Darkness, my new(old? :?) theme.

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again.
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence.

अगर किसी को प्यार हो जाए,

तो उसका दिल मत टूटने देना|

अगर कोई बेकरार हो जाये,

तो उसे उसके प्यार दे देना|

ये इष्क का दर्द बड़े बेवफा हे.

दर्द देते हे फिर भी बहुत सुन्दर हे|

OK. I accept that I am mad.
But that makes you a coward. [:P]

New pets home!

Dad got home some birds today. :D :D :D My! I am sooo happy. :)))) And I thought dad hated pets. :) Seriously.. He used to beat up every dog n cat out here if they happened to come to his compound. May be, he has a particular liking to birds. :D

They are sooo lovely.. A green one with black spots, an orange one with brown back, and two yellow ones with black heads. I do not have any idea what they are called. I mean, I tried searching net for the name. Could not find it. N dad particularly forgot to ask. :(

Been chirruping the whole day. And I have been happily listening to them. They sound something like 'tweek tweek' and I have a feeling I have seen those kinda birds somewhere before..

Felt bad at first. Li'l things in a cage.. N seemed scared of the new surroundings.. Dont they deserve their freedom? I had a sudden urge to open the door and let them fly. When I told dad, he said since we dont harm them but care for them, it is ok.. And they may have been eaten by something even if left outside. Well, that settles it. And I dont feel like letting them go now. :)

Somehow, they did not take in anything processed.. :) I tried rice, dosa n all that. :D Got a nasty 'nah' from them. :) Not even a 'cut' guava or apple. But a whole grain, now, that was a 'Yes'. :) N so, now feeding them with grains and water. Anyways, that is what those people asked us to do. :)

And now, those teeny weeny things are trying to get a nap. :) Typing out ever so softly so as not to disturb them. :) One of them, [I donno which] even slightly snores!!! :-o It's hard to believe birds could snore. But well, now I do. :)

Chweet things.. :)

"If this is madness,
I don't want to be cured.
If this is pain,
I don't want to painless.
And if this a wound,
I don't want to be healed."

A lady : "I love my husband too much!!"
Me : Yeah, 'too much'. [roll eyes!] May be, you feel you should lessen it a bit? :-| Why the fuss lady??

PS - Saw this on a site. Just a slip of tongue. But means a lot different.

A freind who can not understand you when you say a 'No', is not really worth it.
N yes, I meant you. :)

Wannabe Hither?

I see you far away,
but I am afraid to tell you this.
You are everything,
I ever wanted my eyes to feast on.

You'd glide even further,
when my thoughts do track you.
So, I hide my thoughts now
and let you be hither.

I see people around,
all blind in love and loved.
All I can do is, wait for you,
till you would love to.

But I see you gliding further,
and lose all my hope to death.
But I am holding back,
just in case,
You want to be hither.

Those Eyes..

There was this moment,
when everything seemed funny.
We laughed and laughed and laughed.
Til our eyes were wet with the joy of thoughts.

Then it changed to moments serious.
Everything was serious; You and me.
We talked and talked of things in life,
till our eyes were deprived of sleep.

Then came the time when we were one.
Everything was us and us, for us, everything.
We shared our lives, like the lovebirds did.
That is, till you wanted to abandon me.

Oh, everything is the same.
At least for me.
But I just cry,
till my eyes do die.

Virgo, Leonine and some Astro Thotz..

Last night, I found a sudden curiosity in my mind to check out horoscopes and varshaphalas and all that for the year. It was a long gone craze.. But this sudden interest, well, I met it with a queer curiosity. And I started browsing.

Typically Virgoish, I keep lists and hence, had a long forgotten list of sites, I used to follow long back, somewhere in my comp. I started going to each, one by one. Some sites' links had been broken. and some others had taken Horoscope to 'Paid Services' [which meant I could not use them again] and the rest, yes, I checked out the rest. Incidentally, the free ones all had the same predictions for me. Sun sign, Moon sign, whatever. The same on every site - Funda : Gyan muft he, phir shikayath kyu?-.

Browsing around for long, with the usual questions ranging from things like love, marriage, career.. blah blah blah..! And good time, bad time.. You know... And needless to say, I met with endless number of fraud sites and pop up windows. But patience pays. :) I satisfied my curiosity.

I do not know if there is any scientific base really. But since most of the 'generalizations' about a sign turn out true, I do not know if I should turn it away just like that, completely.
And I do not know why our ancient scholars, so focused on knowledge and wisdom, would spend their whole life on something that they could not prove like a science. May be, they did have a way to do it. And I dont know whether all the branches of astrology are equally 'dependable'. But personally, I prefer Indian [Vedic] astro [which says I am a Leonine] to Western and others.. [Now dont ask me what is the difference. I dont know. For me,Vedic turns out truer than others. That is all.]

Then slowly I started thinking about the reason of why people go to find out future even if they wont be able to meet it a second before and even though they will not be able to do anything about it anyways.
It was hope. For a better tomorrow. For happiness. And since they claim it to be based on some 'planetary calculations', we tend to feel more secure about what is said. Something based on 'obscure sciences'. It also satisfied curiosity,[like it did to me] to a certain extent. It gives ego boost. May be, humans tend to go to fields like this, mostly when they feel insecure about lives? Yes, it is just a may be. :)

Jungian Personality Types (Free Test)

ENFP - "The Advocate"


ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

They can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives.
ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.

outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking.
ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.

