Dec 31, 2008

My Recession Thoughts.. :(

Man, I wonder if recession is gonna occur like the old American recession in 1980s.. If it happens.. God knows we are doomed. It is dry on job front. :( Seriously dry. Internationally that is.. India is not yet hit. That much. But it will affect us too.. I donno why it came down when most of the youth like me are just into the job front.. Seriously downtrodden.. I am upset. In the sense.. Well, even anyone who is placed, are out of call letters.. Cos the companies are not recruiting anymore.

Compromise would be the manthra I guess.. On the field, salary, firm, location and everything else. But sometimes, it goes right over the 'adamant youth's' head. And I see many people accepting defeat. Not the right thing, of course. But most youth are too damn ambitious that they accept nothing less. Well, I was one, for one. Now, I just don't think things come over just like that.. May be, I should just get a bit practical. I just thought a lot of stuff was 'in store' for me.

For me, its fine.. I am still right under the roof of my dad and mom.. But, I see people.. who had started a life for themselves. And then, suddenly, they know they don't have a job anymore. With..wife. And may be, even kids..

Govt job, is secure. Not at all a bad idea to be in that sector now. I mean public sector banks, and everything that is public sector. You don't have to be on tenterhooks on being fired any moment.. Two more years.. And it would have hit India. And jobs would be down. And so, a degree taken in the meantime, would not have much +ves to be noticed.. See, now, it has hit small places. And it would grow.. And hit the whole scene.. Many "small places" don't have placements anymore. Students don't even have projects. But what I was saying is.. It hit this kinda small places now.. It would grow for certain. And by the time, they are out, man, they would still be jobless. But yeah, depends on what job you would accept.

I am now on a mindset to accept anything. But most youth have been living extravagantly, that they cant adjust now. Wonder why people make so big a fuss about their pay. People like me wont get it.. I can live without much fuss.. I use money if I have it.. Otherwise, I just don't give a damn.. But there are people who got used to this.. Lot of money that is.. and single life.. and freedom. And sometimes, people expect things from them.. You cant blame them.. But some just cant accept it.. That they have to change their lifestyle. Well, most accept defeat. And recluse.

Someone said,"I think that if you enjoy what you do and if you have enough aptitude, money will come to you. Chase money and you will never have enough."

Take the job that comes handy right now. You sure can resign on a better job. Chuck it when you are in a position to. I hope it doesn't just make it like the old recession stuff in the 80's.. If it does.. I still have no idea.. :( I am freaked at the thought.

Something Personal. :)

My new year resolution.. Well, this year I resolved not to resolve anymore.. Not just on new year, but any time..
I always resolve.. And never moved a finger for the resolution. I resolved the most early in my life, in 10th to study well. And didnt do anything at all. And then, in 12th.. and again.. well, degree.. Always, the resolutions in my studies are always unfulfilled. I just keep saying I will. But I just wont. And I have never given my 100 percent to anything in life. Wasted 2 decades. :)
Or may be, not wasted.. Well, gotten ready for something better.
Someone said,
"To make something, you just have to believe it's special."

May be I AM special. :) I have always been.. have'nt I?

Well, no more resolutions. :)
Just being me, would be great enough. :) Love me, love me not, I am just me. :)
Yeah, New year, I think just being me, would be great enuf. :) Take me, as I come..

Dec 29, 2008

Another teeny weeny love note...

Love is now a fire in me.
It is not yet tiring me.
Wish this world was smaller and..
And that I had your hand in hand.

My Heaven.

My nights are a torment now.
My days, too long.
My dreams are far too real now,
My eyes, look lost.
There far away, I see your eyes.
And I keep hoping they see me.

May be one day,
they will find me.
And that day,
will be heaven for me.

Dec 26, 2008

Blind lives..

Vertical life,
in a horizontal plane.
Confusing directions,
confusing lines.
Withhold me here,
so that I learn,
more than I hear.
Shuttling of minds,
trusting the binds,
lives, live on..
Blinder than ever.
Vertical plane,
trying to dislodge,
my horizontal life.
Confusing me,
and making me blind.


A martyr of love,
A segment of grief,
The piece of heart,
broken and torn.

With a life, dead,
staring ahead,
headless, heartless..
Broken and mucked up.

Flow of tears,
heedless of time.
Flow of emotions,
heedless of looks.

Is it all I gain?
Is it all I can do?
Is that all,
that can be done?

Yet, I smile..
I have lost nothing.
he has..
He lost a lot.

Dec 25, 2008

A Christmas Wish..

A wish I received on Christmas.. "Avery Marry Christmas!!" !! [:D]

Guess it was an invitation. [:P] On the marriage of Avery and Christmas.. [:D]

I remember someone telling me about a lady, whose name was "Merry Christmas"... And she ended up being a receptionist at a hotel. So, anytime someone called, she used to answer the phone, "Hello, Merry Christmas! How may I help you?". People must have thought the hotel employed 'Nuts'. [:P]

Oh! May be, she might have finally gotten married. [:D]

PS- How more careless can a person get? [:?]

Dec 24, 2008

Durga gone fishing!! (:P)(:P)

Christmas Thoughts..

Christmas is a beautiful time... The windy days and cold nights. The chill of life, engulfing me.. I am waiting for the carols to sing[bring] happiness into my heart.. The crib that looks like the most unworthy, but is the center of the celebration.. balloons.. festoons.. the tree.. lights.. Gosh, it was just nothing short of beautiful.
But these days, Christmas is nothing short of showing off.. The cold night is blocked by room heaters.. The windy day, met by closed windows.. Life is for "chilling out". Cribs are worthy. Cos we buy them. And do not have patience to 'make'. Carols are a way for neighbourhood kids to make money. They come, sing a line, and open their hands one inch under our nose asking us to pay for the 'entertainment' they gave. The tree is ready-made, complete with lights. Just plug it in. And tada Christmas time!
Are we enjoying? Or making it yet another day of business and show off? [Oh forgot, it is a holiday! huh! :P ]

Latest edit :- I miss my granpa.. Maternal though he was, he was the only granpa I ever had.. And he used to call Christmas, "Ghirmas"[just for the heck of it.. :D].. There was always a crib waiting for his grandchildren, at the tharavadu [ancestral home] .. decorated.. a tree.. which he personally decorated with all what he could get .. cards.. baubles..
He is no more.. But his memories.. still haunt me sometimes.. I never told him I love him.. But I do.. :) Must be knowing it now.. :) ... Love you and miss you granpa! :) - Thangu..

Dec 18, 2008

The Pain of Two Hearts.

My heart pains when I speak..
For the distance that separates us.
Separation of souls is just for while ..
I ll come to you .. I needed to see ya smile
Those were the days when your eyes used to spark..
When my heart beat for you and breaths longed..
For those words I wanted you to speak..
But it never came.. and then..

And then..
Those ugly hands of death parted me from you..
And my death was nearer than it ever could be.
May be a ray of hope..
But I will never let it grow..
For the fear of losing it..

PS- The words in italics are not mine. And this poem happened in a chat with Deep a friend of mine.. :) and he is a poet as well.. :) And those are his words. :)

Dec 14, 2008

Tacholi Anton chekavarodulla chat...

I was chatting with my bore [Ok. It is bro, alrit.] one day. A guy came over to chat with me on the other window. And my bro got irritated that he had to share me with the other guy, for quite sometime. My bro's reactions in the meantime. [Again, please forgive me, it is in Malayalam. Since, it is related to a folklore in Malayalam, translating it wont serve any purpose. So, I dont intend to.]

So, here goes the reaction...

ninte comradine upekshiku
avaane njan thallum
waitan para avondu
kadathanattu thacholi vadakkan veetil thekkeparambil Anton chekavoroda kali?
nee chirikanda!! [I was laughing my head off! :D]
[me- avande concn pandaradangi. [concn worked up, somehow, and he had gone offline.] ]
ah nanayollo! illenki ariyalo?? 'karali pambara' daivangale njan gonnene!!
[And he was back.]
salyay!! :( avante karyam pokka! avanodu paranjekku.. gollum! ineku 24 um 6um 38 chandaradivasangal kazhinju! february 29inu avanumayittu ankam.
what say?
me: feb 30 pore?him: pattilllla!! :D
me: please? nalla divasama!
him: no.
veetti poyitu venam 4 chali parayan.. :D I' m practicing chalis... :D

ente comrade korach kazhinjappol sthalam kaliyakki.. athode njangal pinnem chaliyum, karyavum, serious chaliyum, veruthe ulla karyavum okkeyayi.. chat thudarnnu poi.. baakkiyilekk thatkalam ningalkk, "No Admission" :P
I just hope this got a smile onto your face with this.. :) cys. - Joe.

