You know, then the very natural thing happened. I felt like I should inaugurate the spittoons. Both of them. I was the driver.

I went in, put fresh paan in mouth and came out. Chewing. When the juice filled my mouth, I collected it. And spat.

Sirji had come out and was looking at me. I had not noticed. From the portico. As soon as he saw me spitting, he came running shouting choicest words in Hindi which I cant say here [ We have children and women reading me ji.].

And beat me. And then he asked me to pack and leave. That same day. Madamji came out and stared not knowing what was wrong. I would not blame her. Even I didn't know what was wrong. Did Sirji want to spit first? He should have. I was not even given the due salary.

Well, on my way out, Goorkha, with a smirk on his face said," You are as stupid as you look. Are not you? You gauvalla? Will anyone otherwise spit on 1000 Watt PMPO [whatever that means!] Dolby Digital surround sound system speakers? " And he laughed. I wondered how they could not be spittoons. I still do.

On the next day, I saw Sirji's address. And an advertisement above it in the local newspaper. For a new driver. :(

I felt like telling him. Don't chew paan. You will get thrown out. Even if you do, let Sirji spit first. :(

Maaaaan! I wish I had an island of my own...! :( :(

A cottage, lots of sea, trees, garden, me and birds, me and nature.. Next birth.. Surely next birth! :)

Hmm... Dreams are beautiful cos they don't come true. :)

If you start the journey on the wrong foot, you never finish it properly.

PS- Aint a superstitious remark. Just symbolic.

Life is too damn serious to handle alone.

Learnt one thing though. After trying God of Small Things and Midnight's Children and Garcia Marc, You will never touch a book that was anywhere near winning the Booker.

On "Midnight's Children".

Aint so great as the hype indicated. Trying language at first. But as you get used, it is nothing more than usual "growing up" of a kid. And the only plus I see is the description of our independence through a commoner's eyes. Half way through.

Then you see loooooong winding dribbles of info about his life. Some very unnatural. Some pervs. Some unclear.

I seriously donno how that one ended up with prizes.

But then, Garcia Marquez managed to get prizes.

PS- Happy Budday to an undying 'fan' of mine. :) :P

May God bless you with a hundred years' happiness and love. :)

Love,

DN

I always wonder.. Whom do atheists thank when they have to thank someone or something for a
'coincidence'? ;)

Typical Typos

Once, there was a him and a there was a me [ok. there still is. or are. or wateva!] And we chatted. It is natural to make awkward mistakes on chats. One such embarrassing mistake.
Him: yeah.. they got two.. one in uk and one in hk

me: oh

avdem undo [*they have it there as well?]

!

Him: 1 sex

10:31 PM *sec!!

me: :D [Could not help grinning for a long time. :P We were talking about people remaining together at a place. :D ]
But of course, I guess we just grinned like idiots and let it go. His must have been an awkward grin though. :D

---

Another day, another time. During another chat. He pointed out another friend's ( a girl) status msg, "beauty with brain". His phone shows it truncated until you click on the user.
So how does it look? [Me thinking hard.. :P ] And it shows.. " [the gal's name] - "beauty with bra.."

me: oops

Him: haha

me: :D [Kept grinning like ashamed idiots. But this time it was my turn to be awkward. As if I could do anything else. :-| ]

Time will pass and these silly things would be what make me and us smile. After everything else has changed..

PS- Saw one such post on the bloggerworld and hence thought I will post mine.. :)

CheerZ!

DN

Genius is when you keep winning.

Intelligent is when you win once. Spectacularly.

Here goes an sms chat with a mate.

"So, should we go today?[for the GD class]"

"Yup. This would be the last day without Liza eating my head."

"Why ? Is she coming tomo?"

"Yup. And guess what? She wants group study with me! :( "

"Go teach. :P"

"Shall I drag you into it? :P :P :D "

"No thanks! I dont have more exams to write. :P"

"Hell man! Even I dont! Why should I go then?! :("

":P :P"

"I dragged myself out for the next two weeks. But later...."

"hmm.. :P"

A little while later,

"So, are we going today?"

"Should we not?"

"Nope. I will go for my violin class today. We will go tomorrow."

"Ok. :( Peace."

That ended my hope for a sane day at the GD classes. Nothing wrong with that girl Liza. Just that she gets a bit clingy to me. It somehow irritates people. :( And is a kanjoosi who, in spite of having NRI parents and stinking money, gives us missed calls expecting people to call back. She even calls you from her land line and asks you to call her back. I feign deafness when I know where that is heading. Well, there are limits.. Right? :)

Little things do piss me off. :) She would do that to you too. Aye?

Some books are so famous, you never hear the author's name.

B-Ra[nk]-gs :)

I had not checked anything about my blog for long. Once upon a time, I was obsessed with how my my blog ranked. It seems, when you leave everything to its natural course, things do get better.

I just saw their graphs. These Indi people. My googlerank had come down to '0' from the '1' and somehow, those days I let it go untended to, it had grown, to 2.

And I just realized Alexa rankings worked the other way round. You know, lower the better.. Not that I really care about Alexa though. :) Google, yeah, I cared. I would have been sad if I saw the Google rank come down to zero. A bit. After all, it is just a rank. :) I would blabber away no matter what the rank ended up as..

