Durga's Random Thoughts.

Man, I wonder if recession is gonna occur like the old American recession in 1980s.. If it happens.. God knows we are doomed. It is dry on job front. :( Seriously dry. Internationally that is.. India is not yet hit. That much. But it will affect us too.. I donno why it came down when most of the youth like me are just into the job front.. Seriously downtrodden.. I am upset. In the sense.. Well, even anyone who is placed, are out of call letters.. Cos the companies are not recruiting anymore. Compromise would be the manthra I guess.. On the field, salary, firm, location and everything else. But sometimes, it goes right over the 'adamant youth's' head. And I see many people accepting defeat. Not the right thing, of course. But most youth are too damn ambitious that they accept nothing less. Well, I was one, for one. Now, I just don't think things come over just like that.. May be, I should just get a bit practical. I just thought a lot of stuff was 'in store' fo...

My new year resolution.. Well, this year I resolved not to resolve anymore.. Not just on new year, but any time.. I always resolve.. And never moved a finger for the resolution. I resolved the most early in my life, in 10th to study well. And didnt do anything at all. And then, in 12th.. and again.. well, degree.. Always, the resolutions in my studies are always unfulfilled. I just keep saying I will. But I just wont. And I have never given my 100 percent to anything in life. Wasted 2 decades. :) Or may be, not wasted.. Well, gotten ready for something better. Someone said, " To make something, you just have to believe it's special. " May be I AM special. :) I have always been.. have'nt I? Well, no more resolutions. :) Just being me, would be great enough. :) Love me, love me not, I am just me. :) Yeah, New year, I think just being me, would be great enuf. :) Take me, as I come..

Love is now a fire in me. It is not yet tiring me. Wish this world was smaller and.. And that I had your hand in hand.

My nights are a torment now. My days, too long. My dreams are far too real now, My eyes, look lost. There far away, I see your eyes. And I keep hoping they see me. May be one day, they will find me. And that day, will be heaven for me.

Vertical life, in a horizontal plane. Confusing directions, confusing lines. Withhold me here, so that I learn, more than I hear. Shuttling of minds, trusting the binds, lives, live on.. Blinder than ever. Vertical plane, trying to dislodge, my horizontal life. Confusing me, and making me blind.

A martyr of love, A segment of grief, The piece of heart, broken and torn. With a life, dead, staring ahead, headless, heartless.. Broken and mucked up. Flow of tears, heedless of time. Flow of emotions, heedless of looks. Is it all I gain? Is it all I can do? Is that all, that can be done? Yet, I smile.. I have lost nothing. He, he has.. He lost a lot.

A wish I received on Christmas.. "Avery Marry Christmas!!" !! [ : D ] Guess it was an invitation. [ : P ] On the marriage of Avery and Christmas.. [ : D ] I remember someone telling me about a lady, whose name was "Merry Christmas"... And she ended up being a receptionist at a hotel. So, anytime someone called, she used to answer the phone, "Hello, Merry Christmas! How may I help you?". People must have thought the hotel employed 'Nuts'. [ : P ] Oh! May be, she might have finally gotten married. [ : D ] PS- How more careless can a person get? [ : ? ]

Durga gone fishing!! ( : P ) ( : P )

Christmas is a beautiful time... The windy days and cold nights. The chill of life, engulfing me.. I am waiting for the carols to sing[bring] happiness into my heart.. The crib that looks like the most unworthy, but is the center of the celebration.. balloons.. festoons.. the tree.. lights.. Gosh, it was just nothing short of beautiful. But these days, Christmas is nothing short of showing off.. The cold night is blocked by room heaters.. The windy day, met by closed windows.. Life is for "chilling out". Cribs are worthy. Cos we buy them. And do not have patience to 'make'. Carols are a way for neighbourhood kids to make money. They come, sing a line, and open their hands one inch under our nose asking us to pay for the 'entertainment' they gave. The tree is ready-made, complete with lights. Just plug it in. And tada Christmas time! Are we enjoying? Or making it yet another day of business and show off? [Oh forgot, it is a holiday! huh! :P ] Latest edit :- I ...

My heart pains when I speak.. For the distance that separates us. Separation of souls is just for while .. I ll come to you .. I needed to see ya smile Those were the days when your eyes used to spark.. When my heart beat for you and breaths longed.. For those words I wanted you to speak.. But it never came.. and then.. And then.. Those ugly hands of death parted me from you.. And my death was nearer than it ever could be. May be a ray of hope.. But I will never let it grow.. For the fear of losing it.. PS- The words in italics are not mine. And this poem happened in a chat with Deep a friend of mine.. :) and he is a poet as well.. :) And those are his words. :)

I was chatting with my bore [Ok. It is bro, alrit.] one day. A guy came over to chat with me on the other window. And my bro got irritated that he had to share me with the other guy, for quite sometime. My bro's reactions in the meantime. [Again, please forgive me, it is in Malayalam. Since, it is related to a folklore in Malayalam, translating it wont serve any purpose. So, I dont intend to.] So, here goes the reaction... ninte comradine upekshiku . . . avaane njan thallum . . . gollum . . . waitan para avondu . . . kadathanattu thacholi vadakkan veetil thekkeparambil Anton chekavoroda kali? . . . nee chirikanda!! [I was laughing my head off! :D] . . . [me- avande concn pandaradangi. [concn worked up, somehow, and he had gone offline.] ] . . . ah nanayollo! illenki ariyalo?? 'karali pambara' daivangale njan gonnene!! . . . [And he was back.] . . . salyay!! :( avante karyam pokka! avanodu paranjekku.. gollum! ineku 24 um 6um 38 chandaradivasangal kazhinju! february 29inu...

