Durga's Random Thoughts.

Man, I wonder if recession is gonna occur like the old American recession in 1980s.. If it happens.. God knows we are doomed. It is dry on job front. :( Seriously dry. Internationally that is.. India is not yet hit. That much. But it will affect us too.. I donno why it came down when most of the youth like me are just into the job front.. Seriously downtrodden.. I am upset. In the sense.. Well, even anyone who is placed, are out of call letters.. Cos the companies are not recruiting anymore. Compromise would be the manthra I guess.. On the field, salary, firm, location and everything else. But sometimes, it goes right over the 'adamant youth's' head. And I see many people accepting defeat. Not the right thing, of course. But most youth are too damn ambitious that they accept nothing less. Well, I was one, for one. Now, I just don't think things come over just like that.. May be, I should just get a bit practical. I just thought a lot of stuff was 'in store' fo...

My new year resolution.. Well, this year I resolved not to resolve anymore.. Not just on new year, but any time.. I always resolve.. And never moved a finger for the resolution. I resolved the most early in my life, in 10th to study well. And didnt do anything at all. And then, in 12th.. and again.. well, degree.. Always, the resolutions in my studies are always unfulfilled. I just keep saying I will. But I just wont. And I have never given my 100 percent to anything in life. Wasted 2 decades. :) Or may be, not wasted.. Well, gotten ready for something better. Someone said, " To make something, you just have to believe it's special. " May be I AM special. :) I have always been.. have'nt I? Well, no more resolutions. :) Just being me, would be great enough. :) Love me, love me not, I am just me. :) Yeah, New year, I think just being me, would be great enuf. :) Take me, as I come..

Love is now a fire in me. It is not yet tiring me. Wish this world was smaller and.. And that I had your hand in hand.

My nights are a torment now. My days, too long. My dreams are far too real now, My eyes, look lost. There far away, I see your eyes. And I keep hoping they see me. May be one day, they will find me. And that day, will be heaven for me.

Vertical life, in a horizontal plane. Confusing directions, confusing lines. Withhold me here, so that I learn, more than I hear. Shuttling of minds, trusting the binds, lives, live on.. Blinder than ever. Vertical plane, trying to dislodge, my horizontal life. Confusing me, and making me blind.

A martyr of love, A segment of grief, The piece of heart, broken and torn. With a life, dead, staring ahead, headless, heartless.. Broken and mucked up. Flow of tears, heedless of time. Flow of emotions, heedless of looks. Is it all I gain? Is it all I can do? Is that all, that can be done? Yet, I smile.. I have lost nothing. He, he has.. He lost a lot.

A wish I received on Christmas.. "Avery Marry Christmas!!" !! [ : D ] Guess it was an invitation. [ : P ] On the marriage of Avery and Christmas.. [ : D ] I remember someone telling me about a lady, whose name was "Merry Christmas"... And she ended up being a receptionist at a hotel. So, anytime someone called, she used to answer the phone, "Hello, Merry Christmas! How may I help you?". People must have thought the hotel employed 'Nuts'. [ : P ] Oh! May be, she might have finally gotten married. [ : D ] PS- How more careless can a person get? [ : ? ]

Durga gone fishing!! ( : P ) ( : P )

Christmas is a beautiful time... The windy days and cold nights. The chill of life, engulfing me.. I am waiting for the carols to sing[bring] happiness into my heart.. The crib that looks like the most unworthy, but is the center of the celebration.. balloons.. festoons.. the tree.. lights.. Gosh, it was just nothing short of beautiful. But these days, Christmas is nothing short of showing off.. The cold night is blocked by room heaters.. The windy day, met by closed windows.. Life is for "chilling out". Cribs are worthy. Cos we buy them. And do not have patience to 'make'. Carols are a way for neighbourhood kids to make money. They come, sing a line, and open their hands one inch under our nose asking us to pay for the 'entertainment' they gave. The tree is ready-made, complete with lights. Just plug it in. And tada Christmas time! Are we enjoying? Or making it yet another day of business and show off? [Oh forgot, it is a holiday! huh! :P ] Latest edit :- I ...

