Burning a lot of bridges these days...

വീണ്ടും മലയാളം. ല്ലേ?

ഇതാണ്. എനിക്ക് ഇംഗ്ലീഷില്‍ കരയാന്‍ മാത്രം അറിയില്ല. അതിനു അമ്മയുടെ നാക്കില്‍ നിന്ന്നു കേട്ട് പഠിച്ച മലയാളം തന്നെ ശരണം. ഇടക്കെ മലയാളത്തില്‍ എഴുതാന്‍ ആശ വരും. വായില്‍ തോന്നിയതെല്ലാം എഴുത്തും. ഒരു രസം.

ഒരിക്കലും തിരിച്ചു വായിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ഞാന്‍ ആണോ എഴുതിയത് എന്ന് ഒറപ്പിക്കാന്‍ സാധിക്കാറില്ല. വേറെ ആരോ എഴുതിയ പോലെ.

വികാരങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് ദേവഭാഷ വശമുണ്ട്. അല്ലെങ്കില്‍ മര്‍ത്യയായ എനിക്കെന്തുകൊണ്ട്‌ പിന്നീട് അത് മനസിലാവാതെ പോകുന്നു!

എന്ത് കൊണ്ട് എഴുതി? ആരെ, എന്തിനെ വിചാരിചെഴുതി?

അര്‍ഥം എന്ത്? ആഴം എന്ത്?

മനുഷ്യന്ടെ മനസ്സ് മാത്രം ഇന്നും എന്ത് കൊണ്ട് ആര്‍ക്കും പിടി കൊടുക്കാതെ പോകുന്നു? എല്ലാം അളക്കാന്‍ സാധിക്കും എന്ന് വെല്ലു വിളിക്കുന്ന ശാസ്ത്രത്തിനു എന്തുകൊണ്ട് പ്രണയത്തെ, വികാരങ്ങളെ, മോഹങ്ങളേ, മനസ്സിന്ടെ ആഴത്തെ അളക്കാന്‍ സാധിക്കാതെ വരുന്നു?

വൈശാലി ജ്വലിപ്പിക്കും അഗ്നിയെതാണ്?

അറിയില്ല. ആര്‍ക്കും.

പ്രണയത്തിനു ഒരു നിറം ഉണ്ടെങ്കില്‍ അത് ചുവപ്പാണ്. ഇളം ചുവപ്പ് നിറം.

ഒരു പുഞ്ചിരിയുടെ നിറം.. അറിയില്ല. സ്വര്‍ണ്ണ നിറം ആയിരിക്കണം.

ഒരു വണ്ട്‌ പോലെ.. എവ്ടെയോക്കെയോ അലഞ്ഞു ഞാന്‍ വന്നിരിക്കും പൂവിന്‍ടെ നിറം... അറിയില്ല. ഇത് വരെ ഇരിക്കാന്‍ പൂകള്‍ കിട്ടുമ്പോഴേക്കും അവയെല്ലാം വാടുകയായിരുന്നു പതിവ്.

അകലെ ഒരു പൂവ് കാണുന്നുണ്ട്. എന്നാലും മോഹം മാത്രമേ ഉള്ളു. ഈ പൂവും വാടാനുള്ളതാണ്. മറ്റുള്ളവയെ പോലെ തന്നെ. അല്ലെങ്കിലും മ്മ്മ്മ്മ്മം... ന്നു മൂളി നടക്കുന്ന വണ്ടിനെ ഏതു പൂവാ അടുക്കാന്‍ സമ്മതിക്കാ?

വരണ്ടിരിക്കുന്ന തീരതിന്ടെ അടുക്കല്‍ വരുന്ന കടലിനെ പോലെ..

മിണ്ടാതെ മിണ്ടുന്ന കണ്ണുകളെ പോലെ..

ഈ വണ്ടിനും പ്രണയത്തിന്ടെ നിറം കാണാന്‍ യോഗം കാണുമായിരിക്കും...

ഇളം ചുവന്ന മിടിക്കുന്ന ഹൃദയതിന്ടെ നിറം.