Things are beautiful only if they are incomplete. Once complete, it loses its beauty. Yesterday, it was said to be the brightest moon of the century. And I [hopefully] expected it to bring out the hidden emotions in me.. Making me da^n romantic and long for love. Cos moonlight has always been a part of romance. And romance, incomplete without a reference to moonlight. [At least for those imaginative birds like me. :) ] I eagerly waited for the night to come yesterday and as soon as the moon was up, I went out onto the terrace to admire the beauty of the most bright moon of the century. But the scene was not at all romantic. :( At least, not with thaaat bright moon. It certainly looked like a cool evening when sun is visible but not in its fury. And here, moon was shining with all its glory. But something, was missing. May be, I always enjoyed the imperfection of moon.. And to say the truth, I found my romantic self stirring, only when I moved a bit nearer to the trees and looked at it ...

a frns request i received at orkut. "be ma frnd so soon..pls na????" Wonder why he was sooo desperate to be my frnd. More like beggin. Man!! Be a man!! And dont please beg!! huh! Another two.. ninne enikku ishtalliaa......... ennodu koottu koodandaaaaaaaaaaaa........... i liked his humor sense. but since he does not "like" me, i thought not to humor him. :P i love you.. oh! really? so, was that ur love that had gone to suicide, when it saw this request?! :-o

Dont be needy of anyone or anything. That may hurt you bad... And that may distract you from what you are. :) So, never be needy of anything in life... And I think you hava a common 'space' where anyone can barge into. Just delete that space. It would help you, I'm sure. Always draw a line. And dont let anybody enter beyond that. The thing is, if you dont do it, it would hurt your freedom, and free-will... - courtesy my Guru... :)

I wonder why life is this boring. As I have once suggested to myself, I might even suicide, if that would give me some excitement. Or Life, please kill yourself, and provide me with some entertainment.

The womb that carried me then, the wall that structured my cell, I revere thee, I revere thy sacrifice. I regard thy suffering, Divine. Thou shared thy blood, and layered me with thy food. Nine months, I drank thee in. Then, out I came, tearing the walls, that protected me. And drank again, thy milky chest. I still am a parasite. I still drink in thy life. But thy love, Divine, Aye! is still no lesser than then.

The vermilion, that reddened my hair. A promise, you gave me for life. The redness of my pallu and my tress. A hope for tomorrow, a hope for life. You came in. Smiled. And kissed my face. Smoked a cigarette, and left me there. Wondering what was going on, I waited, for you to come again. And then came in, two giants of wealth. Together they did, the unwell in bed. My screams went unheard. My tears unseen. My prince charming, didn't come to save me. And then, after the thunder and lightening, my pallu was down, my tress, disturbed. The vermilion matched, the red of my legs. And my promised life, was crystal clear.

Those skinny legs, veined body, sticky palms and burnt face. Leaner looks, cracked voice, nasty eyes and bulgy nose, Sweaty arms, knobbly knees, an ugly sight, not a lady love. But yet, I live with her. She.. [sigh!] She is my wife.

The darkness that flows on my coconut leaves, The silence that prospers in christmas eves, I can hear a distant bell.. Ding Dong Ding Dong! merry, even the hell. I wait. I wait. For the child to be born. Or rather, make sure, his parents do come. My small cowshed, waits in stead, Prying the sky for the prophecy well-known. I made sure the lights of christmas did shine. I made sure the shepherds and their herds did graze. I even made sure there were healthy straws around. And kept waiting, for the baby to be born. Christmas came. Christmas went. But no baby took birth in my shed. Wondering why, I searched all around. But later found, It was my heart all around.

I have no sorrows to forget. I have no failures to brood on. I have no paths I regret. And no deeds to hide. I remember everyone of my sorrows. And I live in my failures. If I regret my paths, I regret my life And to hide my deeds, I have to hide My Self. So, I wont forget my sorrows. I cant brood on my failures. I wont regret my path. And I am not hiding my deeds, For I cant hide myself. For I cant live, unless I am just My Self.

I get to see a lot of newspapers daily. But nevertheless this small supplement of indian express demanded my notice. As a part of revamping the style of ie , there came this new avathar of Saturday magazine - " zeitgeist ". The whole thing looks like a gimmick in first look. The authors' beautiful [or handsome which ever applies more. ;) ] faces are disfigured by some "special effects". They look more like amateur drawings, without finish. I wonder why they don't protest... Most look 'autistic' in their "new look". [Though their knowledge is commendable in their fields.] I like the style of those writers.. But it would have been better, had they looked more like humans. As I turn the first page, I find games, and they don't interest me much. May be I am matured finally. [smug smug! :D] I first looked at the page " sexualities " and wondered what the reason behind the page is. All about "queer" relationships. Gays...