Dec 13, 2008

A Century's Lesson...

Things are beautiful only if they are incomplete. Once complete, it loses its beauty. Yesterday, it was said to be the brightest moon of the century. And I [hopefully] expected it to bring out the hidden emotions in me.. Making me da^n romantic and long for love. Cos moonlight has always been a part of romance. And romance, incomplete without a reference to moonlight. [At least for those imaginative birds like me. :) ]

I eagerly waited for the night to come yesterday and as soon as the moon was up, I went out onto the terrace to admire the beauty of the most bright moon of the century. But the scene was not at all romantic. :( At least, not with thaaat bright moon. It certainly looked like a cool evening when sun is visible but not in its fury. And here, moon was shining with all its glory. But something, was missing. May be, I always enjoyed the imperfection of moon.. And to say the truth, I found my romantic self stirring, only when I moved a bit nearer to the trees and looked at it again from the shadows of those trees. :)

I either would start penning, or would find myself, daydreaming, in 'mind-blowingly' romantic moments. And I didn't find any longing for it, when I moved back to the clear area. But surely felt like clicking a pic of the so very bright moon hiding behind the [dark]green.. :)

Hark! Little did I think before, that moon is beautiful cos it is imperfect. Cos it changes daily. Cos of those cute black spots on it. That, perfection is a turn off in itself. I wonder why it never got my notice before.. May be cos, I never saw anything change from imperfect to suddenly "very near perfect". I wish.. Moon would always be imperfect. So that, moonlight is enticing forever.

Dec 12, 2008

a frns request i received at orkut.

"be ma frnd so soon..pls na????"

Wonder why he was sooo desperate to be my frnd. More like beggin. Man!! Be a man!! And dont please beg!! huh!

Another two..

ninne enikku ishtalliaa......... ennodu koottu koodandaaaaaaaaaaaa...........

i liked his humor sense. but since he does not "like" me, i thought not to humor him. :P

i love you..

oh! really? so, was that ur love that had gone to suicide, when it saw this request?! :-o
Dont be needy of anyone or anything. That may hurt you bad... And that may distract you from what you are. :) So, never be needy of anything in life...
And I think you hava a common 'space' where anyone can barge into. Just delete that space. It would help you, I'm sure. Always draw a line. And dont let anybody enter beyond that. The thing is, if you dont do it, it would hurt your freedom, and free-will...

- courtesy my Guru... :)
I wonder why life is this boring. As I have once suggested to myself, I might even suicide, if that would give me some excitement.
Or Life, please kill yourself, and provide me with some entertainment.

Dec 11, 2008

For the Divine.

The womb that carried me then,
the wall that structured my cell,
I revere thee,
I revere thy sacrifice.
I regard thy suffering, Divine.

Thou shared thy blood,
and layered me with thy food.
Nine months, I drank thee in.
Then, out I came,
tearing the walls,
that protected me.
And drank again,
thy milky chest.

I still am a parasite.
I still drink in thy life.
But thy love, Divine,
Aye! is still no lesser than then.

A Promise For Life.

The vermilion,
that reddened my hair.
A promise,
you gave me for life.

The redness of my pallu
and my tress.
A hope for tomorrow,
a hope for life.

You came in. Smiled.
And kissed my face.
Smoked a cigarette,
and left me there.

what was going on,
I waited,
for you to come again.

And then came in,
two giants of wealth.
Together they did,
the unwell in bed.

My screams went unheard.
My tears unseen.
My prince charming,
didn't come to save me.

And then,
after the thunder and lightening,
my pallu was down,
my tress, disturbed.

The vermilion matched,
the red of my legs.
And my promised life,
was crystal clear.


Those skinny legs,
veined body,
sticky palms
and burnt face.
Leaner looks,
cracked voice,
nasty eyes
and bulgy nose,
Sweaty arms,
knobbly knees,
an ugly sight,
not a lady love.
But yet, I live with her.
She.. [sigh!]
She is my wife.

For the Christmas Baby..

The darkness that flows
on my coconut leaves,
The silence that prospers
in christmas eves,
I can hear a distant bell..
Ding Dong Ding Dong!
merry, even the hell.

I wait. I wait.
For the child to be born.
Or rather, make sure,
his parents do come.
My small cowshed,
waits in stead,
Prying the sky for
the prophecy well-known.

I made sure the lights of
christmas did shine.
I made sure the shepherds
and their herds did graze.
I even made sure there were
healthy straws around.
And kept waiting,
for the baby to be born.

Christmas came. Christmas went.
But no baby took birth in my shed.
Wondering why,
I searched all around.
But later found,
It was my heart all around.

Dec 10, 2008

My Self.

I have no sorrows to forget.
I have no failures to brood on.
I have no paths I regret.
And no deeds to hide.

I remember everyone of my sorrows.
And I live in my failures.
If I regret my paths,
I regret my life
And to hide my deeds,
I have to hide My Self.

So, I wont forget my sorrows.
I cant brood on my failures.
I wont regret my path.
And I am not hiding my deeds,
For I cant hide myself.
For I cant live,
unless I am just My Self.

Dec 6, 2008


I get to see a lot of newspapers daily. But nevertheless this small supplement of indian express demanded my notice. As a part of revamping the style of ie, there came this new avathar of Saturday magazine - "zeitgeist".

The whole thing looks like a gimmick in first look. The authors' beautiful [or handsome which ever applies more. ;) ] faces are disfigured by some "special effects". They look more like amateur drawings, without finish. I wonder why they don't protest... Most look 'autistic' in their "new look". [Though their knowledge is commendable in their fields.]
I like the style of those writers.. But it would have been better, had they looked more like humans.

As I turn the first page, I find games, and they don't interest me much. May be I am matured finally. [smug smug! :D]

I first looked at the page "sexualities" and wondered what the reason behind the page is. All about "queer" relationships. Gays and lesbians to be exact. And transsexuals, not to be forgotten. and other 'queer happenings' around the world. I have nothing against transsexuals. They have their right to live well-respected. But, other than that, I strongly feel it would encourage the relationships 'against nature' to flourish in India. May be, cos I am straight, I feel it quite upsetting. A lot of stuff I never knew about sex, I know now, thanks to the indian express. [roll eyes!]
But I appreciate Ms. Padma Govindan. For giving out great relationship advice. Somehow, she thinks straight.

As I turn the page again, I see "ideas". Always catching my eyes. :) The ad-ed is one of my favorites.. He knows his work well. [Of course, ie thinks he is good enough, he should be. :) So, my comment does not count much here. But I cant help mentioning. :)]

As I look at the last page, I find muZic. But not in my sense of muZic. More like a window to world muZic. I would have preferred it if Indian muZic had been given preference, given the name of the main newspaper, indian express. Has it not been ignored completely along those lines?

Yes. I know gossips make a lot of market these days, even though those sordid affairs mean nothing to us. But cant it be better when published in a nation-wide-read paper?
Wondering what I feel when I finally fold the paper and rethink, I close my eyes. Balancing the feelings I find.

- the general intellectual, moral, and cultural climate of an era. Has it changed too much for me to swallow as a whole without suffocating? Or has it always been this way? And I never knew?

Please give me your comments. And I wish to know if it's just me.

The Anorexic

The bread crumbs that satisfied my hunger,
the coffee that quenched my thirst,
all sit on the table, staring at me.
That pathetic figure of mine.

Lean and starved.
Anorexic and diseased.
I lay on the bed,
staring back at them.

Let's die together, I say.
And I get up to eat and drink.
I eat and drink with a sad face.
The crumbs and coffee.

then I vomit.
Leading us to death.
"Yes, let's 'anorexically' die together" I say.

Ode to My Mobile.

Lying on my table,
I see that beautiful thing.
Curvy little body
and lovely little attatchment.

I owe this thing a lot.
More than three years of life.
Of friendship and pride.
My mobile, yes! I owe that lot.

That little pink hut,
heavier and larger than it,
I have always wanted to be there.
with my hubby and make love.

That little screen that buzzed,
lighted up and vibrated on calls,
always meant I was never alone.
Alone, in the crowd.

You woke me up.
You sang to me.
You winked at me.
And found time for me.

