Some Marriage Thoughts

You know, these marriages, they are hell. Like Bloody hell. No no.. Not mine. Dont worry. No man is enough idiotic to try that one 'adventure' yet. I am talking about people. BTW, people means anyone other than me.

Yeah, why is the question. Because, marriages are places for elders and even for younger fellas to advise. Advise is an understatement. Strip people to death is the right phrase. Those jobless aunties and Grandmoms, those orthodox uncles and hearing impaired granddads...

I was stripped for all the faults I was born with -and acquired faults too- in the most recent one.

I had no mind to attend it. But since it was my cousin's I had no choice.

The critics start working even before the marriage takes place.

"Oye thangu, what are you wearing for the engagement?"

"Black. Patiala"

"No di. Wear Saree"

"Can't"

"Why? Cos you wont look good?"

"No. [You $&$*(^! #$#@ you. I always look good. And saree is when I look the sexiest.] Cos I just dont feel like it."

"But you are next. Of course, you and her."

Aunt chipped in pointing at her own daughter and me. My cousin was older than me by some 6 months. So my defense was feeble. But I dont give up.

"Let her wear it aunty. I am only after her."

I cursed no one in particular for the phrase "You are next" in my mind.

"But what is the difference? You are just 6 months younger."

"No aunty. You want me to jump lines?"

That silenced her.

"No no.. That is not what I meant... Of course you cant jump lines."

"Then I will wear it for her marriage."

Even though my cousin and her mom tried persuading me to wear it for the engagement AND the marriage at every single chance they got, I would not hear a word of it.

I go there wearing a black patiala. For the engagement.

No, the advice thingy just started.

As soon as I get in, I see countless aunts and uncles ready to pounce and find faults.

"You know, you should wear the hair down and open. Dont tie it up so."

There. Started.

"No. Actually.. ."

"Aha. New necklace?"

I was saved by go[l]d from answering the question about my hair.

Will she come over and save me from the mess wind can make of my hair? And anyways, it is trouble. The more the people, the more hot the auditorium would be. If I wear the hair down, I would die of heat before these people kill me with suggestions. I thought.

"No. The old one. I just started wearing it."

"Hai Hai! She has started wearing gold. She wants to get married!" All excited aunts. From God-knows-which-generations.

No you idiots! This is the only time of my life I ever got to wear it. With a strict school and pathetically orthodox college, I just had my 1947 August 15.

I smiled so that they would not know what was going on inside my mind.

"You know, Sarala's brother's brother in law's marriage function..."

I move away from them knowing their loooong attention span left from me as soon as I typed the full stop in that sentence.

I move away and get near men. Ok. Men dont worry about what I wear. Thank God!

"Hey thangu, you look lanky. Are nt you eating anything?"

Oh. One of those nosy uncles from god-knows-where. To hell with my assumptions. As if every single uncle aunt out there were worried more than me about my health.

"Actually uncle, I dont want to run like you people later in my life trying to reduce my weight."

"..."

I moved on.

"Why are not you wearing a saree? She is wearing one!"

"Cos it makes me look older than I am" [ Go be satisfied. I know you say it for thaaat satisfaction. If I dont say it, you anyways will.]

"Ya ya.. But you know, it is the age."

"Yeah uncle. But anyways if I wear it, you all will say it is for 'plump' people. Why do I have to take in more of those?"

"Ahem.. Ahem.." [He chose not to hear my sarcasm.]

"Here, I will tell your dad." And he calls dad. Dammit. They surely should be desperate to see me in a saree to recommend it to my dad.

And they talk a bit. Owing to the 'long' span of attention, they divert to lots of topics ranging from climate to the marriage to money to...

And I scoot.

And then, grandmom comes in search of me.

"Your grand uncle is searching for you dear. Go meet him. He is standing outside."

I walk outside thinking I could get some fresh air and 'adviseless' environment.

"Aha! There you are. Know why I called you?"

"Nope uncle. Why?"

"Your teeth have to be clipped."

"What??" I am seriously thunderstruck. At his blunt reply and at the rudeness.

"Yeah, they protrude so, the only thing people ever notice is your teeth."

Yeah, cynics like you never even notice the face.

I choose not to say anything. And then he prods again.

"See, nobody will even look at you, forget marry, with that teeth."

Suddenly I am no longer in a good mood.

"Oh uncle, it is ok. People are already in queue. They never seem to notice my teeth. I think I can manage lots of looks with this teeth."

He looks at me like I just blasphemed. Man you asked for it. I didnt want to piss him off. So I bit my tongue and say " No uncle, I have an appointment with doctor soon. I am seeing to it." So much for respect for age. [Roll eyes!]

In marriages, you get as many advices, as there are people in the hall. Everybody minds everybody's business. And as the saying goes if you are next, you do have time for nothing other than the "you-improvement-committee". Man, I see people. Human elephants to ugly ducklings. I dont go offering advice.

Marriage was better actually. People were lesser and most knew me well to offer any advice. But the engagement was so bad [ad-wisely] that I was too wary about the marriage.

PS- It really frightens me to think "You are next". I need to complete my MBA and/or get a job and be 'settled' [or as my friend prefers, 'get a base'] before it. And the only protection I have is an NIT-ian with a job, who has already made it clear to her parents that she wants to get married as soon as a guy who fullfil her conditions comes.

PPS- Though her conditions are a bit far fetched that I would be amused if she got a guy before her bond period. :D

PPPS- I wore funky jeans [complete with 'yo' accessories] for the marriage and those 'saree-advocates' opened their mouths wide; [in horror or amazement, I will never get to know] and stared blanky. :P