Ranked 1st of all 16 types in using social and emotional coping resources and 2nd in using cognitive resources.

Saw this on R.K. 's blog and took the test myself. :)
It seems I am stupid at logic and math as usual. :) On the other hand, good at somethings I love...

Well, not bad. :)

Gyan : Relationships are reciprocal.

Me : I am not good at math. :-|

My Train Saga - II

This post was supposed to be published long before. But I was quite lazy and it was in 'drafts'. So, here it goes...

My computer is screaming, at a "not so low" voice, a song praising Krishna.. And I am trying to Google out some ways to feel better about myself. But of course, I am on one of my downtrodden states. . For 'god-knows-what' reason.

Lemme talk about my day today. Looooong day in fact.. :)
As usual, I was late to get up. And then, the whole business of getting ready.. I hate it actually. When I should be sleeping like anything here, ironing clothes!!.. :( [Imagine the pain, and empathize with me. alpenliebe!! :D] I would never do it beforehand.. I am too lazy for any chore that takes more than one minute of my concentration...

And then, I run.. Knowing very well that I was past the train timing of Indian Railways. Of course, Indian Railways are "infamous" for their time constraint. And I had managed to surpass it. [roll eyes!]
I run, cos dad would kill me if I missed my train. And as I got into the station, I found that my very valid fear had come true. - Missing my "Chennai-Alleppy". And "Passenger".
Checking the display board, I found the next train running one and a half hrs late. The one after it, was on time. And that one had a name I had never heard of. Anyways, reaching my destination was more important to me than the name of the train. So, I decided to while my time of one hour in the waiting room!! And I had not taken my iPod with me as well. :(

So, as jobless as I could be, I started scribbling in my notebook. And the lady sitting near me was like "Gosh !! What a gal!! Scribbling nonsense!!" And then she turned and asked " Which train?"
I looked up and said "The one for 8.30" mentally calculating that I would be able to reach my class only for the noon session.
I got back to my scribbling.
"What is this?"
Looking up again, I found she was referring to the work I was doing and that the question was to me.
"This is an ad."
"Oh!" all wide eyed. I noticed then that she was aged. But has tried to hide the age with dying her hair and some cosmetics. A bit to the plump side.. And short. [For me at least. ;) ]

"Ya"
"You work in the ad field?"
"I am not working. I am a student"
"Where?"
Since she seemed genuinely interested, I told her "Ernakulam"

Anyways, after a lot of inquiries about the background of the field, prospects and all such stuff, she said she was a big shot government officer.

"Great. A big deal with me. " I thought. Wondering if her post would help me get there a minute sooner.

And then, slowly time dragged itself and it became 8.30 the train came. She told me about the existence of a general compartment. But told me "If you want you can even travel in the reserved. The general would be very crowded now. "
"But the TT..." I was apprehensive.
Oh! You are a lady. He wont mind." saying this confidently, she left for her bogey.
I was left wondering about her comment.

Later of course, when I saw the rush in the general compartment, I decided i would better travel in the reserved.
I got into it. As soon as I sat down, a very charming young man, who noticed my schoolbag [Of course, I used the school bag even then cos it had no wear and looked brand new, even after 2-3 years of use. Ah, never been a keen student. :P ] asked," Regular?"
I just smiled.
"Unreserved is behind this"
"I know"
An old voice interjected. "It is ok. She wont be able to travel there today. And moreover, the TT wont mind. If he comes, just tell him you will get down at Aluva and get into the other compartment. It is ok child."
I smiled at the man who said this. A cloth bag, chandana kuri, white kurtha and a book in hand characterized him. Of course, that beautiful smile.
I felt secure finally cos I was afraid, really afraid if the TT would come and kick my @$$ for this. At least someone thought I stood a chance unlike the young man.

I looked at the young man, dressed up like he had an interview call and hair pressed on by iron if you miss my irony. :P
I took out a book and started reading. Namesake. After some time the old man coughed. "Ahem ahem!"
I looked up. Saw he was trying to catch my attention. Again, another exchange of casual talk about what I was doing at Ernakulam. Well, the only difference between his comments and that old lady's being that he was a bank employee and declared to the compartment that a my job [in the ad field] requires "an intelligent and very imaginative brain".

I gave a modest answer and returned to my book.

Later he turned his gaze to the new comers. A lady with 2 kids. Small kids.
As soon as they sat, a very worried hubby came to the window and peeked into the compartment. His eyes lingered over the young man. And then later, when he saw me and the old man, he smiled. "Please see to it that she is safe. Its her first time alone. Kids also.." I and the old man smiled. The young man, was 'still' expressionless. And then, to the wife "Do get down there. And give me a call. I will call Sandeep up."
"Ya"
"Kutta, dont get mischievious. Mummy is alone. Daddy will scold you if you do."
The elder of the kids nodded.
But I saw a knowing smile on the lady's face. :)

The train started moving. The man outside kept on reminding her of the call when she got down, running with the train. Finally, when he could no more keep up with the speed, he gave up. She waved to him.. Ah how caring..! :)

Some minutes passed unnoticeable. But soon the younger of the kids tried drinking some water, and the older snatches the bottle away. The younger one cries. Mom scolds. As soon as the younger sits [or tries to] at the window seat, the elder pushes him away and sits there. It cries.
Later, when its mom let it sit on her lap, he pushed his younger bro out of her lap and lay on it. Well, the mom was nearing desperation. The younger was crying like anything. Wailing rather. The elder wanted to irritate the baby as much as he could. God. :(

Finally, the elder was put on lap by the old man. And the younger was tired of crying and started sleeping. I felt sad. May be my motherly instinct. I dont know. These frequent outbursts made me look up from the book I was reading.
Anyways, Ernakulam was nearing. I closed the book and checked my belongings. And got up.