Yet, today,
when you lie shattered,
in four pieces,
- the hut,
the front,
the back and the body,
I find my filled eyes searching.
For at least a hint of life.

When I find that nothing is left,
I feel like dying.
Remembering those days,
When you shut yourself,
as I lay in the hospital bed.
With broken and dislocated bones.
A disfigured face..

Oh my sweet mobile!
My friend, My soul,
I wish you were immortal.
I wish life went on and on for you.
I wish I could shut myself up.
And go on a strike.
Till you woke up.
Till you gained life.

I wish, I could die with you.

Dec 5, 2008

Hither, I Confess.

Who am I to write about love,
when I just broke a heart?
How would I know about love,
when I just tore him apart?

Why won't these tears stop?
Why would they not seem to end?
Why do those eyes haunt me?
Emptiness and this sudden silence?

Pardon me dear, pardon me.
For making you mad.
And leaving you sad.
I wish I never did that.

Let me go. And find some peace.
Please do go. Find your release.
Let me die, my death in peace.
Let me find the ultimate release.

Leave me alone.
And be forlorn.
For my heart is heavy now.
With the guilt of ripping a heart.
The pain of being apart.
Yes. Leave me alone...
Just leave me alone.

Dec 1, 2008

Miss Me. Do.

I am missing you.
I hope, you had too..

More than this.
More than that.
It is more than
I can ever have.
This painful death,
Or the 'Oh! so near',
is breaking me,
and all I have.
Miss me now.
And kiss me now.
For your love is
all I ever had.

I am missing you.
I hope,
you will [more than] miss me too..

Nov 29, 2008

just another chat.

disclaimer. - this is an actual dialogue between a random orkutter and me. i am nt political. nor do i have any interest in manmohan or adwani's politics. but i felt somethings [all? ;)] he said, needed a correction. all copy pasted from orkut. he had been monologuing for sometime before i started speaking.. didnt feel the need to copy paste that. and in view of the mumbai attacks, i donno how sad i am.
so yep, here goes the 'chat'.

him : I feels it z too late...Now political parties are make it as wepon for election.They not all caring innocent humens as well as dedicate soldiers.Now media and people are disussing the ways to eleminate terrorism..But tomorow abhayacase or yet another santhosh madhavan/sabarinath will divert their thinikng..As usual media and people enjoye those news forgotting what happened nw in mumbai

me : i beg to differ.
i dont link abhaya or santhosh madhavan to terrorism.
terrorism for ur kind info, is a global threat to a single nation's integrity. not something intra.
media is not enjoying it. it naturally sells more cos of the seriousness of te issue.
politically, adwani and other opposition leaders are not condemning, but rather trying to hold hands and stay united. i appreciate manmohan on that lead. cos, he is a gud diplomat in that case.

and ppl, i donno abt others, i certainly am not enjoyig the news.

him : no yaar...i will diifer and forcing my friens too...
but where the news abt serial blast happned in bangalore and noone is talking abt that...Media and whole nation forgot it..As usual it will happen in mubai incident too...People will come to normal go behind another hot news...

Who is dilpomat yaar...Manmohan...really a baffoon...He placed india's power in leg of Bush in case of nuclear deal....What bravery he have done?He signed the deal without discussion in parliament. It is right way from PM of democratic country...then what is significance of SOVEREIGN
In my view he is coward PM ever india had seen...

me : see, if u cud not forget the pain of passing away of someone, u will nvr live on... its nature's gift.
expect the mumbaikars to live on with the pain always??
and media, their dharma is not combating terrorism. but to bring out the daily happenings or sumthing that happened today, to the public. they carry on their work. they dont forget. but cant help something else more imp then, from being published.

hahaha!! see, the nuclear deal may have been a bit down trodden. but the PM's action secured a amiable relation with the America. which any nation wud crave for, given the status it had then.
now, the recession has come but then, it was a big deal, literally. and about discussing in the parliament. well, different political parties wud have reacted differently. and ultimately it wud have ended with walkouts and some internal disturbances. n no sensible decisions. btr something, than nuthing at all..
and if he had been a coward, he wud not have faced the country and its ppl like he did now. he is facing it. not running away or blaming someone else.
well, i hope i got my point across..

him : But in case of nuclear deal,my veiws are tottaly diff.We must have relation with all countries in the world...But what manamohan is doing clear breaking Non-allign policy what Nehru and able leaders followed

me :

times change. and our policies should change accordingly.
the world then, is not the world now.
then, it was all war. face to face. it was better not to hurt oneself by trying to take sides. the leaders then, decided the best. to stay away.
but now, its a power play. make a deal with the 'powerful' and you are powerful. stay away, you are vulnerable.
and with the nuclear deal, we only made a deal with america. we didnt break up with any other nation.
the policy we adopt has to be the one right at the moment.
saamam, bhedam, daanam, dhandam.

Nov 26, 2008

My Happy Lore..

After all those things
I had done for her,
my heart ached now,
when I saw her go.

That little child
all healthy and bright,
is a lady lass now,
her bosom so tight.

The days she cried
or the pranks she played,
made me proud
of being a father to her.

I saw her grow,
I saw her learn.
And I pride myself,
now that, I see her go.

The beauty in the veil,
hand in hand with her man,
Oh! I can't hold back them,
my happy tears.
And I have done,
what I can.

After all those things,
I had done for her,
my heart now aches,
When I see her go.

Yes! My child!
Off you go!
Make another man's world,
A happier lore.

PS- Dedicated to the best dad in the world, MINE!!! Love you dad! :)

Nov 24, 2008

Just Once More..

Once more you could have smiled at me.
Once more a tight hug.
Once more that little game
of smileys in line.

Once more a smile from your heart.
Once more a soothing one.
Once more a kind word
to take my tears away.

Nothing can change,
nothing will change.
But I will miss you,
and have always been true.

Nov 22, 2008

MY Love..

I see my love,
striding past.
Swaying hips
and a melting smile.

Hands clenched on
the silverware.
That I had dreamed of
a thousand times.

Eyes benign,
looks so kind,
made her face,
look so bright.

I closed my eyes
fighting through,
the series of images,
that had put me in cages.

Does she know?
Or does she not?
That she is mine?
Her soul just Mine !

Nov 21, 2008


My heart still yearns for you,
even when I am with him.
The smile that could create
a flutter in anyone's heart.
Life was not easy.
Had to marry someone,
I never loved, admired.
Right from day one,
he knew about you.
He said "I understand.
But now, we are together.
Hope u dont mind."

When, he kissed, I knew,
It never had the passion your kisses had.
Or, I never felt it, even if it had.
He asked me out. I said yes.
That was just it.
Nothing more, nothing less.
He was my business partner.
We married.We had to.
We were never together.
I never let him be.
Hope I had.

Still, he cared.
For all I had done to him.
My heart fluttered,
when he said a goodbye.
Thought I won't miss him.
But, I did.

I just called him up.
To say that I love him.
He is returning.
By the next flight.
I am waiting for my love,
Hoping he reached sooner.

His smile, why didn't I notice it before?!
How could it make my heart flutter?
"Shall I kiss you?"
I replied with a kiss.
He hugged me.
His kiss...
Why am I melting now?
Why is this passion new to me?

"Do u love me?"
He replied it with another kiss.
And I knew.
He loved me.

The other day at NITC.. :P

The other day, to be precise, on 16th November, I had gone to Calicut. More like a tour than a lovely little exam… I was so lavishly carefree that I wondered if there was any sense in this journey, than to waste some money. And so, the early morning journey, with nothing but a small matching handbag and a smile, took me to Calicut. The exam was in our Kendriya Vidyalaya, a different one though. I saw people from different states and cultures together… Most of them immersed in discussions about the exam, pattern and strategy. I was wondering if I fit into this scene. With my friends near me and us talking about the money we lost in applying and traveling… and then a car came and stopped in front of us. I saw a gal was immersed in a book, inside it. The figures I saw didn’t make any sense to me. Of course, I knew I was a goner. Not that I had any ‘hope’ before. :D

I went. I wrote. I forgot. This would be how I would describe my exam.

And then after the exam, we walked back to the place where we could board a bus. And I started off to NITC and my friends, to our hometown.

I reached the so called NITC after some 2-hour’s journey. And was damn hungry by then. I had already smsed my cousin that I needed a sumptuous lunch or rather should I mention that it was already 3.30 and hence may not count as lunch?