The bread crumbs that satisfied my hunger, the coffee that quenched my thirst, all sit on the table, staring at me. That pathetic figure of mine. Lean and starved. Anorexic and diseased. I lay on the bed, staring back at them. Let's die together, I say. And I get up to eat and drink. I eat and drink with a sad face. The crumbs and coffee. Then, then I vomit. Leading us to death. "Yes, let's 'anorexically' die together" I say.

Lying on my table, I see that beautiful thing. Curvy little body and lovely little attatchment. I owe this thing a lot. More than three years of life. Of friendship and pride. My mobile, yes! I owe that lot. That little pink hut, heavier and larger than it, I have always wanted to be there. with my hubby and make love. That little screen that buzzed, lighted up and vibrated on calls, always meant I was never alone. Alone, in the crowd. You woke me up. You sang to me. You winked at me. And found time for me. Yet, today, when you lie shattered, in four pieces, - the hut, the front, the back and the body, I find my filled eyes searching. For at least a hint of life. When I find that nothing is left, I feel like dying. Remembering those days, When you shut yourself, as I lay in the hospital bed. With broken and dislocated bones. A disfigured face.. Oh my sweet mobile! My friend, My soul, I wish you were immortal. I wish life went on and on for you. I wish I could shut myself up. And go on ...

Who am I to write about love, when I just broke a heart? How would I know about love, when I just tore him apart? Why won't these tears stop? Why would they not seem to end? Why do those eyes haunt me? Emptiness and this sudden silence? Pardon me dear, pardon me. For making you mad. And leaving you sad. I wish I never did that. Let me go. And find some peace. Please do go. Find your release. Let me die, my death in peace. Let me find the ultimate release. Leave me alone. And be forlorn. For my heart is heavy now. With the guilt of ripping a heart. The pain of being apart. Yes. Leave me alone... Just leave me alone.

I am missing you. I hope, you had too.. More than this. More than that. It is more than I can ever have. This painful death, Or the 'Oh! so near', is breaking me, and all I have. Miss me now. And kiss me now. For your love is all I ever had. I am missing you. I hope, you will [more than] miss me too..

disclaimer . - this is an actual dialogue between a random orkutter and me. i am nt political. nor do i have any interest in manmohan or adwani's politics. but i felt somethings [all? ;)] he said, needed a correction. all copy pasted from orkut. he had been monologuing for sometime before i started speaking.. didnt feel the need to copy paste that. and in view of the mumbai attacks, i donno how sad i am. so yep, here goes the 'chat'. him : I feels it z too late...Now political parties are make it as wepon for election.They not all caring innocent humens as well as dedicate soldiers.Now media and people are disussing the ways to eleminate terrorism..But tomorow abhayacase or yet another santhosh madhavan/sabarinath will divert their thinikng..As usual media and people enjoye those news forgotting what happened nw in mumbai me : i beg to differ. i dont link abhaya or santhosh madhavan to terrorism. terrorism for ur kind info, is a global threat to a single nation's inte...

After all those things I had done for her, my heart ached now, when I saw her go. That little child all healthy and bright, is a lady lass now, her bosom so tight. The days she cried or the pranks she played, made me proud of being a father to her. I saw her grow, I saw her learn. And I pride myself, now that, I see her go. The beauty in the veil, hand in hand with her man, Oh! I can't hold back them, my happy tears. And I have done, what I can. After all those things, I had done for her, my heart now aches, When I see her go. Yes! My child! Off you go! Make another man's world, A happier lore. PS- Dedicated to the best dad in the world , MINE !!! Love you dad! :)

Once more you could have smiled at me. Once more a tight hug. Once more that little game of smileys in line. Once more a smile from your heart. Once more a soothing one. Once more a kind word to take my tears away. Nothing can change, nothing will change. But I will miss you, and have always been true.

I see my love, striding past. Swaying hips and a melting smile. Hands clenched on the silverware. That I had dreamed of a thousand times. Eyes benign, looks so kind, made her face, look so bright. I closed my eyes fighting through, the series of images, that had put me in cages. Does she know? Or does she not? That she is mine? Her soul just Mine !

My heart still yearns for you, even when I am with him. The smile that could create a flutter in anyone's heart. Life was not easy. Had to marry someone, I never loved, admired. Right from day one, he knew about you. He said "I understand. But now, we are together. Hope u dont mind." When, he kissed, I knew, It never had the passion your kisses had. Or, I never felt it, even if it had. He asked me out. I said yes. That was just it. Nothing more, nothing less. He was my business partner. We married.We had to. We were never together. I never let him be. Hope I had. Still, he cared. For all I had done to him. My heart fluttered, when he said a goodbye. Thought I won't miss him. But, I did. I just called him up. To say that I love him. He is returning. By the next flight. I am waiting for my love, Hoping he reached sooner. His smile, why didn't I notice it before?! How could it make my heart flutter? "Shall I kiss you?" I replied with a kiss. He hugged me. H...