"Going?" the old man.
"Ya."
Smile.
Smile.

The young man fidgeted a little. Looked up. Tried to smile, but failed. May be cos he saw the look on my face.
I got out. North station.. The train stopped in the middle of the tracks. "Wish it wont do this in South as well." Some people got down there. Two guys came and stood near the door.
The train left. And the South never came. It went on. And on. The guys stared at each passing stone. Suddenly I just knew. This was never going to go to South.

I went into the compartment and asked the woman right in front "Can you please tell me if this stops in South?"
"I donno" she said without even looking up from the books she was browsing through.
"Do you?" I turned to the man on another seat."No. It does not. Why?"
"Did you have to get down at south?"
"Ya"
"ayyo mole! ini enthu cheyyum? adutha stoppil erangitt thirichu poru."
[Ayyo child.! What would you do now? Get down at the next stop and travel back."]
"Its Thripunithura next. Get down there."
"Ok thanks. " I smiled. :)
And waited for Thripunithura..

Thripunithura never came.. Or may be it did. But this train didnt consider it manners to stop there on that day.
And then I saw two more people panic. The guys who were near the door. They came and asked me "Hey, does this not go to Ernakulam South?"
"Nope. Even I thought it did."
"s#!T! What will I tell my boss?? God!!"
Frantically, this fellow started walking on the little space available like a husband with his wife in the labor room.
"What do we do now??"
I said "Get down on the next stop and travel back." [God knows when it would stop again. I thought in my mind]

We waited. And waited. For the next stop. The man who had advised me to get down at Thripunithura, came out after sometime and saw me.
"Oh! sorry, they didnt stop at Thripunithura. Lets see where they stop now."
"Do you have money? Need any money?"
I gave him a smile and said, "Thanks. But I have money with me."
"No, if you dont, dont hesitate to ask."
"No, I am sure, I have money. " A smile again.
He stood there waiting for the next stop, with us.

And hark! They stopped at some "onam kera moola" for engine change. And I breathed "unasthmatically".
I was wondering what I would do there. The guys and I got down.
As we walked, the man shouted "Please take care of her, she also had to get down there. " The guys nodded.
And to me " Just get into a bus from here and you can get down at the town."
"Thanks" I shouted back to him.
The train moved.

And then, we walked. The three of us.
One of them was mumbling under his breath about a presentation that he had missed.
The other was cursing his boss for deputing him there.
I was humming a tune and walking, asking the locals for directions. [Anyways, I messed it up. Why should I mumble over it now? I would as well, sing a song and enjoy the view. The place was beautiful.]

Finally, we reached the stop. Bus stop. Looked more like a cow shed. Except for a local, the "shed" was empty.
And I Inquired about the timings. Lucky for us, there was a bus in 15 minutes.
The guys were still cursing under their breath. I watched the local try mending his watch.

The fifteen minutes ticked by. And a very "new" bus became visible down the lane. Before getting into it, the guys said they would pay for me. Though I resisted, they became real gentlemen and got ready for a fight. :) So, I accepted defeat [Well, I thank you guys. I didnt get a chance to do it then. :)] and got into the crowded bus.
And I reached Ernakulam and got down. They must have either gotten down before or later. Either ways, I never met them again. I felt bad at not having at least thanked them. :(

Walking a lot more, I reached the insti to just discover they had "onam celebrations" there!!!!! For heavenssakke!!! WTF was all the trouble I took for?? I could as well have stayed at home. Felt upset for some five minutes. Then decided, I might as well, enjoy the day.
Had a nice lunch and a pookkalam and left at two.

As I reached the station, I just found my Netravati leaving. God!! The next train was at 3.30!!! Imagining my "luck" I sat back on the chair there and really felt like crying. :((
Sat there for another one and a half hours and got back home by 6.

Had a fight with my sis and lost my temper with a friend.
And finally, typing this out.
Wonder if I ever had a 'better' day. Huh! x-(

The Other day at NITC Contd..

It has been long since the old post was in. I just thought I would complete[:?] the NIT adventure now.
My cousin took me around the hostel to meet all the people there. She had already put it on BBC that I was coming. And had mentioned everything I had ever done in my life, to each and everyone of her friends. They eagerly were waiting to ask me all about the stuff. Trust me, I felt like a showpiece sometimes. :-|Aaand I was irritated to know that her friends thought I was exactly like my her. :-|To make matters worse, I had worn a chudidar exactly like hers. Was mistaken to be her 3 WHOLE times!!!! x-( I do mind. I am me. :( Not her. I felt like killing someone every time they mentioned it. Humph!
And ya, on the way meeting her friends, I met the gal who rode bikes. She was taller than me. And she was real muscular. :D

One thing that disgusted me, [though it might entertain guys] was that, in the hostel, gals walk around in minimal clothings [I should really stress Minimal here!]. My shock came, when I had gone to their mess and saw a 'gal', who was 6'2" tall and 2 foot wide. [This is no exaggeration. She really was that big.] She was also was walking around in minimal clothing. I do not venture to say what the dress was. [roll eyes!]