Getting down at the destined stop I looked around for a familiar face waiting for me. But alas! No one was there. And so, I walked a bit assuming, as always, my feet knew better than brain about the way. Well, this time it seemed I was right. There it was, the grand gates of the NITC. [OK Not so grand though. :P Golden paint does not imply grandeur.]

As I got into it, I kept on smsing my stupid cousin. “Come over you @%^(^&$%!!” Well, I waited. I talked. To the god-knows-who, who was sitting there on watchman duty - About every single detail of my visit; Whom am I going to meet. Who will come for me there. How do I know them all. Are there guys and gals… where would I stay. Goddamit. When he started off with my family matters, I pretended I got a call and escaped. That is when I remembered, god, I had frijo inside this place. Why was I waiting!! I could just call him and ask him to come as well. Well, I called him up and mentioned that I was there. Waiting.

Within minutes he was visible, from the farthest end of Rajpath from me. And I recognized that round head, even from that distance. J Well, he was on his cycle [an attempt to reduce that excess fat on his body or what I don’t know.] As he neared I found his face all disfigured with a “small” growth of hair. God, he looked like a forty year old! And then, I saw a small head at the other side of the road approaching us. It was the one and only Elnammu! My cousin. K Well, as gals, we always take a lot of time to dress up. But only when a gal waits for a gal, do we realize how pathetic our dates feel. :)

As soon as my dear Elnammu approached, I pointed at my friend and said, “ithaadi sneham… [This is love yaar!] Her face contorted in a moment in anger and jealousy. :D [It is nice to irritate her, I remembered. :D Those days I spent with her bro, irritating her at her home… Wow!! It would require another post to mention that fun.] But she didn’t say anything else rather than try to smile, in which she was obviously failing. So, finally her face looked like a “beautiful buffoon”. :D

Satisfied seeing her face and the contentment of making her angry and jealous, I turned back to my friend and said, “ Why can’t you shave off that stupid beard? It looks ugly.”

“You don’t know the tensions of an engineer. We run around too busy. I am having my project presentation. I am too busy these days.”

“Even to shave?”

“Yeah. Even to shave.”

I was wondering how anyone could be too busy to even take time shave n look good. :? It seemed there were unlucky fellows like that too. :P

“Oh nammukkathonnum arinjude… nammalu paavam oru sadharana degree-kkari. Nammale verthe vittekk"

He grinned on this.

After that, we enquired about each other’s well being and of course, after a brief mention of the stupid “rat’s enemy”, I left off with my cousin to wherever-the-heck! And him, to his project.

Instead of going to the hostel, we scampered off to the canteen. For heavenssake! I was hungry as a bear. [Not literally though. :P] I had my lunch and tea [together!] and we slowly walked across the road and off to the LH, [Ladies Hostel].

At last, I had secure accommodation. :P

As we walked on, I saw a gal riding a bike. [Yes. You read right “a gal!”] As I saw that, my adrenaline rushed through my veins [or arteries or wateva!] and I screamed. :D I love biking. :D [Though these days dad thinks it is not ‘politically right’ for a gal to ride bikes. :| ] Once upon a time I used to ride bikes too. But that was a real ‘once upon a time’ :(

I whistled and catcalled!! Man!! That was real cool!!! My cousin whispered into my ears “This is our ‘chekkan’. ” she whooshed past us! And I jeered and cheered and catcalled and wateva!! My cousin, who believes in being a typical mallu gal, all very disciplined and conventional, gave me an angry whisper “Now shut up! We are near our faculty quarters.”
“So, they will hear your catcalls!!”
“So what!” I put my tongue out to irritate her, if I had not already done that. :D
“God!! You will destroy my ‘manam’ here.” [‘Status’ in a wide assumption.] And she made me wonder how come she had a “status” there!!

Since our chekkan had gone beyond vicinity, I shut up. And of course, since I could not go back now, I was not about to be denied accommodation just bcos of some catcalls. :D

Well, as I turned and looked at where we were heading, I saw two faces, slowly emerging from the far end of the lane. As their bodies became visible, I found both were typically in the same shirt. more like cartoons printed on them. :P

“Serina and mols” she whispered again. As I tried recognizing their faces from that distance [from the pics my cousin showed me in her hols [Oh, they were a torture, sitting for hours looking at some stupid videos, all eually boring :( ] ], I knew I was in for memories for a lifetime [?] …

shesham adutha episode-il. :P [Continued in the next episode.] [Read I am too lazy to complete this right now.] :D

PS- My cousin has been bugging me to blog on her stupid college from the moment I left that place. please bear with me. :( Anyone who catches the "bored-off-my-a**" disease, please blame her. :P n not me. :D thanks in advance. :D -Joe.

Nov 17, 2008

"Whither art thou?"

A lover's sigh;
The weight of wants.
Hurting heart,
thudding fast.
Lifeless life.
Heartless love.
All she has,
has a mourning bend.

The tear of love,
rolling down,
wetting cheeks,
and biting lips.
Unkempt hair
hiding burns,
of passion, past
and some praise.

O ! My Love,
"Whither art thou?"

Nov 8, 2008

love u bro!!! :D

u stayed with me.
thru this ordeal.
when i cud lean on.
and cry on.
you stayed with me..
fr heaven and hell.
and told me i was rit n gud.
i nvr thot i wud surpass this.
for i feared i mit brk dwn.
but u held my hand
and brot me thru.
for god knows i needed u.
he sent u to me.
for hearing me out.
and letting me carry on..
till this was over.
the time has passed..
wen my eyes were wet.
but these eyes r now wet.
cos of u.
for ur love bro,
i can cross the seas.
and war the world.
for ur love, i am happy i had.
love u!!

Nov 3, 2008

Toppling hope ..

Unpicked calls,
communication falls..
I wonder why
optimism fails.
Days spent alone
lonely and bored,
speaks volumes and more,
through the face he adored.
Mails have stopped,
from a frequency that topped.
It makes me wonder,
if the reason is more than a thunder.

Keep wondering, I tell myself.
And wondering about heaven and hell.
For your love is lost.
And now, is just a ghost.
The later you know,
the later you hear,
the better, I am sure.

Yes! Let it be late.
Just a bit later than Never!

Nov 1, 2008


ഒരുപാടു പ്രണയിച്ചു ഞാന്‍,
ഹൃദയതിന്നുള്ളിലെ നീര്ത്തടത്തില്‍..
സന്ധ്യകള്‍ ചേര്‍്ന്നൊരാ വര്ണ്ജാലകം
തുറക്കാതെയെന്നോ നീയെന്‍
മനസിന്റെ വഴികളില്‍ വിഹരിച്ചുവോ?

പാതിയടഞൊരാ കണ്കളും
പിന്നെയാ വാര്‍്മുടിക്കെട്ടിന്റെ ആലസ്യവും,
ഏതോ കിനാവിന്റെ മര്‍്മരം കേള്‍ക്കുവാന്‍
മോഹത്തിന്‍ മൂര്‍ധാവില്‍ വീണുടഞ്ഞു..
എന്‍ സിന്ദൂരമുഖരിത രാവുകളില്‍.

എങ്കിലും എന്‍ പ്രിയതമാ ഇന്നു ഞാന്‍,
വേര്‍പാടില്‍ ഒരു രാവ് തീര്‍്ക്കുവാനായി
ഇത്ര അസ്വസ്ഥയാവുന്നതെന്തിനാണ്?
എന്‍ തനൂ ഞെളിപിരി കൊള്ളുന്നു വ്യര്‍്ഥമായി..

ഈ വാക്കുകള്‍ നിന്നടുതെത്തുന്നതിന്‍ മുന്‍്പായ്,
ഈ രാവിന്റേ മൃത്യു ഞാന്‍ കാണുമെന്നൊര്ത്തോര്‍്ത്ത്
വിരല്തുംബിലെ കറുപ്പിന്‍ കളങ്കം മായ്ച്ചു ഞാന്‍
സ്മ്രിതിയിലെ വര്ണസ്വപ്നങ്ങളില്‍
സ്വയം നിര്‍വൃതി പൂകുന്നു..

The Withering Rose..

The pain of being apart,
wonder why...
The rose of Valentine
is withered and brown.
The pages of my book,
have a rosy tinge now.
Still, I am here.
And he is there.