The other day, to be precise, on 16 th November, I had gone to Calicut. More like a tour than a lovely little exam… I was so lavishly carefree that I wondered if there was any sense in this journey, than to waste some money. And so, the early morning journey, with nothing but a small matching handbag and a smile, took me to Calicut. The exam was in our Kendriya Vidyalaya, a different one though. I saw people from different states and cultures together… Most of them immersed in discussions about the exam, pattern and strategy. I was wondering if I fit into this scene. With my friends near me and us talking about the money we lost in applying and traveling… and then a car came and stopped in front of us. I saw a gal was immersed in a book, inside it. The figures I saw didn’t make any sense to me. Of course, I knew I was a goner. Not that I had any ‘hope’ before. :D I went. I wrote. I forgot. This would be how I would describe my exam. And then after the exam, we walked back to t...

A lover's sigh; The weight of wants. Hurting heart, thudding fast. Lifeless life. Heartless love. All she has, has a mourning bend. The tear of love, rolling down, wetting cheeks, and biting lips. Unkempt hair hiding burns, of passion, past and some praise. O ! My Love, "Whither art thou?"

u stayed with me. thru this ordeal. when i cud lean on. and cry on. you stayed with me.. fr heaven and hell. and told me i was rit n gud. i nvr thot i wud surpass this. for i feared i mit brk dwn. but u held my hand and brot me thru. for god knows i needed u. he sent u to me. for hearing me out. and letting me carry on.. till this was over. the time has passed.. wen my eyes were wet. but these eyes r now wet. cos of u. for ur love bro, i can cross the seas. and war the world. for ur love, i am happy i had. love u!!

Unpicked calls, communication falls.. I wonder why optimism fails. Days spent alone lonely and bored, speaks volumes and more, through the face he adored. Mails have stopped, from a frequency that topped. It makes me wonder, if the reason is more than a thunder. Keep wondering, I tell myself. And wondering about heaven and hell. For your love is lost. And now, is just a ghost. The later you know, the later you hear, the better, I am sure. Yes! Let it be late. Just a bit later than Never!

ഒരുപാടു പ്രണയിച്ചു ഞാന്‍, നിന്റെനിഴലിനേപോലുമെന്‍ ഹൃദയതിന്നുള്ളിലെ നീര്ത്തടത്തില്‍.. സന്ധ്യകള്‍ ചേര്‍്ന്നൊരാ വര്ണ്ജാലകം തുറക്കാതെയെന്നോ നീയെന്‍ മനസിന്റെ വഴികളില്‍ വിഹരിച്ചുവോ? പാതിയടഞൊരാ കണ്കളും പിന്നെയാ വാര്‍്മുടിക്കെട്ടിന്റെ ആലസ്യവും, ഏതോ കിനാവിന്റെ മര്‍്മരം കേള്‍ക്കുവാന്‍ മോഹത്തിന്‍ മൂര്‍ധാവില്‍ വീണുടഞ്ഞു.. എന്‍ സിന്ദൂരമുഖരിത രാവുകളില്‍. എങ്കിലും എന്‍ പ്രിയതമാ ഇന്നു ഞാന്‍, വേര്‍പാടില്‍ ഒരു രാവ് തീര്‍്ക്കുവാനായി ഇത്ര അസ്വസ്ഥയാവുന്നതെന്തിനാണ്? എന്‍ തനൂ ഞെളിപിരി കൊള്ളുന്നു വ്യര്‍്ഥമായി.. ഈ വാക്കുകള്‍ നിന്നടുതെത്തുന്നതിന്‍ മുന്‍്പായ്, ഈ രാവിന്റേ മൃത്യു ഞാന്‍ കാണുമെന്നൊര്ത്തോര്‍്ത്ത് വിരല്തുംബിലെ കറുപ്പിന്‍ കളങ്കം മായ്ച്ചു ഞാന്‍ സ്മ്രിതിയിലെ വര്ണസ്വപ്നങ്ങളില്‍ സ്വയം നിര്‍വൃതി പൂകുന്നു..

The pain of being apart, wonder why... The rose of Valentine is withered and brown. The pages of my book, have a rosy tinge now. Still, I am here. And he is there. Letters scattered on the table, waiting to be reread; again. The dungeons of my mind, getting desperate and worn. Of thoughts; unfavorable, pessimistic. Singing a melody on the death of life. Oh! An elegy for you, Life! They flowered, withered. Flowered yet again. And here, Spring is late. Time's gone on.. My hair's turning grey. Will I ever bloom? Or remain broken, waiting and worn? The pain of being apart, is too much for me, to bear..

When he thought of hugging me, I told him not to. For the fear of wanting more. For the fear of asking more. When he thought of kissing me, I told him not to. For the fear of swooning. For the fear of self abandon. He left me. Thinking I am inept. And he flirted and slept. My heart ached. It was a pain to see this. I cried every night. And wet my pillow. And then, one day, he died. And that day, I rejoiced. For he was mine, now. Till eternal bliss.