ശ്രുതി നേരെയാക്കാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ചു കൊണ്ട് വീണ്ടും വീണ്ടും പെയ്യുന്ന മഴയെ പോലെ... 

നാഥനെ തിരഞ്ഞലഞ്ഞു പറക്കുന്ന കാറ്റിനെ പോലെ...

എന്നും തന്റെ പ്രിയതമയെ കാണുവാന്‍ ഉദിച്ചു ഉണരുന്ന സുര്യനെ പോലെ..

കാണുമ്പോള്‍ ഉള്ള കുങ്കുമ കവിളിലെ നാണവും..

വിരല്‍ തൊടുമ്പോള്‍ വിറയ്ക്കുന്ന മൃദുവായി കരയുന്ന നവ വധുവും..

ഈ ച്ചുവപ്പിന്ടെ വര്‍ണ്ണ ആരോഹണ- അവരോഹണങ്ങള്‍ ആണ്.

അതില്‍ എവടെ ഒക്കെയോ... പ്രണയത്തിന്ടെ ഇളം ചുവപ്പോളിഞ്ഞു കിടക്കുന്നു. ആ ച്ചുവപ്പിന്ടെ ലാന്ചനയില്‍ ഒരു നിമിഷമെങ്കിലും അലിഞ്ഞലിഞ്ഞു ഇല്ലാതാവാന്‍.....................

ഒരു മായാ മയുരം പോലെ.. അകലെ അകലെ.. നൃത്തലോലമായി ആടുന്ന മരുപ്പച്ച മാത്രം. തേടി നടന്നു അലഞ്ഞലഞ്ഞില്ലാതെ ആവും..

ഒരിക്കലും കാണാത്ത ചുവപ്പ് നിറം തേടിയുള്ള അലച്ചില്‍......

ചിലര്‍ക്ക് അതിനെ യോഗം കാണു. ചിലര്‍ക്ക് മാത്രം. :)

Sometimes, a moment of truth makes life much more easier.

Once you realize your parents mean only good for you, once you realize how much ever you fight with your sibling, you ll love her, once you realize who your real friends are, once you realize God has a plan for you..

That is when you know you should relax more :)

Things I learned about men and mallus from my search...

1. 
   .it all wrong. The stone does not have the high probability to hit a mallu when you throw a stone there like they say.You pick a bloody stone to throw at someone, it will brush on some mallu on the way up from the ground. Mallus actually outnumber the "Gulf" native population there. 
2. Men are shallow. Looks matter. And they cant do nothing about it.
3. Most mallus are bad at English. Bad is a pathetic word to describe it. They suck at it.
4. Jobless people register in Matrimony sites more than the ones that are serious.
5. I learned that names could turn me off. The names parents put for men! Most mallus name their kids adding the 26 alphabets in front of -ini, -icy, -idy, -imy for girls and -ibin, -idin, -icin, -imin for guys. Sick.
6. I actually found a 'civil servant' who 'welds and xrays' in the 'gulf'. Good going!
7. I have a big evil grin on my face when I see some profiles. "I even know Tamil, as my dad is from Chennai." So what? Big deal. "I know Tamil even though my dad is NOT from Chennai. :P I have speculated whether I should give him hard lawyering. I do that. Just to make people go crazy at my arguments. "So what?" would definitely have been a good start. ;)
8. Another fellow had a partner preference where he didnt have a problem with the girl being taller or older. He was 6ft himself. :P
9. Men are scared of pushing the 'decline' button. Most of them just keep things hanging cos they never know how to say no. But I declined like 7 people in my second login.
10. People think "godfearing" is a damn selling point. God fearing? Really? Why do you fear it if it is good? If it is bad, why are you beneath it? I think they need to understand that God can only be loved and not feared.
    