Letters scattered on the table,
waiting to be reread; again.
The dungeons of my mind,
getting desperate and worn.
Of thoughts; unfavorable, pessimistic.
Singing a melody
on the death of life.
Oh! An elegy for you, Life!

They flowered, withered.
Flowered yet again.
And here, Spring is late.

Time's gone on..
My hair's turning grey.
Will I ever bloom?
Or remain broken, waiting and worn?
The pain of being apart,
is too much for me, to bear..

My Eternal Bliss.

When he thought of hugging me,
I told him not to.
For the fear of wanting more.
For the fear of asking more.
When he thought of kissing me,
I told him not to.
For the fear of swooning.
For the fear of self abandon.
He left me.
Thinking I am inept.
And he flirted and slept.

My heart ached.
It was a pain to see this.
I cried every night.
And wet my pillow.

And then,
one day, he died.
And that day, I rejoiced.
For he was mine, now.
Till eternal bliss.

Me, A Wanderer.

O! Wanderer,
tarry a little.
Take me with you,
For I am fellow less.
May be, on the way,
we might talk.
Or if fortune favors,
we might befriend.

Cartons of loads,
come with me.
You don't have to share it.
But just keep my pace.
O, the load.
Its nothing important.
Just some past deeds,
that weigh on my back.

O my wanderer,
please stay back.
I have to pay something,
for all this weight.
May be, I will keep on paying
till my death.
Or just a little and move from here.

The wanderer tarried.
Was with me forever.
Gave me company
and heard my talk.
I guess,
we became bosom chums,
who had a pace
and were at ease.

Everything I did,
the Wanderer too did.
For it was my shadow,
who shadowed me till death.

Fading away..

Looking at his faded picture,
my eyes blinked away tears.

The days we enjoyed together,
partying dancing, or just walking.
Savoring those thoughts,
I closed my eyes.
Remembering those days,
when we had no grey.
when we were together.

He is gone..
Telling me, he would wait there.
I wish I could be with him.
May be, its time.
To join him; My Love.

Gotten ready, I hugged the faded picture.
His faded picture, close to my heart.
And Waited...

The next dawn saw,
a large mob in black, mourning a soul.

The Forgotten Poem

A forgotten poem,
is burning in my heart.
To just burst out
and play its part.

Wonder what it has to say!
A sorry?
To the Angry Lover?
Or a hai?
To a familiar stranger?

I wish I could let it burst.
And play its part.
But God forbid,
If it's a sordid confession.
If it were,
I would rather die.
Bursting my heart.
Than ..
Than to let it out.

Oct 25, 2008

Mookkile Pallu.. :D

Actually, this is a post which needs an amount of humor sense and understanding of Malayalam.If you dont have either, please feel free to browse other posts, or leave for better work. :)And yes, the saying in malayalam "Mookkil Pallu Mulakkya" [Literal Translation- "Tooth growing in Nose" heheh!!! It just means, 'getting old before something that is usually done, is not done.' (Any better interpretations are welcome.:) ) ]

So, for the ones who are carrying on, I hope you do really have a bit of common sense. :) Cos, otherwise, the post wont make sense to you.. :)

Now, this was a chat, I had with a chat-friend of mine, one month or so before..While I was browsing thru my old chats, I found this piece and felt the analogy beautiful.. :)
Sharing it with you...

It was kinda 9 o' clock I guess.. An excerpt. Changed from our chat lingo, a bit, for better understanding.

"Him: So you had a bonanza this time.Onam n bday.
me: :)
but it was no big deal actually..
It comes like this once in a while..
him: hmm. i knw u r getting old..
me: yeah.. :)
getting older.. :P
'Growing up is choice, but growing old is mandatory.'. :P
him: mukil pallu mulachu thudangiyo?
me: illa.. doctorodu paranju athu parichu kalanju.. :P
ippo mookkil pallilla.
aviduthe mookkile pallinu sugalle? :P
him: :)
pinnee paramasugam!..
me: hehe.. ;)
him: athu engane valarnnu kodirikkyalleeeee...
me: athe... arodenkilum paranj athinuru full stop ittude? :P
veetti paranjunokk..
chelappo shariyavum. :D
him: hmm.....veettukaru pandee paranjatha...njan athangu valrnnotee ennu vicharichu. ;)
me: :D
ini ippo veettukarude aduth thanne kondu poi parich kalayana plan? :P
swayam parikyo?
him: athu athinte paatinu potteeenne..
me: :)
appo pallu pinnem valarum..
enthayalum gud!
valaratte.. lle?
him: pattiyaaa doctoru varunnathu varee...
me: hehe..
appo doctore kathirikya.... :P
shari shari.. :)
him: hmmm.. athu varum ennulla prathikshayilaaaa...
me: :)
everyone is waiting for the doc. :)
him: thaan pandee parichu kalanjilllee..
me: :-|
sathyam parnjal njan athinode varanda ennu parnju.
him: hmmm...
me: appo pinne, enganya parikya?
verthe. pallu thekkande!..
him: hmmm...
me: ?
him: mad and madi...good..
both the adjectives suits u very well...
me: yeah.. both together, gimme less than O possibility of getting that tooth grown.
appo inganyokke..
angu pokum..
him: hmmm.. sheri..sheri..
me: shari alla ennu paranjalum inganya ippo nadakkane.. :)
u dont meet gud teeth at work?
him: hmmm...but athonnumee...nalla pallalla...ellam manja palla... :)
me: :D
nice analogy.
manja palline thechu veluppikkan plan vellathum undo? ;)
him: endina .... kashtapedunnee...athinte enamel poovum. :D
me: :D
really man, I liked that thot.. :)
appo venda..
namukk vere pallundallo lle?
him: hmmm...anagane vicharikkaam
me: :)
allathe vere nivarthi illallo?
him: hmm angane onnum...
me: :D
him: already amrried..
me: :-o
him: to cinema
me: really??!!!
man!! u gave me a real big shock. :P
him: :)
me: hehe..
him: hmmm?
me: :)
him: oh.. hmmm.. u get shock without any reason.. :) ?
me: well, I thot I had the right to have known it.. :)
n suddenly out of the blue u said..
him: hmm ic..
me: :)
had dinner?
him: so early?
not yet..
me: :)
him: so r u brushing ur teeth nw?
me: nope.
teeth r all fine.
no toothpaste.
didnt care to buy.
him: umikkariyum uppum-aaa nallathu
me: :D
athe.. at least veetil undakkunnath aanallo..
him: :)
me: ok dear..
i have to eave..
mom calling me..

have fun..
me: tc.

him: ono."

Oct 20, 2008

Miss You...

The unpolished walls of my room,
remind me of you.
Your face was all wrinkled;
filled with ditches and pitches.

My life,
is incomplete without you.
My days , colorless and prankless.
My nights, dreamless and empty.

I loved your proximity.
Your advices, help and recollections.
When one day,
it dawned to me, that
You'll forever be gone from my life,
I knew, my life would never be the same.

The unpolished wall is still there,
giving me company.
It still reminds me of you.
But granma, I still miss you..
I wish, always wish, you were near me..
With me, forever..

Oct 19, 2008


Suddenly one day I knew..
I loved you..
It was beautiful to know..
There was a spark without a flaw..
We went on caring..
and went on meeting..
But why? Why did this happen?
I didnt know.
And asked you..
You didnt have a clue too.

I didnt love you anymore..
Suddenly one day, I realized
that I didnt love you anymore..

Oct 11, 2008

Soliloquy of a "Narcissist" !

I talk to myself.
For no one does that for me.
I sing to myself,
and hear whatever I speak,
rather, listen..
For no one does that for me.
And love myself.
For again, no one does that for me.

No one is like me.
and I am like no one else.
And that is why,
as someone said,
"The more people I meet,
the more I love myself."
For no one else,
Yes, no one else, does that for me.

Oct 9, 2008

Dark and Light.

I stand in the dark,
staring endlessly.
A false sense of security
surrounding me.

Unlike others,
I dont fear the dark.
I fear the light,
which might alight
my imperfections.

I walk in the dark,
searching my way
and stumbling infinitely.
But still, proceeding.
When I tread in light, but-
I feared proceeding.
For the fear of next.

I love the dark.
And despise light.
For, I feel comfort in the dark
and fear, in light.

Oct 2, 2008


I dont find any meaning in life.
'Why' is something,
I have been asking all my life.
Why are we born?
Why get educated?
When, all we gain at the end,
is Death?

Why a marriage?
Why love?
Why some kids?
When, all find final peace,
only in Death?