O! Wanderer, tarry a little. Take me with you, For I am fellow less . May be, on the way, we might talk. Or if fortune favors, we might befriend. Cartons of loads, come with me. You don't have to share it. But just keep my pace. O, the load. Its nothing important. Just some past deeds, that weigh on my back. O my wanderer, please stay back. I have to pay something, for all this weight. May be, I will keep on paying till my death. Or just a little and move from here. The wanderer tarried. Was with me forever. Gave me company and heard my talk. I guess, we became bosom chums, who had a pace and were at ease. Everything I did, the Wanderer too did. For it was my shadow, who shadowed me till death.

Looking at his faded picture, my eyes blinked away tears. The days we enjoyed together, partying dancing, or just walking. Savoring those thoughts, I closed my eyes. Remembering those days, when we had no grey. When, when we were together. He is gone.. Telling me, he would wait there. I wish I could be with him. May be, its time. To join him; My Love. Gotten ready, I hugged the faded picture. His faded picture, close to my heart. And Waited... The next dawn saw, a large mob in black, mourning a soul.

A forgotten poem, is burning in my heart. To just burst out and play its part. Wonder what it has to say! A sorry? To the Angry Lover? Or a hai? To a familiar stranger? I wish I could let it burst. And play its part. But God forbid, If it's a sordid confession. If it were, I would rather die. Bursting my heart. Than .. Than to let it out.

Actually, this is a post which needs an amount of humor sense and understanding of Malayalam. If you dont have either, please feel free to browse other posts, or leave for better work. :) And yes, the saying in malayalam "Mookkil Pallu Mulakkya" [Literal Translation- "Tooth growing in Nose" heheh!!! It just means, 'getting old before something that is usually done, is not done.' (Any better interpretations are welcome.:) ) ] So, for the ones who are carrying on, I hope you do really have a bit of common sense. :) Cos, otherwise, the post wont make sense to you.. :) Now, this was a chat, I had with a chat-friend of mine, one month or so before..While I was browsing thru my old chats, I found this piece and felt the analogy beautiful.. :) Sharing it with you... It was kinda 9 o' clock I guess.. An excerpt. Changed from our chat lingo, a bit, for better understanding. " Him : So you had a bonanza this time.Onam n bday. me : :) yeah.. but it was no bi...

The unpolished walls of my room, remind me of you. Your face was all wrinkled; filled with ditches and pitches. My life, is incomplete without you. My days , colorless and prankless. My nights, dreamless and empty. I loved your proximity. Your advices, help and recollections. When one day, it dawned to me, that You'll forever be gone from my life, I knew, my life would never be the same. The unpolished wall is still there, giving me company. It still reminds me of you. But granma, I still miss you.. I wish, always wish, you were near me.. With me, forever..

Suddenly one day I knew.. I loved you.. It was beautiful to know.. There was a spark without a flaw.. We went on caring.. and went on meeting.. But why? Why did this happen? I didnt know. And asked you.. You didnt have a clue too. I didnt love you anymore.. Suddenly one day, I realized that I didnt love you anymore..

I talk to myself. For no one does that for me. I sing to myself, and hear whatever I speak, rather, listen.. For no one does that for me. And love myself. For again, no one does that for me. No one is like me. and I am like no one else. And that is why, as someone said, "The more people I meet, the more I love myself." For no one else, Yes, no one else, does that for me.

I stand in the dark, staring endlessly. A false sense of security surrounding me. Unlike others, I dont fear the dark. I fear the light, which might alight my imperfections. I walk in the dark, searching my way and stumbling infinitely. But still, proceeding. When I tread in light, but- I feared proceeding. For the fear of next. I love the dark. And despise light. For, I feel comfort in the dark and fear, in light.

I dont find any meaning in life. 'Why' is something, I have been asking all my life. Why are we born? Why get educated? When, all we gain at the end, is Death? Why a marriage? Why love? Why some kids? When, all find final peace, only in Death? Why a car? A luxury bunglow? All this fuss about beauty? When, one day, all we have is, A ride in an ambulance (pee-pee!) a decorated coffin (to live in.) and six feet earth. To decay, smell and rot for the rest of your history? I always wonder. Why?