My heart pains when I speak.. For the distance that separates us. Separation of souls is just for while .. I ll come to you .. I needed to see ya smile Those were the days when your eyes used to spark.. When my heart beat for you and breaths longed.. For those words I wanted you to speak.. But it never came.. and then.. And then.. Those ugly hands of death parted me from you.. And my death was nearer than it ever could be. May be a ray of hope.. But I will never let it grow.. For the fear of losing it.. PS- The words in italics are not mine. And this poem happened in a chat with Deep a friend of mine.. :) and he is a poet as well.. :) And those are his words. :)

I was chatting with my bore [Ok. It is bro, alrit.] one day. A guy came over to chat with me on the other window. And my bro got irritated that he had to share me with the other guy, for quite sometime. My bro's reactions in the meantime. [Again, please forgive me, it is in Malayalam. Since, it is related to a folklore in Malayalam, translating it wont serve any purpose. So, I dont intend to.] So, here goes the reaction... ninte comradine upekshiku . . . avaane njan thallum . . . gollum . . . waitan para avondu . . . kadathanattu thacholi vadakkan veetil thekkeparambil Anton chekavoroda kali? . . . nee chirikanda!! [I was laughing my head off! :D] . . . [me- avande concn pandaradangi. [concn worked up, somehow, and he had gone offline.] ] . . . ah nanayollo! illenki ariyalo?? 'karali pambara' daivangale njan gonnene!! . . . [And he was back.] . . . salyay!! :( avante karyam pokka! avanodu paranjekku.. gollum! ineku 24 um 6um 38 chandaradivasangal kazhinju! february 29inu...

Things are beautiful only if they are incomplete. Once complete, it loses its beauty. Yesterday, it was said to be the brightest moon of the century. And I [hopefully] expected it to bring out the hidden emotions in me.. Making me da^n romantic and long for love. Cos moonlight has always been a part of romance. And romance, incomplete without a reference to moonlight. [At least for those imaginative birds like me. :) ] I eagerly waited for the night to come yesterday and as soon as the moon was up, I went out onto the terrace to admire the beauty of the most bright moon of the century. But the scene was not at all romantic. :( At least, not with thaaat bright moon. It certainly looked like a cool evening when sun is visible but not in its fury. And here, moon was shining with all its glory. But something, was missing. May be, I always enjoyed the imperfection of moon.. And to say the truth, I found my romantic self stirring, only when I moved a bit nearer to the trees and looked at it ...

a frns request i received at orkut. "be ma frnd so soon..pls na????" Wonder why he was sooo desperate to be my frnd. More like beggin. Man!! Be a man!! And dont please beg!! huh! Another two.. ninne enikku ishtalliaa......... ennodu koottu koodandaaaaaaaaaaaa........... i liked his humor sense. but since he does not "like" me, i thought not to humor him. :P i love you.. oh! really? so, was that ur love that had gone to suicide, when it saw this request?! :-o

Dont be needy of anyone or anything. That may hurt you bad... And that may distract you from what you are. :) So, never be needy of anything in life... And I think you hava a common 'space' where anyone can barge into. Just delete that space. It would help you, I'm sure. Always draw a line. And dont let anybody enter beyond that. The thing is, if you dont do it, it would hurt your freedom, and free-will... - courtesy my Guru... :)

I wonder why life is this boring. As I have once suggested to myself, I might even suicide, if that would give me some excitement. Or Life, please kill yourself, and provide me with some entertainment.

The womb that carried me then, the wall that structured my cell, I revere thee, I revere thy sacrifice. I regard thy suffering, Divine. Thou shared thy blood, and layered me with thy food. Nine months, I drank thee in. Then, out I came, tearing the walls, that protected me. And drank again, thy milky chest. I still am a parasite. I still drink in thy life. But thy love, Divine, Aye! is still no lesser than then.

The vermilion, that reddened my hair. A promise, you gave me for life. The redness of my pallu and my tress. A hope for tomorrow, a hope for life. You came in. Smiled. And kissed my face. Smoked a cigarette, and left me there. Wondering what was going on, I waited, for you to come again. And then came in, two giants of wealth. Together they did, the unwell in bed. My screams went unheard. My tears unseen. My prince charming, didn't come to save me. And then, after the thunder and lightening, my pallu was down, my tress, disturbed. The vermilion matched, the red of my legs. And my promised life, was crystal clear.