Why a car?
A luxury bunglow?
All this fuss about beauty?
When, one day, all we have is,
A ride in an ambulance (pee-pee!)
a decorated coffin (to live in.)
and six feet earth.
To decay, smell and rot
for the rest of your history?
I always wonder.

Oct 1, 2008

I would never wanna lose you...

There is this guy I love.
I admire and adore.
The way he loves me and consoles,
The way he tricks, teases and bugs.
There is no secret that can distance us.

The way he eats
and yet tells me,
'I have to lose weight.'
The way he says,
'I will never say 'Sorry'!'.
And yet, rewords it for me..
The times when he talks about his granpa..
And gets furious about small things..

Life would be dull and boring,
if not for you.
You are something in my life,
that I never wanna lose..
You are something
that I would love, even in recluse.
I just love everything about you.
He is my 'bestest' friend,
and my Brother!

Love you man!! :)

Sep 14, 2008

I cant name this poem anything.. it names itself.. :)

for u, i will smile..
for u i will walk a mile.
for u the world will spin.
and these things forever will be in.
my heart and my soul.
something abt u is my all.
there are words that cant speak.
wen emotions go up high on peak.
words will never mean anything now.
but i want u to know, my heart is pumping high.
world may not know.
i may not show.
it will still be there
always, without wear n tear..
i just felt like telling u how i felt.
but i know, i cant, even if i knelt.
on my knees and told u.
how much, and how much u mean to me.

Sep 13, 2008

Crazy Ideas.. :)

crazy ideas always make no sense. but sometimes when things go differently once in a while, these ideas may seem to be one of the best or may be, ever-present, yet, unnoticed ideas.. for example, the dragon-fly always flew. but no human ever thought of building a structure like that to make a humans fly.

humans are so insignificant in this universe. but we think we are too good. [ i am not counting myself out from human race. but that is how we are acting and i pity this race about it.] Nature has immense amount of ideas lurking in every nook and corner of it.. we have not even found out or utilized, even 10% of what nature has for us..

one day, we might find ourselves levitating on the power of individual will power. [though our yogis are said to have done it ages ago..] and that is a 'joke' at this point of time, when the researches on anti-gravity is just on its threshold. but flying was a 'joke' before Wrights flew.. :)

just putting in my random thots.. in.. i call this blog "Random Thotzz" for not nought. :P

Aug 28, 2008

Ever thought?

Walls can speak.
'Stick no bills.'
'No trespassing'
'Couples only'
Oh! Well, never have I thought of that before.
The silent speakers.
They not only speak
but work.
Ever thought about it?

The Fork.

I stand at a fork.
One leads to Love; My Future.
But, with uncertainties.
And insecurities.
One to Friendship; a 'Forever'.
But the magnetism
lurking to attack.
Which way?
He says anything is fine.
But adds, I disturb him.
My words do.
And his laugh disturbs. Me.

Our future is uncertain.
May be together,
we will end up penniless.
Or millionaires.
May be, my dreams
will go unfulfilled.
Or they would include him..
Everything is uncertain.
But my motto is fed.
'Spontaneity, Changes, Surprises.'
Anything might meet us.
And we will meet them together.

His advices leading me.
His laugh enticing me.
Trying to shake my mind,
for a closer bond.
While watching him
with someone.
And still feeling the possessive envy..

God knows!
I am confused.
Which way?
What ought I choose?
The 'Forever'
Or my 'Motto'
Or would the fork converge?
As 'Forever Spontaneously Together'?

The road, less travelled..

I took the road less travelled.
But on the way,
I cut some trees,
killed those birds,
trampled the greenery,
polluted a pond,
killed a man
and bedded a woman.
I took the road less travelled.
I hope,
No one knows..


I dream of him.
His fingers like ants,
exploring me.
His lips
enjoying me.
His eyes
ravishing me.
But he dreams of Her.
And always did.

Yes. I was afraId.

And that kept me thinking about it always.
worrying and frightened.
They can do anything.
The pack of them spread throughout the world.
With dozens of friends.
I don't want you to get hurt.
I would lose you if I gain you.
Running anywhere wont make any sense.
Cos they know what to do.
I donno..
This made me fear.
Every time your number flashed on my mob.
I was afraid.

Aug 25, 2008

In Christ alone my hope is found.. muah!!! :D

In Christ Alone
First Line: In Christ alone my hope is found

"In Christ Alone"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2001 Kingsway Thankyou Music

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

The most beautiful english song I have ever heard.. :) gives me hope. In Christ alone my hope is found.. :) :) :)

Aug 15, 2008

My Train Sagas...

My train life is pretty happening.. I cant say it is always exciting but then, it is happening.. everyday, I have the fortune [or misfortune, depending on the person I meet.], of meeting someone interesting on the journey.. I decide I wud write about that, that day evening.. But then, as and when I reach back, my only thought is to get online and talk to my someone these days.. and the thots of blogging are pushed to the backside of my mind..
Wait! A frnd online.. :(
Ok. He has gone to have tea. Will be back in 10 minutes.. I think I shud jot something before he gets back.. As usual, it wud be to vent his emotions, but then I cant help it.. I listen to people..
so, I was talking about my train journeys..
One day, I met a kid. Small thing.. Some 7 yr old.. He was with his Amma and Aunt.. Now, the kid was travelling in a train for the first time.. He was kinda excited.. Kept asking his aunt things like "Why is this train getting slower?" "Why does it have to stop?" "Why cant it go to the place we want, first?" "Why is this chechi traveling with us?" I smiled hearing his questions..
He smiled back.. such a sweet thing.. And then, he became shy. :) Went and hid in his amma's saree.. I was thinking,only small innocent things can do this.. :) And that is the beauty of kids.. Then, he started peeping out from his amma's saree, to see whether I was looking at him. And i was also enjoying it.. We started playing peekaboo. ;) After sometime, i started feeling glances of people who were starting to notice my kiddish behaviour.. So, I stopped and took my mob out.. To mail my someone.. When he saw that I was not interested in playing with him anymore, he slowly came out of the saree, bolder now. Next thing I knew, he was near me.. looking right into my mob screen.. :D One hand on my lap... trying hard to strain his body up, so that he could reach my height. I was surprised..:) and happy..
He then asked me "Is this nokia?" 'No.' "Sony Ericsson?" 'Yup' "My dad has a Sony Ericsson, amma has Nokia, ..." and went on to describe all the mobs in his family.. Granma's Granpa's and all god-knows-who's..

The kids have grown.. Aint they? :) I didnt even know a phone cud be taken with you while you travel when I was that small.. :)
May be he wud have a mob of his own, soon, by the looks of it.. :)
Donno whether my kids will be born with a mobile and laptop 'sponsored by heaven'.. :P hehe..
In that case, god, send something user friendly,with user manual and all.. If those things ask me how to use it, how am I supposed to tell them how?? :P

The life of a Puppet.

Moments pass by,
telling me a story I already know..
This life, has nothing to give me,
other than a story of Past.
The Present,
Well, I guess it is just a mirage.
And Tomorrow, just a dream.

Life goes on,
writing a script, making it up..
at the moment.
I try writing the script myself.
But life is adamant.
It rewrites, and gives me shocks
n surprises.
Destined to live by the rules of Unknown, I live.
A life of a puppet.
The life, of a Puppet !

Jul 15, 2008

Personality Disorder Test - Personality Test

my results.. on a personality disorder test.. :)
guess i was mad from the beginning.. :D

Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: Low click for info
Schizoid: Low click for info
Schizotypal: High click for info
Antisocial: Moderate click for info
Borderline: Very High click for info
Histrionic: High click for info
Narcissistic: High click for info
Avoidant: Low click for info
Dependent: High click for info
Obsessive-Compulsive: High click for info

Jul 13, 2008

Death of an Ideal..

When I cried,
he told me not to.
When I laughed,
he smiled at my happiness.
When I was in one of my tempers,
he made me smile.

But suddenly one day,
Its all gone.
My life is all dark.
I have no smiles.
No more happiness.
He died.

Now I dont have ideals.
I sleep with men.
Even old fellows.
My smile is a mock.
My happiness, a mirage.
I died.

Jul 12, 2008

To Where?

Listening to my inner voice,
I hear a cry.
The cry of the child in me.
"When is the promise of love
gonna be fulfilled?"
"When are those hearts gonna be blasted off,
that hurt me?"
"When would those liars be punished
that cheated me?"