Then later that day, I was sitting in their basketball court. Was like 9PM I guess.. Another gal was walking in front of me, in a mini skirt [Should I call it micro?? :?] and 5 inch pointed heels of some weird fluorescent color.]. Talking loudly on her phone. My cousin later told me, it might be to her boy friend. [So, was he going to see her on the phone? For godssake! It was just a call. And late night, when they could not get out of the hostel. Whom was she trying to impress with those make up at that time of a day?!]

Had a sore throat by night, cos I had been blabbering to all her friends without an end. I even woke someone up, to tell them about my life at the radio station. God knows whether she was bored off her a$$ or whether she was really interested in it.. May be she was not.. :( But thanks re, you made a good show of being interested alright. :)

Somethings I liked about that place.. It was a beautiful campus. Really. And has rekindled my want to be in a campus like that soon enough. And the freedom. Well, yes some do misuse it. But I am sure, it will be heaven for me after having compelled to 'complete' 3 years in a college where I spend most of life's 'unpleasant and constricting' moments..
My cousin. Oh yes, I love her too. :) [Oye, I gotto go there again very soon.. She would kick my @$$ if I didnt 'mention' how much I love her. :(]
Ah saying this, I look forward to my next visit there.. :) May be I will have a better rokkin time this time around. :)

Just made me think. Why am I staring at this comp screen at this wee hour without particularly having any aim or sense?
Do I ever make sense?
Am I schizophrenic?
Or is it just that I am almost always 'normally' mad? [Come to think of it, ain't all? :?]
Been wondering about the madness and schizophrenic part for long now.. But still have no idea about the reason for me to sit and stare at this screen right now.

May be, it is the helplessness of not being able to communicate with someone. Or it might be a sense of direction loss as usual.

My mind is wandering again. I wish I could get back to yoga. Those days when I could control my mind well. Yes, I might get back to yoga alright..
One of these days.. Damn. I am gonna catch 40 winks. Almost 2. May be, today's mailing will be done tomorrow.. Or rather, yesterday's mailing, later today.. :)
Good day to myself..! :)

PS- As usual, I think I will do the mailing part from my mobile.. :) Just cant sleep without that.. Hehe..

Living in a mirage with a gut feeling somewhere something is wrong, is a frightening feeling.. :)
When you realize those fears are true.. I cant describe that feeling.. :)

A Serious Thought about Social Networking.

I am not too much of a social being. I blabber a lot. It is one thing. But when it comes to getting comfortable in a social get together, I really take time. I am basically a reserved fellow until someone gets real close. But when it comes to Internet, I kinda do well in making and keeping a social network around me. Not all know me well. And not all are my friends. But somehow everyone remains my acquaintance. And I can recognize the person by his writing style. With Orkut, I tried Facebook as well. But decided to remain loyal to Orkut since I felt Facebook was kinda not on my frequency.

I have been on Orkut for a long time and during that time, I have made 'friends' as well. But to know them from inside, I had to resort to other methods like chatting and mails. Orkut has a single profile that talks about a person with some random communities and cliche' questions. I used to wonder what Orkut meant when it asked me what one would find in my bedroom.And the crap about a headline. I seriously donno what the mean by that, even now. 8-O

Scraps are fine alright. But then, I had to switch from one scrapbook to another to know where the conversation was heading. [Oh yes, I peek into your scraps if I can manage and if you make some sense to me. :P] But then, it wont make any sense if the thread is broken or if I end up reading it long time after the scrapping is done.

Yesterday, while I was lost in thoughts, I suddenly wondered whether the blogging community should be considered a better means of social networking on net.. I personally, came to know about people more through their blogs than their scraps and profiles and other things. More of a clear and unhindered picture of life is portrayed in a blog than in a profile which mostly remains the same throughout. A blog is from one's heart and anything one feels gets in there. And you can ignore things you dont want to comment on. The conversation starts from the blog. Not the blog or conclusion from the conversation. It holds space for debate and discussions. The forums do. But I donno how many people are keen on following what happens on a forum or community. I have not checked most of the communities I am a member of. It is just the name that made me join most of them.

It feels good to finally have a way to peep into minds of people without actually having to be too assertive and nosy. A blog is a window to a heart.. It is a way to a mind. :)

Seats and Thotz.