Those skinny legs, veined body, sticky palms and burnt face. Leaner looks, cracked voice, nasty eyes and bulgy nose, Sweaty arms, knobbly knees, an ugly sight, not a lady love. But yet, I live with her. She.. [sigh!] She is my wife.

The darkness that flows on my coconut leaves, The silence that prospers in christmas eves, I can hear a distant bell.. Ding Dong Ding Dong! merry, even the hell. I wait. I wait. For the child to be born. Or rather, make sure, his parents do come. My small cowshed, waits in stead, Prying the sky for the prophecy well-known. I made sure the lights of christmas did shine. I made sure the shepherds and their herds did graze. I even made sure there were healthy straws around. And kept waiting, for the baby to be born. Christmas came. Christmas went. But no baby took birth in my shed. Wondering why, I searched all around. But later found, It was my heart all around.

I have no sorrows to forget. I have no failures to brood on. I have no paths I regret. And no deeds to hide. I remember everyone of my sorrows. And I live in my failures. If I regret my paths, I regret my life And to hide my deeds, I have to hide My Self. So, I wont forget my sorrows. I cant brood on my failures. I wont regret my path. And I am not hiding my deeds, For I cant hide myself. For I cant live, unless I am just My Self.

I get to see a lot of newspapers daily. But nevertheless this small supplement of indian express demanded my notice. As a part of revamping the style of ie , there came this new avathar of Saturday magazine - " zeitgeist ". The whole thing looks like a gimmick in first look. The authors' beautiful [or handsome which ever applies more. ;) ] faces are disfigured by some "special effects". They look more like amateur drawings, without finish. I wonder why they don't protest... Most look 'autistic' in their "new look". [Though their knowledge is commendable in their fields.] I like the style of those writers.. But it would have been better, had they looked more like humans. As I turn the first page, I find games, and they don't interest me much. May be I am matured finally. [smug smug! :D] I first looked at the page " sexualities " and wondered what the reason behind the page is. All about "queer" relationships. Gays...

The bread crumbs that satisfied my hunger, the coffee that quenched my thirst, all sit on the table, staring at me. That pathetic figure of mine. Lean and starved. Anorexic and diseased. I lay on the bed, staring back at them. Let's die together, I say. And I get up to eat and drink. I eat and drink with a sad face. The crumbs and coffee. Then, then I vomit. Leading us to death. "Yes, let's 'anorexically' die together" I say.

Lying on my table, I see that beautiful thing. Curvy little body and lovely little attatchment. I owe this thing a lot. More than three years of life. Of friendship and pride. My mobile, yes! I owe that lot. That little pink hut, heavier and larger than it, I have always wanted to be there. with my hubby and make love. That little screen that buzzed, lighted up and vibrated on calls, always meant I was never alone. Alone, in the crowd. You woke me up. You sang to me. You winked at me. And found time for me. Yet, today, when you lie shattered, in four pieces, - the hut, the front, the back and the body, I find my filled eyes searching. For at least a hint of life. When I find that nothing is left, I feel like dying. Remembering those days, When you shut yourself, as I lay in the hospital bed. With broken and dislocated bones. A disfigured face.. Oh my sweet mobile! My friend, My soul, I wish you were immortal. I wish life went on and on for you. I wish I could shut myself up. And go on ...

Who am I to write about love, when I just broke a heart? How would I know about love, when I just tore him apart? Why won't these tears stop? Why would they not seem to end? Why do those eyes haunt me? Emptiness and this sudden silence? Pardon me dear, pardon me. For making you mad. And leaving you sad. I wish I never did that. Let me go. And find some peace. Please do go. Find your release. Let me die, my death in peace. Let me find the ultimate release. Leave me alone. And be forlorn. For my heart is heavy now. With the guilt of ripping a heart. The pain of being apart. Yes. Leave me alone... Just leave me alone.

I am missing you. I hope, you had too.. More than this. More than that. It is more than I can ever have. This painful death, Or the 'Oh! so near', is breaking me, and all I have. Miss me now. And kiss me now. For your love is all I ever had. I am missing you. I hope, you will [more than] miss me too..