There is this guy I love. I admire and adore. The way he loves me and consoles, The way he tricks, teases and bugs. There is no secret that can distance us. The way he eats and yet tells me, 'I have to lose weight.' The way he says, 'I will never say 'Sorry'!'. And yet, rewords it for me.. The times when he talks about his granpa.. And gets furious about small things.. Life would be dull and boring, if not for you. You are something in my life, that I never wanna lose.. You are something that I would love, even in recluse. I just love everything about you. He is my 'bestest' friend, and my Brother! Love you man!! :)

for u, i will smile.. for u i will walk a mile. for u the world will spin. and these things forever will be in. my heart and my soul. something abt u is my all. there are words that cant speak. wen emotions go up high on peak. words will never mean anything now. but i want u to know, my heart is pumping high. world may not know. i may not show. it will still be there always, without wear n tear.. i just felt like telling u how i felt. but i know, i cant, even if i knelt. on my knees and told u. how much, and how much u mean to me.

crazy ideas always make no sense. but sometimes when things go differently once in a while, these ideas may seem to be one of the best or may be, ever-present, yet, unnoticed ideas.. for example, the dragon-fly always flew. but no human ever thought of building a structure like that to make a humans fly. humans are so insignificant in this universe. but we think we are too good. [ i am not counting myself out from human race. but that is how we are acting and i pity this race about it.] Nature has immense amount of ideas lurking in every nook and corner of it.. we have not even found out or utilized, even 10% of what nature has for us.. one day, we might find ourselves levitating on the power of individual will power. [though our yogis are said to have done it ages ago..] and that is a 'joke' at this point of time, when the researches on anti-gravity is just on its threshold. but flying was a 'joke' before Wrights flew.. :) just putting in my random thots.. in.. i call ...

Walls can speak. 'Stick no bills.' 'No trespassing' 'Couples only' Oh! Well, never have I thought of that before. The silent speakers. They not only speak but work. Ever thought about it?

I stand at a fork. One leads to Love; My Future. But, with uncertainties. And insecurities. One to Friendship; a 'Forever'. But the magnetism lurking to attack. Which way? He says anything is fine. But adds, I disturb him. My words do. And his laugh disturbs. Me. Our future is uncertain. May be together, we will end up penniless. Or millionaires. May be, my dreams will go unfulfilled. Or they would include him.. Everything is uncertain. But my motto is fed. 'Spontaneity, Changes, Surprises.' Anything. Anything might meet us. And we will meet them together. Or.. His advices leading me. His laugh enticing me. Trying to shake my mind, for a closer bond. While watching him with someone. And still feeling the possessive envy.. God knows! I am confused. Which way? What ought I choose? The 'Forever' Or my 'Motto' Or would the fork converge? As 'Forever Spontaneously Together'?

I took the road less travelled. But on the way, I cut some trees, killed those birds, trampled the greenery, polluted a pond, killed a man and bedded a woman. I took the road less travelled. I hope, No one knows..

I dream of him. His fingers like ants, exploring me. His lips enjoying me. His eyes ravishing me. But he dreams of Her. And always did. Dreams..

Yes. And that kept me thinking about it always. worrying and frightened. They can do anything. Anything. The pack of them spread throughout the world. With dozens of friends. I don't want you to get hurt. I would lose you if I gain you. Running anywhere wont make any sense. Cos they know what to do. I donno.. This made me fear. Every time your number flashed on my mob. I was afraid.

In Christ Alone First Line: In Christ alone my hope is found "In Christ Alone" Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend Copyright © 2001 Kingsway Thankyou Music In Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song; This cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My comforter, my all in all— Here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone, Who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save. Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied; For ev'ry sin on Him was laid— Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness ...

My train life is pretty happening.. I cant say it is always exciting but then, it is happening.. everyday, I have the fortune [or misfortune, depending on the person I meet.], of meeting someone interesting on the journey.. I decide I wud write about that, that day evening.. But then, as and when I reach back, my only thought is to get online and talk to my someone these days.. and the thots of blogging are pushed to the backside of my mind.. Wait! A frnd online.. :( Ok. He has gone to have tea. Will be back in 10 minutes.. I think I shud jot something before he gets back.. As usual, it wud be to vent his emotions, but then I cant help it.. I listen to people.. so, I was talking about my train journeys.. One day, I met a kid. Small thing.. Some 7 yr old.. He was with his Amma and Aunt.. Now, the kid was travelling in a train for the first time.. He was kinda excited.. Kept asking his aunt things like "Why is this train getting slower?" "Why does it have to stop?" ...

Moments pass by, telling me a story I already know.. This life, has nothing to give me, other than a story of Past. The Present, Well, I guess it is just a mirage. And Tomorrow, just a dream. Life goes on, writing a script, making it up.. at the moment. I try writing the script myself. But life is adamant. It rewrites, and gives me shocks n surprises. Destined to live by the rules of Unknown, I live. A life of a puppet. The life, of a Puppet !

my results.. on a personality disorder test.. :) guess i was mad from the beginning.. :D Disorder Rating Information Paranoid: Low click for info Schizoid: Low click for info Schizotypal: High click for info Antisocial: Moderate click for info Borderline: Very High click for info Histrionic: High click for info Narcissistic: High click for info Avoidant: Low click for info Dependent: High click for info Obsessive-Compulsive: High click for info

When I cried, he told me not to. When I laughed, he smiled at my happiness. When I was in one of my tempers, he made me smile. But suddenly one day, Its all gone. My life is all dark. I have no smiles. No more happiness. He died. Now I dont have ideals. I sleep with men. Even old fellows. My smile is a mock. My happiness, a mirage. I died.