Unanswered prayers..
Unanswered cries.
Twitching eyes..Alternating.
God knows where I am heading!
Only God knows, where I am heading.!

Jul 5, 2008

The Cyber Space Fight between my Sweethearts...

When I say cyber fight, you might think it is between me and someone I met online.
Nah my dear! It is between two sweethearts I know very well..
One of them was with me from the time I started browsing years ago.. The second came into my life pretty recently.. CoZ of Google. And I trust Google.

Mozilla came to my life after Explorer did. Explorer came with my comp. And I had enough of bugs from the Windows people coz it was not "genuine".. Ah, btw, I found the crack, and now it is genuine.. [;)] [:D]
They kept sending me "notifications" and disturbing me while I was browsing. It was so stupid. I would lose data and time while dealing with this Explorer fella.. and then comes "My Savior" Google with Google pack. [:D]
Though I would had to forgo a lot of downloads coz I had to use my download space to download this, I knew this was a 'one time investment'. which would be giving me returns, forever..
Well, in the beginning Explorer didn't mind.
But later on, Explorer started trying to disrupt my FireFox surfs. It sends me stupid bugs and closed down the application every once in a while.
Suddenly out of the blue, there comes this "error reporting" and "closing down". and TADA! FireFox shuts down!. The joke is, the error reporting is done by the Explorer fellow.
May be it is collecting moooore collecting data to send moooore bugs. And irritate me. [:X]
If the Explorer fella keeps this going, I am gonna uninstall the program.. ASAT! [smug!]
But guess what! My sweet FireFox fella keeps restoring the old session everytime it restarts.. [:D]
And then Explorer goes and sits right back in the small icon at a corner of my desktop, all defeated.

If you ask me, I love firefox better. And I know the FireFox fella is gonna do great jobs in future..
Explorer dear, You have to be better than that, than being a SORE LOSER and trying to sabotage my surfs. [:P]!! [:|]

Jul 1, 2008

The roads.. not yet taken.. but not yet decided on too...

This is a day when i no longer seem to be able to believe in myself..
somehow i doubt my decision.
the problem with me being that i have tooo many options and do not know which would be better.
starting from sitting the CAT this November,[now that have sub options. like,
1. sitting at home and preparing.
2.getting coaching somewhere and sitting it, side-along apparition, side along courses. [now this is the option i have sweetly chosen. for the time being.]

now, about the courses,
i am doing a certificate course. in my favorite field advertising..
i mean, i have applied and got admitted for that.

but here, the option sub diversify.
1. i could stay at the hostel there and do the course. [here, there are some very obvious problems[read indecisive situation] that i face.
i.i hate that city.
ii. i don't like its culture.
iii. i like it better at home.
iv. and dad wants me to stay at home.]

2. i cud operate from my home town and do it.[problems being,
i. it takes 4 hrs a day to travel alone.
ii. if i do that, my health would be out of service soon.
iii.i may not be able to do a part time job along with it.]

and what the hell, this keeps on sub diversifying and diversifying.. making me all clueless and confused.
well, it is partly my fault cos i consider all sort of damn options before i choose something.
but this for one, happened so fast, something like in a day or two, that i cud not make all my worries take place before i made any bloody decision.
but whatever, i believe in myself. just that right now, i am not over the shock of all these things in
slowly, i will get over them. i have made a lot of very doubtful decisions in the past but have been all for the best till now.. so, this would also be something like that i guess.

life has always been beautiful, and i am enjoying it!

PS-this entry is not from my yahoo blog. i just typed this down. :D

Jun 21, 2008

Now, Is that what it was?

I felt I was losing my mind.
Thought it was just the usual.
But this was different.
Somehow I was crazier than before.

I asked someone.
He said I was just going through
some teenage stuff.
Someone called me crazy.
Someone mentioned,
I needed a psychatrist.
Then someone said that
it was love.
And I was stuck.

I didnt know how to handle it.
I knew how to handle craziness.
But not this.
This was a different kind.
It was madness.
Of a different kind.

You sing.
Even wen your voice is horrible.
You dance.
Even if you dont know the steps.
You dream.
Even during the day.

You are out of your mind.
But you enjoy it.
Every minute of it.
And want to be more crazy.
It has no cure.

And I enjoy every moment of it. :)
This is the sweetest madness I have ever countered.
And I wish they find no cure for it.. ;)

Jun 17, 2008

ah.. lazy me.. wen will i ever change? [:P]

the rest have some pics in it. and i am too lazy to find a way now.. [:P]

My Alma Mater...:)

It has been long since I blogged. not exactly deliberate.. but u know, it just happened that I did not blog. Life is moving on.. not the best. not the worst. but had been better. had been worse.

khair! aise nahi hotha tho life ko life kyu bulaye? So.... Life goes on.. and I guess I love it the way it is.. [not quite sure..]

This time I wud like to tell u abt my college and my relationship with it....

Wen,I was abt to leave my college for a btr oppurtunity,the class mates there,they had been by then attatched to me... [tho it was only 3 weeks I had spent with them.] and a bunch of them asked me not to leave.. The teachers congratulated me,for the achievement. But asked me if I cud continue.. I really liked wat I was doing then [still do..] . But didnt want to lose an oppurtunity like that. So, I said, I will be going.. And they didnt press me again...
Then,my friends there,they asked me wen I will be leaving. I told them the date and was like a bit sad leaving such wonderful ppl. But I thot I was determined. The day before the counselling, the last day at my college, they surprised me with a farewell gift!!! and I tell u,that is wen I felt I was breaking a lot of hearts wen I was leaving. It was a revolving broken red heart. A crack rit in the middle and had perfume being sent out from that crack. It sang a song with lyrics that asked me 'why I thot of leaving.' And then.. I had rethots.. But it was too late to change my decision. The counselling was just a day away. That day, last hour, the principal Sr. Rose Dheera, called me to her cubicle. And asked me if I was determined.[that is wen I knew it was some kind of a college issue, me leaving...] I said, yes somewat. And then,she spoke to me for an hour and at last I said,may be I will rethink abt it n tell u.
I cud not reject the whole college asking me not to leave... it was like I was already bonded to a place where I had just spent some three weeks. The next day, I didnt go for the counselling. I went to the college instead. and it was not an exaggeration, I was greeted with the fervor of a chief guest. And the princy called me to her cubicle to congratulate me on my decision to stay. And it was only later, I came to know, the farewell gift was an idea to keep me bak.. to try n retain me.. My teachers here are just like my didis. They know wat I am and encourage me wen am in need. They scold me [which is more than often..] wen I step out of the line. But still know, I will excel. And guide me.
I like being here. For one, I had a lot of exposure. I met some ppl who have made a mark in my heart, in my professional aims, in my character... I realized my worth. I met my mentor. Realized wat my goal is and is leading me to it. I dont say it is "heaven". It has its own demerits. But, this place really has done something for me,my Alma Mater!!

advices, trust me, i use them . :P

This is an advice I found useful.. though some parts of it were not exactly acceptable to my moral side..[ I 'censored' them.. :) ]

still thought I wud share it with you..

".....Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind ! you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. [ me n fat?? huh!! (but 20 yrs from now? god knows!!) ]

Don’t worry about the future; or worryabout anything at all... but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. [my papa calls me an idiot cos the only thing i worry about is how to keep myself worry-free..][ i tell him i am in a de-stressed(distressed) ;) mood]

Do one thing everyday that scares you [ah!!! that wud be 'toooooo' interesting! ]

Sing [i do that mostly every waking moment of the day.. ]

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. [this is something i think i ve had flaws in following...but then,u cant say i didnt try..]

Floss [he he.. ]

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. [too true.. ]

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. [ buddy,u got to have a bad memory..that is all.. i do. and mostly forget wat others say.. unless on it depended my whole world!! ]

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. [ love letters??? did he not know we have traveled onto the e-mail age? :P and abt bank statements..well,i am sure u will need it for 'further clarifications' ... ]

Stretch [did that just now.. ]

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. [ah,no wonder i still donno which way to choose,there r three 'ways' before me.. :) to proceed in life..]

Get plenty of calcium. [getting paid for this sandoz ad?? ]

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. [ nvr thot abt that till now.. ]

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. [ there was a part here,that i censored.]

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. [ ]

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. [beauty magz?? wat r they?? ]

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. [ touched a nerve there.. ]

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. [sure..the bestest ever siblings were my birthday gifts.. ]

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. [cant just digest the first part.. 'Understand that friends come and go' is ok..]