In school, our teachers experimented with the seating arrangement of students of our class and they stay in my mind like plaque.. Well, not bad as a plaque, but guess they will stay in my mind forever. :)

It starts off in 4th, from Sivadasan sir, [the one with a long fingernail on his lil finger who pinched me with it for the silliest mistakes I made in English] who put kids who were good at studies and the ones who were 'not so good' together, in the expectation that the ones who are good would help the ones who are not. He was our class teacher and English was his subject of concern then.
Well, I remember I was left standing with a gal who was so verrrrry arrogant and nasty at the end. We were the last ones. And of course, I had to sit with her and try to get some sense into the talks. Poor thing must have found my arrogance an unavoidable trouble. Not that I was too good at studies as well. Even then, I was just average. Seriously. But then , I think he had no other choice. :D

Then my mind races to the class near the bathroom in the ground floor[as my friend asserts :D ], where C.P. Janaki ma'm, put gals n guys together. As in, alternate benches of guys and gals. But those days, it was the max we got close to each other I guess. That was in 8th. :D Whoa, that was exactly the time when the curiosity about the opposite gender starts off.. :) Well, needless to say every single person might have enjoyed the seating. I personally did. I was in proximity to a crush of mine. :P hahaha!! Cant help laughing now that I think back. :D
Well, she had to get us back to our old ways like Tuglak, cos we made the class a mess if I remember correctly.

Then comes Manikandan sir, who asked us to arrange the desks and benches in an amphitheatric form. Well, the class was small and we were 60. Those from all batches with Sanskrit on their minds had to remain in the same class. Hence the large number. Ah, I remember, we used to enjoy being together though. I remember how the teachers started looking forward to our classes and how they praised our class to be the best among all the sections. [Of course, IF someone from the other sections is reading this, I am sure he or she would oppose me. But trust me dude, teachers personally mentioned that in our class once in a while. :) :P]
That arrangement had to be rearranged back to the old one soon cos teachers could not walk in between the desks to reach the last rows n all. The class was not amphi-like n anyway. :) It was squarish. Hence the trouble. Esp the ones who were a bit longer sideways. :D

Then, arrangements according to height, [where I always came at last cos of my height.] numbers, [this was my fav, I ended up somewhere in the second bench then.. ].. Waawaa!.. :( Miss you school!!!

And there... My mind races to the day I came over to college where you could sit anywhere. Oh damn, I sat in the front bench, first seat, [That is my most preferred seat even now.] till I knew how the gal next to me was. Was so very 'imaginative' about life and too full of herself. Exaggeration was her middle name. Slowly switched to the middle bench.. But the college could not give me memories like my school did. At least not good ones..

Every child is a dream in human form. The success he has in life, depends on the expanse of his dream. Well, some are blessed with luck. I have no idea if it is the pay off of good deeds in past or last birth as someone told me.. Or if it some occurrence with the randomness of Brownian motion.
All I know is, primarily, every child has to have a dream to work and to have success.

My dream has always been to never regret that I lived my life and did what I did, while in my death bed. And yes, to love and be loved. I certainly do not regret my life on the whole for now. :)

When you start getting something, you expect that to be given in future. And when you dont get it,

it hurts.
On the contrary, when you get something, you forget how much value it has. And start neglecting it.

Punctuation, the tiger's tail.

The prisoner told the judge that he was an idiot. :D

So, who IS the idiot? ;) :D

നിലാവിനുരു പ്രണയലേഖനം..

ഇതാണ് രാത്രിയുടെ രണ്ടാം യാമത്തിന്റെ ഭംഗി. ഈ നിലാവിന്റെ കുളിരില്‍ പ്രണയാര്ദ്രനായി.. അവളെയും ഓര്‍ത്ത്.. ഇങ്ങനെ..
ഹൃദയത്തിന്റെ വാതായനങ്ങള്‍ തുറക്കാന്‍ ഇനി എന്ത് വേണം?

അവളെ കുറിച്ചോര്‍ക്കുമ്പോള്‍.. ഒരു ചെറു വെമ്പലായ് .. എന്റെ മനസ്സിന്റെ കനവായ് അവളെത്തുമ്പോള്‍.. അതുരു വേദനയാണ് . ഒരു സുഖകരമായ വേദന.

പോകുന്നതിനു മുന്പുള്ള അവളുടെ വാക്കുക്കള്‍.. പിന്നീട് എന്നെ ഒരുപാടു കുത്തി നോവിച്ചു. ഒരുപാടു വേദനിചിട്ടാ അവള്‍ പോയത്.
എന്തിനെന്നെ വിട്ടകലുന്നു എന്ന് പല തവണ ചോദിച്ചു. എനിക്ക് ഉത്തരം ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നില്ല. ഇന്നോര്‍ക്കുമ്പോള്‍, ഇതുപോലെ എന്നെ ലോകത്തുരു പെണ്ണും ഇനി സ്നേഹിക്കില്ല എന്ന തിരിച്ചറിവെന്നെ കൊല്ലുന്നു.

ഒരു പൊട്ടിക്കാളി പെണ്ണ്. എന്നെ കാണാന്‍ വന്നപ്പോള്‍ എനിക്കേറ്റവും ഇഷ്ടമുള്ള ഉണ്ണിയപ്പവുമായി വന്നത്. എന്റെ കയ്യറിയാതെ അവളുടെ കയ്യില്‍ തട്ടിയപ്പോള്‍ നാണിച്ചത്..