Listening to my inner voice, I hear a cry. The cry of the child in me. "When is the promise of love gonna be fulfilled?" "When are those hearts gonna be blasted off, that hurt me?" "When would those liars be punished that cheated me?" Unanswered prayers.. Unanswered cries. Twitching eyes..Alternating. God knows where I am heading! Only God knows, where I am heading.!

When I say cyber fight, you might think it is between me and someone I met online. Nah my dear! It is between two sweethearts I know very well.. One of them was with me from the time I started browsing years ago.. The second came into my life pretty recently.. CoZ of Google. And I trust Google. Mozilla came to my life after Explorer did. Explorer came with my comp. And I had enough of bugs from the Windows people coz it was not "genuine".. Ah, btw, I found the crack, and now it is genuine.. [;)] [:D] They kept sending me "notifications" and disturbing me while I was browsing. It was so stupid. I would lose data and time while dealing with this Explorer fella.. and then comes "My Savior" Google with Google pack. [:D] Though I would had to forgo a lot of downloads coz I had to use my download space to download this, I knew this was a 'one time investment'. which would be giving me returns, forever.. Well, in the beginning Explorer didn't mind. B...

This is a day when i no longer seem to be able to believe in myself.. somehow i doubt my decision. the problem with me being that i have tooo many options and do not know which would be better. starting from sitting the CAT this November,[now that have sub options. like, 1. sitting at home and preparing. 2.getting coaching somewhere and sitting it, 3.like side-along apparition, side along courses. [now this is the option i have sweetly chosen. for the time being.] now, about the courses, i am doing a certificate course. in my favorite field advertising.. i mean, i have applied and got admitted for that. but here, the option sub diversify. 1. i could stay at the hostel there and do the course. [here, there are some very obvious problems[read indecisive situation] that i face. i.i hate that city. ii. i don't like its culture. iii. i like it better at home. iv. and dad wants me to stay at home.] 2. i cud operate from my home town and do it.[problems being, i. it takes 4 hrs a day to t...

I felt I was losing my mind. Thought it was just the usual. But this was different. Somehow I was crazier than before. I asked someone. He said I was just going through some teenage stuff. Someone called me crazy. Someone mentioned, I needed a psychatrist. Then someone said that it was love. And I was stuck. I didnt know how to handle it. I knew how to handle craziness. But not this. This was a different kind. It was madness. Of a different kind. You sing. Even wen your voice is horrible. You dance. Even if you dont know the steps. You dream. Even during the day. You are out of your mind. But you enjoy it. Every minute of it. And want to be more crazy. It has no cure. And I enjoy every moment of it. :) This is the sweetest madness I have ever countered. And I wish they find no cure for it.. ;)

the rest have some pics in it. and i am too lazy to find a way now.. [:P]

It has been long since I blogged. not exactly deliberate.. but u know, it just happened that I did not blog. Life is moving on.. not the best. not the worst. but had been better. had been worse. khair! aise nahi hotha tho life ko life kyu bulaye? So.... Life goes on.. and I guess I love it the way it is.. [not quite sure.. ] This time I wud like to tell u abt my college and my relationship with it.... Wen,I was abt to leave my college for a btr oppurtunity,the class mates there,they had been by then attatched to me... [tho it was only 3 weeks I had spent with them.] and a bunch of them asked me not to leave.. The teachers congratulated me,for the achievement. But asked me if I cud continue.. I really liked wat I was doing then [still do..] . But didnt want to lose an oppurtunity like that. So, I said, I will be going.. And they didnt press me again... Then,my friends there,they asked me wen I will be leaving. I told them the date and was like a bit sad leaving such wo...

This is an advice I found useful.. though some parts of it were not exactly acceptable to my moral side..[ I 'censored' them.. :) ] still thought I wud share it with you.. ".....Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind ! you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. [ me n fat?? huh!! (but 20 yrs from now? god knows!! ) ] Don’t worry about the future; or worryabout anything at all... but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. [my papa calls me an idiot cos the only thing i worry about is how to keep myself worry-...

It has been long since I blogged.. not that it had a "wide " readership...[well, it is in the private setting for the time being...] but well, u ppl shud have noticed.. I had an accident and was bedridden and then had some other stuff to attend to and was unable to blog.. Even now,a very troubled time is passing.. my comp crashed somewhere like 3-4 times..my mobile tried "suiciding"...i had to take it to the service center.and that guy has not yet got back to me.[tho it has been a week and i have been tying to get to him and he said he would get to me after he analyses my mob..] he would do it only until i lose my patience.the net connection also had a lot of problems in the mean time.. and then comes my "favorite" problem!! my pg application. it is a mess. I lost 450 indian money in the process...and on the verge of losing another 900 indian monies...and still not sure whether i got that thing reach the centre in time...and then comes a fight with my si...