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. [ or else,live in new york,then after it makes u hard,go to california. ]

Travel. [sure dude!!! ]

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. [there,he has said something too sensible..i shud show this to my granma.. ]

Respect your elders. []

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85. [ i know i know!! ]

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. [ wha??? !!! .. ]

Trust me!!! [ yeah!rit! ]"


It has been long since I blogged.. not that it had a "wide " readership...[well, it is in the private setting for the time being...] but well, u ppl shud have noticed..

I had an accident and was bedridden and then had some other stuff to attend to and was unable to blog..

Even now,a very troubled time is passing.. my comp crashed somewhere like 3-4 mobile tried "suiciding"...i had to take it to the service center.and that guy has not yet got back to me.[tho it has been a week and i have been tying to get to him and he said he would get to me after he analyses my mob..] he would do it only until i lose my patience.the net connection also had a lot of problems in the mean time.. and then comes my "favorite" problem!! my pg application. it is a mess. I lost 450 indian money in the process...and on the verge of losing another 900 indian monies...and still not sure whether i got that thing reach the centre in time...and then comes a fight with my sis...[well,dont ask me "for wat" we do it frequently..] but this tme she cried.. i dont like that.. cant bear it.. so...that too was a headache.we made up. had to scream at an official cos he was irresponsible. but God help me, he brought 5 officials to do the work, the very next day, after he got a piece of my mind..and i personally messed up my viva. and i spoke my mind to one of my frnds and he turned hostile to me..[not that i now care.. i speak my mind. i cant just keep my thots to myself. if someone has any problems accepting me, it is his prob. let him deal with it.. i am not gonna change..]

But as a friend of mine consoled me,at "0" level, u dont have to worry abt anything.. it can never get worse.only,"better"..

Title??? got no time to decide.. :P

Donno wat makes me blog rit now..i usually blog in notepad and then wen i get online,i just copy and paste it. today i just felt like blogging straight away.. may be cos i am "jobless" for the time being or may be cos i wanted to try this type of blogging out..

As the night is passing by, i feel a sense of idleness.. as the night life gets active,[including me] the diurnal life is getting to or two mosquitoes are keeping me company now.- they dont really know that biting me is pretty dangerous.- and one or two cars are wooshing past now and then, in the highway.. i can see them thru the office room's window.. and somewhere some leak is letting water drip in a constant tone.. like a background for the muZic of my typing..a very old mob is lying on my computer table looking like it mit cough up its internal parts anytime..

I am chatting at the other window with a frnd,whose dial up connection is irritating both of us by disconnecting itself frequently..after every three words he has to redial..he usually concerns himself with my future plans and today too he came over to wish me luck for my exams..both of us exchanged big grins after sharing the info that i have an exam day after tomorrow and still am online.finally he gets irritated and curses the connection and tries apologising for a fault that is none of his. and says he wud luv to chat with me with a 'saner' connection.another disconnection and he sends me an offline saying he was surrendering to it.

well, when things r out of ur control, to say that u r surrendering to it,is ridiculous. i mean, there is nothing else u can do abt it...i replied exactly that.

my bro just landed on the chat box. got scolded for being online and not with my books now.. he is insisting i go to get my books. and i think this is the untimely death of this blog entry.

Die my dear Blog!! Die!! It was written in ur Fate..[]

Jun 10, 2008

Ente.. Priyappetta..

Ingane oru priyappetta prabhathathil njan ninne aadhyamaayi adutharinju..mazha nananju, oru cheru punjiriyumaayi paavam njan akhsharalokathekku aadhyamaayi.. aadhyamellam enikkishtam aayirunnu.. matullavare pole njan karanjilla.. karanam enikku kootu ente priyappetta suhruthaayi, nee undaayirunnu...karayunna kuttikalil ninnu rakhshapedan njan, classmuriyude janalil irkkumaayirunnu.. ninne ormippikkunna aarthirambunna mazha nokkikondu.. eppozhokkeyo njan aa mazha nanayan kothichittundu..mazha kazhinju varunna prabhathangalil, ketti ninna chalivellathil kalikkan njan agrahichirunnu...ennalum, enthukondo... njan kalichilla.
pinneedeppzhokkeyo... njan valarnnu..
priyappetta suhruthe, njan ninne marannu..
mazhaye njan pedichu.. karanam athu enikk asugam varuthumennu achan paranju..
janal padikal vrithikedayirikkumennu vishwasichu.. karanam... karanam ellavarum angane vishwasichu...
innippol, veendum nee vannirikkunnu.. ente priyappetta mazhayumaayi..
priyappetta june,njan ninne pranayikkunnu..

- Durga..

Jun 7, 2008

Nitwit Oddment Tweak.. :)

Well, random must mean Real Random rit? So, I can blabber on anything.. Not that I dont always do that. I do I keep on doing that! some ppl find it interesting others find me a bit more than extrovertish.
wind can calm me.
but then I am not always calm.
I mean, I get angry often.. ppl run away from it.
today someone said he is ok with me gettin angry.
but wud prefer I wont keep mum.
I always get so upset about tiny things.
especially wen I know I have messed it up.
and there is no way out.
things in the past have no way out.
and I mostly fret about the past.
like some thing's result will be out in 4 days.
something that will decide my destiny.
or the void of my destiny whichever applicable.
well, again, I know I have messed it up.
well, I guess the only thing that can be done is wait.
tho I am really tensed.
well, there are always other options.
the only problem being that I have not thot abt them till now seriously.

anyways, me got to go. will bring on in new blabber, nitwit and oddtweaks later.

Jun 4, 2008

The Song Of a Phoenix

The song of a Phoenix,
is ringing in my heart.
Heavenly, yet sad.
Not a screech,not a scratch.
But a melody, beautiful and sad.

Loses, pain, failure,
and loses again. .
Shattered dreams, lost relations,
Ah! The Phoenix knows.
And only it does.

But the song, gives me hope.
The hope- that heavens might
open one day,
and take me in.
Or leave me alone!

The Moonlight mourns.
Of not death or of dearth.
But reasons unknown;
or may be known.
But nonetheless, does mourn.

And a song of Phoenix, keeps ringing in my heart.

Some qns I have always wanted to ask....

Why is default not the opposite of fault or correcting faults?
Why has IITs not produced any miraculous inventer in engineering field?
Wat was God thinking wen he created stupids?
Why do Americans think they rule the world?
Worse,why do the rest of the world think they do it?
Still worse,why do we [Indians ]think we must act like those bl$%^&; Americans rule it?
Every tragedy in ur life,has one common factor in it,u.Why?
Wat happens after death? where do we go?
Why do men think it is difficult to understand women?
Why r lawyers always considered liars?
Why do ppl come to ur life wen they have to go anyways?

Well,a lot more are still with me...may be I will update later... :) not now,I feel lazy now.
A qn b4 I leave,why am I so lazy??;)

May 30, 2008

Why did you come to me then ??

Nothing could burn my passion;
Unless it was you.
Nothing could bring tears in my eyes, if not you
and your memories.
No day did pass without your thoughts running.
And crying.
Slowly, I loved you. Slowly I cared for you.

Everything behind me, is darkness
B'cos it misses you.
Everything is blurred, vision is dimmed..
All I remember seeing, is your lips.
Every day I think you will return.
And be sorry.
Slowly, I realize, you lied. Gradually, I realize...
You never meant what you said.

May 24, 2008


Silence speaks.
Eyes speak when they meet.
Hearts hear.Feel.
Be it hatred,love or fear.
All in silence.
Death - The Ultimate Sentence to Silence.

May 10, 2008

What was wrong???

I called him today.He picked up.
Not even a sound of recognition.Why??
I told him I miss him.Just a sigh.Why?
Asked him how he was.
- I donno how Iam living on..
I still miss you a lot.
And an afterthought.Take care;
I heard the death of a sob.Why??

Life has gone on.

We have changed.Both of us.
But I still remember her smiling face.
Her loving words.But...Why??
Was it destiny??
Was it ,being practical??
Why was I being emotional, then??
Why was I having tears??
Why did we part??

Something was wrong.

What WAS wrong???
Was it me?Was it her??
It was certainly me.But why??
Why was it me? Why not her??
I donno how I am living.
I still miss every single moment.
But why??Why now??
But everything was wrong.I know it.
And she knows, I know.