ആ കണ്ണുകളിലെ ഭാവങ്ങള്‍.. അത് കണ്ടിരുന്നാല്‍ നേരം പോകുന്നതറിയില്ല. ഞാന്‍ എന്ത് പറഞ്ഞാലും ചെയ്താലും ഒരു പുതിയ ഭാവം ആ കണ്ണുകളില്‍ നിറയുമായിരുന്നു. നല്ല ഭംഗിയുള്ള കണ്ണുകളാണവളുടേത്. അവയെ എന്തിനോടുപമിക്കും എന്നെനിക്കറിയില്ല. ഉപമയില്ലാത്തതണവയുടെ ഭംഗി. അല്ലെ? ആണോ?ആവും. അറിയില്ല. ഒന്നറിയാം. അവ സുന്ദരങ്ങളായിരുന്നു. ആ ചിരിയില്‍ നിഷ്കളങ്കത തുളുമ്പിയിരുന്നു. കണ്ണുകളിലേക്ക് പടരുന്ന ചിരി.

ഒരുപാടു പേടികളുള്ള കൂട്ടത്തിലാണവള്‍. പേടിയുടെ നിറകുടം. ആരോടും പറയില്ല. ഒരു തൊട്ടാവാടി.അറിയില്ല ഇന്നും എന്തിന് ഞാന്‍ അവളെ വിട്ടുപൊയി എന്ന്. ഇന്നും ഈ നിമിഷവും ഞാന്‍ അവളെ സ്നേഹിക്കുന്നു.

എന്നും ഞാന്‍ വരുവോളം കാത്തിരിക്കുമായിരുന്നു. ഞാന്‍ വന്നിട്ടേ ഉണ്ണു. ഉറങ്ങു. വൈകിയാല്‍ മൊബൈല്‍ സന്ദേശങ്ങള്‍. എവിടെയാ? എന്താ വൈകുന്നെ? എന്നെ മറന്നോ? എന്നൊക്കെ. അത് കാണുമ്പൊ, എന്തിനെന്നെ ഇങ്ങനെ സ്നേഹിക്കുന്നു എന്ന് ചോദിയ്ക്കാന്‍ തോന്നും. പേടിയാവും.

ഇന്നീ നിലാവ് കാണുമ്പൊള്‍.. നിലാവ് കാണുമ്പോഴെങ്കിലും എന്നെ ഓര്‍ക്കണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞാണവള്‍ പോയത്. ഞാന്‍ വരും. പുര്‍ണച്ചന്ദ്രികയായി. അന്നെനിക്ക് മാത്രം ഉള്ളതാണ്. ആരൊക്കെ വന്നാലും. നിന്റെ ജീവിതത്തിലെ ചന്ദ്രികയുള്ള രാത്രികള്‍ എന്റെത് മാത്രമാണ്. ഞാനിന്നറിയുന്നു അവളുടെ സ്നേഹത്തിന്റ്റെ ആഴം..

സംസാരിച്ചുകൊണ്ടിരിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ഞാന്‍ എന്തെങ്കിലും കുറുമ്പ് പറയുമായിരുന്നു. പിന്നെ, നിമിഷങ്ങള്‍ നിശബ്ദതയുടെ സൗന്ദര്യം എന്റെ കാതുകളെ അറിയിക്കുമായിരുന്നു. ആ നിശബ്ദതക്കുരു പ്രത്യേക സുഖമാണ്. അവളിന്ന് വേറാരുടെയോ ആണ്.

എന്നെ ഓര്‍ക്കുന്നുണ്ടാവുമോ? എന്നെ മറന്നിട്ടില്ല. അത്രേള്ളു. എല്ലാ വര്‍ഷവും ജന്മദിനത്തിനു ആശംസ വരും. ഞാന്‍ മറക്കാന്‍ ശ്രമിക്കുകയാണ്. എങ്കിലും നിലാവ് കാണുമ്പോള്‍ ഞാന്‍ പഴയ ഉന്മാദാവസ്തയിലേക്ക് വഴുതി പോകും. ഇപ്പോഴും. എന്റെ ഭാര്യ അതിനെ ചിത്തഭ്രമമായണു കാണുന്നതെന്ന് തോന്നുന്നു. ദിവസം മുഴുവന്‍ ഊരുതെണ്ടി നടക്കുന്ന അവള്‍ക്ക് ഇതൊക്കെ നോക്കാനും പറയാനും എവിടെയാ നേരം? അവള്‍ പൊയ് തുലയട്ടെ. ഒരു ഫാര്യ!

എന്റെ നീലാമ്പലായിരുന്നു അവള്‍. എന്റെ ജീവിക്കാനുള്ള ഓട്ടത്തില്‍ പിടിച്ചു നിര്‍ത്തി ചുറ്റും നോക്കാന്‍ പ്രേരിപ്പിച്ചവള്‍. അവളുടെ ഗന്ധം, ശബ്ദം, കൊന്ജലുകള്‍.. ആ നിഷ്കളങ്കത എന്നെ ഭ്രാന്ത് പിടിപ്പിച്ചിരുന്നു. ഇന്നും..