So, all this search stuff started in January, when I decided its high time I got a guy for myself. Yeah, it was a sudden decision like most of my life decisions. So, I decide to register on m4marry, which was the first choice given that am a Mallu. Well, we mallus think that if manorama does not have it, there is nobody in the world. So, I register and start searching. If one guy was tall, he would be less educated. If someone was educated, he would be short or had a bad English. Yeah, bad English turns me off like hell. So does stupid names. Ini, Mini, Kini. bla bla.

So, I sent a request to some profiles I thought was ok. And the day after, I got my first rejection. From a guy who was ok with everything until he saw my pic. Yeah, shallow fish in the deep pond. Me being one too. Then I thought, if he cared so much about looks, it is better I dont marry him anyway. But yeah, it kinda hurt my ego a bit. Amma was informed and asked permission from after I became active in the profile. Well, after all, my parents should help. Mom asked me to go ahead and search. She kinda knew my demands kinda would make her search futile. And yeah, there was a question of "What? You have not found someone already?" which kinda made me feel like an idiot, god knows why.

Then I realize that m4marry has bad bad bad site ergonomics. You go crazy if you log in. So, I go register in keralamatrimony too. The site was more user friendly but had no messaging capabilities. Now, if you wanna browse peacefully, this is the place for you. But if you want more mallus around, m4marry is the place. So, I collaborated the messaging of m4marry and ergonomics of keralamatrimony. Would redirect people to either sites to get stuff done.

Long time later wala update:

Ah the pleasure of browsing and crapping on people! You should enjoy that even if you don't enjoy searching. Good luck people!

Cheerz!

DN

I wish I had a love story too...

Mashed Potatoes

The other day I realized that sometimes the smallest replies can leave you overwhelmed for long.
I was talking to this friend of mine and suddenly, out of the blue, for a stupid question of mine, he said a single letter and it felt like I was called an angel again. No I am not an angel. If anything, I am that li'l devil who is interning under Lucifer himself. But, for a moment, that single letter gave me wings. [OK, Redbull does that too.] And I could not speak for a long time.
It reminded me, li'l things do make more impact than all those blah blah that happens in life.

Three more months and I have to lose my student status for some time. Yeah I plan to study more. Not cos am really good at it, but cos I just want to. It goes hand in hand with what I wanna do later in life. I wonder how these 3 months are gonna go. Would it be fun? Or normal? Hope its gonna be fun... Censored for better PR.


Yesterday night was a terrible one. I usually sit up late and do crap. But then, I have my right to do crap at late night. Yesterday, one guy who has been behind me for like a long long time, [No I dont usually get this attention part of life. But when I do, it is like I have to hide till the guy leaves a 100m vicinity] so, this guy, he comes online and catches me with a 'hi'. And by the end of the conversation, he was making me pull out hair by acting like a cry baby cos I was saying no. And acting like a dumbo by not understanding I dont wanna talk to him. I do not know how many times I said good night and ONO [which for him specifically means 'get lost!' ] but he still would not get a clue.
It reached a point when the cry baby actually said it was the last chat we ever had cos I was not accepting him. But then, 5 minutes of silence -where I thought I am finally bestowed with peace- later, "So you would not mind me not talking to you forever?"

 I tried being civil to him. Really did. But then finally I just signed OUT! And hid myself as invisible. He is a -distant- family friend so cant really be uncivil. Families meet off and on. And yeah in the mean time he had threatened me with this bullshit about wanting to give a reply to his family. Blah! Really? That is your effing headache! I got nothing to do with it.

Anyway, today has been a comparatively easier day. He didnt buzz me and I didnt have to be offline/invi just to ward him off.

All my friends are getting married and engaged and committed left right center. Some (Most) of em have kids or are carrying! And I still have not found a good enough guy. The 75% rule deletes 3/4th of the male population from India and my list. And the rest 25%, decides to be either dumb or not ambitious or ill mannered when they meet and talk to me. Wonder where that unfortunate fella is who would have to bear me for yeeeeeears :) I hope I dont do a 27 dresses thingy in life. Could be some kind of a record if I broke that one. :P

PS- Note to the Fella out there: Beware! You are gonna get beaten up badly when we finally meet cos you were making me wait so long. ;)