Had been reading. Reading is an understatement. A book a day. Wow! Old lust for books. :)

600-650 pages a day. :) Something to talk about for a bibliophile like me. I usually start with fiction, run to sci fi, sciences and then philosophy. With philosophy, that chain ends. And I go back to naught. And then, it takes some time for books to entice me back to this chain. Now I am on one. And yeah, just started fiction.

I have plans to get more books. This damned private bus strike is not letting me. They are already charging 3.50 minimum that people prefer autos for short distances. Where are they going to? 5? Would be too much guys! I feel like saying. What with Nano rolled out, and several other giants following the suit, it is a matter of time before the small cars would fill our roads. This rate would make us more obsessed with it. And people dont earn just to spend it on commuting! It is only a matter of time when buses charged a minimum of 10 to make both their ends meet.

Anyways, I am asking every single one of my friends for books they can lend me. Scourging for books. As soon as the strike ends, I am on to get them. :)

Hopefully, today or tomorrow, with the NESMA. :)

Till then, just dreaming about them..

Love,

DN

I dont know what to say about my present, for it changes every moment. I cant say anything about my future, for it is yet Unknown.
My Past is a Past. My Future, Unknown.It is no use pondering over past, coz I cant change it. and so is future,I cant predict it. but i can live my present like, there was no past and there is no known future. And I carry on my Life like, "There is no hell of a tomorrow and there was no Heavens of a past!.."

Christmas Thoughts.. And New Year's

This year, no one asked me what my new year resolution is. Usually people would be on frenzy asking what I am onto this year. May be finally it got onto them. I dont take "New Year resolution"s.

Once upon a time, this was a fantastic conversation opener. We could talk on and on about the stupidities and needs of a new year resolution. Some years back, when I was still at school, dad used to make me take a resolution that I would study every day's lessons the same day. Some years into this tryst, he left the effort. I was never gonna change. :)

And anyways, the day I take a new year resolution would be the day [almost always] I broke it too. So, it never made any sense.

Years of innocent joy in school, I remember we had gift exchanges on Christmas. Which always took place on the new year reopening day cos of the 10 day long vacation.

Most of the times, I saw born enemies exchange gifts. Smiles on face and grunts behind. One year, I myself had to do it. Though I made sure it was not a loving gift. No dammit, I dont like to make it look like I loved a person, I hated with all my heart.

Then we had all those wealthy people, who were too damn kanjoosi to limit the gift to a card or so. We also had those "not well to do"s who would spend the whole year's personal savings so as to give this gift a good feel and to not be considered poor.

The most wonderful moment on this gift ceremony is the moment when someone comes and tells me secretly that preferred having me as a Christmas friend than the one they got or the one the other person got. I feel awesome even now about those moments.

And then, Appa used to bring a kind of flower from our fields that looked like it was made of snow. You know, a flower made of snow. On a miniature way, it looked like a snow covered tree. I used to decorate the crib with this flower. And sprinkle the path to the crib with its 'petals' so it looked like it snowed.

It was a wild flower. But it holds a special place in my heart. And gives me a sweet pain during the cold days of Christmas.

This year, the Christmas was brief. Amma was home [major attraction.] Went for Christmas shopping, bargained, bought, argued, joked, played along, bitched; all those things I ever wanted to do for a long time. Ate. Drank. Talked. Made merry. That was Christmas.

No crib, but had enough lights here and there that people thought underneath all those lights, there WAS a crib. :)

Christmas is special. So is the message it brings. Of a new awakening, a new year, a new chance.

So is everyone, who is with me on a Christmas day. :)

Happy Nu-Yar!! :)

Yay! Finally the bloody [No, I aint swearing. Remember all the blasts and killings this year. :)] recession ridden [all those people affected by recession, I feel for you.. :( And I feel for me, whose life was inadvertently affected too... We are out of it, Yay! again!], sick [Remember H1N1!] and testing [I have not forgotten all those tests I had to write.. :| ] year, has bade its good byes. Wooh!

I feel somewhat happy about it. That was a year I was happy to see the back of. [Pun unintended. :)] However, this year will leave effects on everyone of us. Lasting. Some with gaps gaping on Job Profiles, some with sour relationships, some with ill luck having topsyturvyed their lives.. Ah!

So what good did it do to my life? Learnt a lot. About people and their behaviors. Discovered Math. Tested bonds were either broken, or strengthened. Broken ones were never mine. So I really do not regret. And strengthened, those will be with me for life. Discovered passions hidden in me. Did some gardening [Yeah, pretty jobless].. Learnt to distinguish between good decisions and bad decisions.. [Or so I feel. This year was one of bad decisions. First, the idea of pursuing Advertising and recession toppled my castles. Second, Saying no to further studies and getting coached for entrances. I lost a year. Saying no to jobs that would have easily be mine... Long list. :)] But yeah, this has made me cautious. It brought me back the old passions of pencil sketching, MCing and other creative stuff.

I hope 2010 is a better year. I hope to get back into a track rather than this sitting idle and rusting. It is a year of hopes.

Have a wonderful year everyone! :) Happy Nu-Yar!

<3,

Durga Nandan