പിണങ്ങിയാല്‍.. ഇത്രയും സുന്ദരമായി പിണങ്ങാന്‍ അവളെ ആരാണ് പഠിപ്പിച്ചത് എന്ന് ചോദിച്ചു പോകും. ആ മാദകത്വം അവളറിയാതെ എന്നെ മത്ത് പിടിപ്പിച്ചിരുന്നു. അവള്ക്കറിയില്ലയിരുന്നു. അവളിലുള്ള... വേണ്ട. ഞാന്‍ തോട്ടൂണര്ത്താനും പോയില്ല. എനിക്കെന്നെ തന്നെ വിശ്വാസമില്ലായിരുന്നു.
ഒരു വീണപോലെ മീട്ടി തുടങ്ങിയാല്‍, തീരുമ്പോള്‍ ഒരു കൊടുംകാറ്റാവും എന്നുതോന്ന്‍ിയത് കൊണ്ടാവാം. ആ കാറ്റിനെ പിടിച്ചു നിര്‍ത്താനുള്ള ശക്തി ചിലപ്പോള്‍ എനിക്കില്ലാതെ പോയാലോ? ഒരു നോക്ക് ദൂരെ നിന്നെന്കിലും.. ഒന്നു കാണാന്‍..

പൂര്‍ണതയില്ലാതെ പൂര്‍ണയായ.. ആത്മാവിനാല്‍ എന്നെ സ്നേഹിച്ചിരുന്ന സുന്ദരി, ഞാന്‍ നിന്നെ സ്നേഹിക്കുന്നു. ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നു. ഇന്നും. ഒരുപക്ഷെ അന്ന് പറയാന്‍ കഴിയാതിരുന്നതെല്ലാം.. വാക്കുകള്‍ അര്‍ത്ഥശുന്യമാവുന്നു. ഈ നിലാവെല്ലാം അറിയുന്നു. എന്റെ ആത്മാവിന്റെ താളുകളില്‍, എന്റെ ചങ്കിലെ ശംഖില്‍ കൊത്തിയ ആ പേരിന്നും മാഞ്ഞിട്ടില്ല. ഈ ഹൃദയത്തില്‍ നീ പതിപ്പിച്ച കാല്‍പാടുകള്‍ ഇന്നും മാഞ്ഞിട്ടില്ല.

നീ കേള്‍ക്കുന്നുണ്ടോ എന്നറിയില്ല. എങ്കിലും..

"പ്രണയത്തിന്റെ നോവിന്നറിയുന്നു ഞാന്‍ സഖി,
കണ്കോണിലൊലിച്ചിറങുന്ന കണ്ണുനിര്‍ത്തുള്ളിയായി.."

- ദുര്‍ഗ്ഗ നന്ദന്‍

നിലവേ..

നീ കേള്‍ക്കുന്നുണ്ടോ എന്നറിയില്ല. എങ്കിലും.. ഒരു വാക്കു..

"പ്രണയത്തിന്റെ നോവിന്നറിയുന്നു ഞാന്‍ സഖി,
കണ്കോണിലൊലിച്ചിറങുന്ന കണ്ണുനിര്‍ത്തുള്ളിയായി.."

- ദുര്‍ഗ്ഗ നന്ദന്‍

The 25 [?] Tag.

Like Dream'R had opined, I felt like blogging on 25 random things about myself. :)
But then, it turned out to be a list of things and people I love.

First things first,
1. I love myself. Like hell. Call me narcissist or whatever you feel like. I am one.

2. I love and am possessive about everything I own. From my mob to my pen to anything. Dont dare touch anything or anyone I love. You will have me to answer to, if I find out.

3. I get turned on by intelligence, humor sense, height, looks and weirdly, silence. Ah a package of all these! gosh!. :D My ideal mate. :D Waiting for you sweetheart. :)

4. My Dad. The being I love the most. Without him, my life is nothing. Just nothing. As someone said, picture me standing on my bed, declaring to the whole world, with arms open, that I love my dad soooooooooooooooooo much!! :D Love ya dad!!! :) Mmmmmuah!! :)

5. I love my family. My mom and my sis make my life colorful. Mom n her humor sense.. Her naughtiness! Her stupidity.. Her love.. Her doubts.. I love her so much!!!! :) More like friends most of the time. Ah temper, well she has a damn temper. More like me may be. :) [Or should I say, I am more like her?] Though most of the time, I have a tendency to laugh, when I see her animated anger. Hehe.. :) We fight like hell. But seconds later, you would see us sharing a stupid joke and laughing with/at each other.

6. Friends. My best friends Anton, Neeraj and Vinu. [Now dont argue, it is in alphabetical order. Not biased. :P] Wonder what life would have been like, if not for them. :) DeeGee.. My bros Arp, Jith. Deep, with whom I have built up a mutual admiration society.. Really love you sweethearts..!! :)

7. I love accessories and apparels. In fact, a friend of mine told me very recently, that they wait to see what I would be wearing every time we meet up. You are spending anyway. Why dont you spend to feel and look good? That is all. :)

8. While I talk about dresses, I cant go without mentioning my love for pink. Damn, I luuuuuurrrrrv Pink! :D :D :D I was nick named The Pink lady' and 'Pinkie', for no other reason. My room is pink. My things are. Dresses are. [At least most.] Even if I try getting something of a different color, I end up with pink. Somehow. :)

9. Durga Nandan n Rishi.

10. Knowledge. :)

Wonder why I feel like stopping at 10.. There is more. But well, this is more like it. The ones I love the most. :)

Love ya guys! :)

You know where our courage lies?

In being able to accept that we are cowards somewhere. Real cowards run from the truth.

But a scared enemy is more dangerous than a brave one. Coz fear will make people really dangerous. Desperate .. And poisonous.