Donno wat makes me blog rit now..i usually blog in notepad and then wen i get online,i just copy and paste it. today i just felt like blogging straight away.. may be cos i am "jobless" for the time being or may be cos i wanted to try this type of blogging out.. As the night is passing by, i feel a sense of idleness.. as the night life gets active,[including me] the diurnal life is getting to sleep..one or two mosquitoes are keeping me company now.- they dont really know that biting me is pretty dangerous.- and one or two cars are wooshing past now and then, in the highway.. i can see them thru the office room's window.. and somewhere some leak is letting water drip in a constant tone.. like a background for the muZic of my typing..a very old mob is lying on my computer table looking like it mit cough up its internal parts anytime.. I am chatting at the other window with a frnd,whose dial up connection is irritating both of us by disconnecting itself freque...

Ingane oru priyappetta prabhathathil njan ninne aadhyamaayi adutharinju..mazha nananju, oru cheru punjiriyumaayi paavam njan akhsharalokathekku aadhyamaayi.. aadhyamellam enikkishtam aayirunnu.. matullavare pole njan karanjilla.. karanam enikku kootu ente priyappetta suhruthaayi, nee undaayirunnu...karayunna kuttikalil ninnu rakhshapedan njan, classmuriyude janalil irkkumaayirunnu.. ninne ormippikkunna aarthirambunna mazha nokkikondu.. eppozhokkeyo njan aa mazha nanayan kothichittundu..mazha kazhinju varunna prabhathangalil, ketti ninna chalivellathil kalikkan njan agrahichirunnu...ennalum, enthukondo... njan kalichilla. pinneedeppzhokkeyo... njan valarnnu.. priyappetta suhruthe, njan ninne marannu.. mazhaye njan pedichu.. karanam athu enikk asugam varuthumennu achan paranju.. janal padikal vrithikedayirikkumennu vishwasichu.. karanam... karanam ellavarum angane vishwasichu... innippol, veendum nee vannirikkunnu.. ente priyappetta mazhayumaayi.. priyappetta june,njan ninne pranayikkunn...

Well, random must mean Real Random rit? So, I can blabber on anything.. Not that I dont always do that. I do I keep on doing that! some ppl find it interesting others find me a bit more than extrovertish. wind can calm me. but then I am not always calm. I mean, I get angry often.. ppl run away from it. today someone said he is ok with me gettin angry. but wud prefer I wont keep mum. I always get so upset about tiny things. especially wen I know I have messed it up. and there is no way out. things in the past have no way out. and I mostly fret about the past. like some thing's result will be out in 4 days. something that will decide my destiny. or the void of my destiny whichever applicable. well, again, I know I have messed it up. well, I guess the only thing that can be done is wait. tho I am really tensed. wateva!! well, there are always other options. the only problem being that I have not thot abt them till now seriously. anyways, me got to go. will bring on in new blabber, ni...

The song of a Phoenix, is ringing in my heart. Heavenly, yet sad. Not a screech,not a scratch. But a melody, beautiful and sad. Loses, pain, failure, and loses again. . Shattered dreams, lost relations, Ah! The Phoenix knows. And only it does. But the song, gives me hope. The hope- that heavens might open one day, and take me in. Or leave me alone! The Moonlight mourns. Of not death or of dearth. But reasons unknown; or may be known. But nonetheless, does mourn. And a song of Phoenix, keeps ringing in my heart.

Why is default not the opposite of fault or correcting faults? Why has IITs not produced any miraculous inventer in engineering field? Wat was God thinking wen he created stupids? Why do Americans think they rule the world? Worse,why do the rest of the world think they do it? Still worse,why do we [Indians ]think we must act like those bl$%^&; Americans rule it? Every tragedy in ur life,has one common factor in it,u.Why? Wat happens after death? where do we go? Why do men think it is difficult to understand women? Why r lawyers always considered liars? Why do ppl come to ur life wen they have to go anyways? Well,a lot more are still with me...may be I will update later... :) not now,I feel lazy now. A qn b4 I leave,why am I so lazy??;)

Nothing could burn my passion; Unless it was you. Nothing could bring tears in my eyes, if not you and your memories. No day did pass without your thoughts running. And crying. Slowly, I loved you. Slowly I cared for you. Everything behind me, is darkness B'cos it misses you. Everything is blurred, vision is dimmed.. All I remember seeing, is your lips. Every day I think you will return. And be sorry. Slowly, I realize, you lied. Gradually, I realize... You never meant what you said.

Silence speaks. Eyes speak when they meet. Hearts hear.Feel. Be it hatred,love or fear. All in silence. Till, Death - The Ultimate Sentence to Silence.

I called him today.He picked up. Not even a sound of recognition.Why?? I told him I miss him.Just a sigh.Why? Asked him how he was. - I donno how Iam living on.. I still miss you a lot. And an afterthought.Take care; I heard the death of a sob.Why?? Life has gone on. We have changed.Both of us. But I still remember her smiling face. Her loving words.But...Why?? Was it destiny?? Was it ,being practical?? Why was I being emotional, then?? Why was I having tears?? Why did we part?? Something was wrong. What WAS wrong??? Was it me?Was it her?? It was certainly me.But why?? Why was it me? Why not her?? I donno how I am living. I still miss every single moment. But why??Why now?? But everything was wrong.I know it. And she knows, I know.