Mockeries keep happening. Dont they?

Mockeries keep happening in life. And the oncoming election is a cyclic mockery in a 'Democratic' country like ours.

As the elections near, the politicians in deep comfy slumber are stirring and becoming socially active for the benefit of their seats and vote banks.

Another election. Kerala's politicians are conducting marches from here to there. And from there to here. Cheap publicity to counter them with 'go back' marches. Crap! I wonder till when we are willing to suffer them. They go blind when people in need and trouble are anywhere around them. They do not mind using the same people when dead, as their martyrs. Suddenly they become comrades.

The joke being, those with some sense, do not get 'successful' in politics.
Youth with more than average intelligence and capability end up being money minded and "goodie gooodie". Do not enter politics. And those youth who enter politics and become innovative, are blasted out of way by the 'settled' old men in the field. The most evident and painful example being Rajiv Gandhi.

I hate politics. I hate being mocked on my face and being helpless about the whole thing. I didnt vote last time. And this time around, I am thinking of voting against voting. Damn this selfish money minded mongrels called politicians. Really damn them!

This and That..

Listening to some songs, close to my heart, I am wondering what I should be doing right now..
and I feel a lot of emotions. Together.
Maths? Ads? Philosophy? Nope. Something else. Something I have no name for.

Just read this - 'Love is nearly a deathlike experience. Making love is so, all the more.' But the joke about love is, love cant be replaced by death. But death can be replaced by love I guess... I just wrote this for the fun of using a new font. But may be, in the meantime, I said some truths as well.. :) The font is one I just downloaded.. It looks charming.. Just like its name.. 'A Charming Font' :)

I am thinking of those thousands who can not find love. I tried typing in CAPS. But it takes too much space. And so I left the thought. I am using a charming font. And waiting for net to connect. These days, it takes 10 whole minutes for this damn thing to connect. And it is too hot in this room.. I wish it had a fan in it. The font characters resemble swords. Do they use swords to write these days? No I guess.. But may be, years ago... :)

If I make it romantic, the knight in armor had a secret message for the princess..
And he wrote it with his sword on sand.. Wow!! She sees it and decides to elope with him. :)
Man, just awesome...! Though very impractical.

I wonder at the pace in which my thoughts ran from this to that.. Its randomness amazes its author. Me.

To You, DoGs.

You are the one that gave me your time.
You are the one that shared those worries of mine.
You got to me, when things went wrong.
You told you will be for life.
And your promise for life, lead me on.
I thought you would be there,
-A friend for life.

Letting me think things would be fine,
You became the one that made me lie.
You the one, that made me spy.
The one, that made me deny.
And the one, that made me cry.

You got the gal.
You shocked the world.
Out of me and out of hell.
Left me like shit.
And my heart was bloodily hit.

Memories longed to be buried.
I let them alone,
I let them roam.
And they had finally died.
Or rather buried from view.

Why don't you let me alone now?
Or wanna destroy my life again?
Why are you getting back to it?
Want another gal?
Want some help?
Or just for the fun of being an irritant?
Again?

God forbid you get your way.
Again that is.
Leave me alone.
Leave me to my life.
Get lost.
And get out.

Weird.

There is something wrong with the world. You work hard to achieve something. And then, the world comes and asks you for a treat for the success you toiled to achieve. They might not have moved a single finger while you were busy working. But still...
It is not just enough you work to success and then you have to make others happy with treats as well?
Man, world is weird. Real Weird.

I have always wondered why guys are crazy about bikes. Of course, they have the right to.. But not 'thaaaaaaaat' much.

My attention was dragged back to this thought when one of my colleagues bought a bike. An FZ. Not any lesser. Initially, it was wokey to listen to all his proud words about it. But later on, it became endless descriptions about his races with some stupid biker on the way here and back. And everytime he races, the bike can only make a single sound. Phooom!!..

Man, seriously, can he believe everyone else would be as interested in his bike races and experiences?

The joke about most of his experiences is that they seem a bit filmy. like, a guy swooshes past him on his pulsar. later, he puts the goddamn thing in 5th gear and races ahead.

And later, he wud be smoking a cigar near a wayside shop, when this guy rides past all defeated..

Way too filmy. Right?

Btw, 'Random thotzz' are really random. No meaning in trying to find a meaning in my words here.. :)

That Face I Search For..

As night falls, I remember the day we first met.. Those moments still etched in my mind..
It was more than a meeting. It was our first moment of happiness. The slums of my life and the dirt of your gang, they would have never matched normally. But there, we saw a weird match. Of the unmatchable.
My eyes may have found the drop of tear you always hid. Your eyes, the drops of my sweat. Or was it the other way round? Or did we find each other? I only remember the night falling and the dissolving of 'you' and 'me', into 'Us'.
My hands, didn't have to probe, to find those blisters on yours. And you didn't either cry out at the hardness of my hands..
Words were not enough to communicate.. Silence spoke for us. The silent night became the silent witness for our weird meeting.
Night saw souls meeting, hands probing and minds racing.

We parted. That was the last time we met. I had to get back to my slum and lot. You moved on with your gang.
Still I search in the crowds for a face. That face that taught me to love and care.
One day we will see again. Yes. I hope to. :)

Dont give me any of your attitude.
I have my own with me.
No thanks. :)