Apr 27, 2010

A Delirious Dream

Green and brown grass, intermittent, alternating. I fly over them trying to make
shapes out of them. Squares mostly.
I fly on, to see a building. An old one. But grandeur marks its presence anywhere. A gargoyle on it, with mashed face, looks upto heaven. A bodyless hand on
the mashed side. The reason for the disfigurement.

I love being mad. It is my opium.

I fly up. Look down. See a stair leading to a corridor.
Pieces of broken glass. On the corridor's wooden floor and the stairs.
I feel like walking on them. I feel it would feel good.
A black cow or bull, I donno which. Across my path.Can the river submerge us? This building?

I take off again. On a weird bird now. It has a crown but still looks
weird and its head looks upward.
Suddenly I see the building, a palace presumably, stretches all the way up. And what I saw what just a part of it.
I see a horse figure. Its mouth acts like a water source. Showers
water. A wicked monkey figurine beneath. Showing faces.
I fly on.

I am sad my dream, or vision or whatever it is called was disturbed then. Wish I could out in pictures so you could feel what I felt. But, there are no pics to describe that vision yet.
Mind, is the most amazing things of all. What you imagine, takes a lot of genius to realize.
I am the owner of one such. I cant help being amazed.

Apr 21, 2010


So. I am gonna be somewhere again. Big deal for me. Studies gonna greet me again "Long time no see!". I hope all my neurons aint dead yet.
Had a tough time convincing my super possessive dad. Yeah I admit there are cons for being a daddy's gal. But secretly, I love it. ;)

The past days tested me. A lot. Jobless, hopeless and what not!
I watched 2012 yesterday. Right after we finished, it started thundering and raining. Truth is, it frightened me a bit. :) From a gal with zero tolerance to films and great affinity to scripts, to this! Certainly an achievement. :P
Thanks to a friend of mine.

My realization : One day, if the world ends, and you know it, you will run to do what is most important for you. Imagine this, is the last day. And you will know what you value the most in your life. Do it. One day, who knows, the world will really end. And then, lets not die in regret..

Now to the thanking part. I got into a good insti. - LIBA, here I come!- :) A number of people contributed. And mine, must be the smallest contribution of the lot.

Amma, Appa, for their sarcasm. Their sarcasm is a boost for me. Love them. My Don n Diva! The best couple I have ever met.
My lovely sis, for supporting me while I fought. And for believing in me.
A friend, who listened to me when I ranted on and on about how I was never gonna make it in life. And believed in me, more than myself. Thanks. :)
KA, for asking me to apply to LIBA.
Suraj, for teaching me tricks. And telling me something good is in store for me every time I ranted.
G3, for giving me her CL password and saying "Go work out gal!" [though I didnt use it much, I loved the gesture.]
Uncle, aunt, Sruthi, for taking care of me during my GDPI. And Sruthi, thanks for saying I ll make it. And repeating it while I kept worrying.
Amit, again for believing in me. :)
Roopa, for the books, the combined study [combined gossiping rather. :P ] Her mom, dad n sis for making me comfy at their place. :)
Anton, the one who kept telling me I should live my dream. Thanks bro! :)

To everyone who prayed, thanks. :)
There were atheists who prayed to their Jupiters and agnostic gods. Just this time. For me.
Thanks guys. :)
To my plants and soil, on whom I worked when I was frustrated.

Getting to know my future batch mates now. And really apprehensive about the course. My lazy bones should start working again. :(

I know its a dry post. But could not help thanking all. :)

Apr 17, 2010

A Strong Weak.[?]

So, here is yet another Saturday... I am sitting with a hot cup of cappuccino my sis made for me. And looking back, A very busy kinda week. Monday and Tuesday, classes. Wednesday, tour with friends. Thursday tour with family. Friday Saturday, classes again. And when I am not travelling or teaching, I am in front of the TV or comp. Or reading.
Plan to go out for a treat tomorrow and the day after.

Now to things I noticed this week.

Famous people die. And their long lost relatives make money and fame by writing books and giving interviews. They try to disentangle the past experiences with the famous-dead so much that it makes our head spin trying to decide what a happening life they had. We even think the long lost brotherly cousin and sisterly somebody should have been famous, instead of the dead someone. No bonus points for guessing whom I just pulled the legs of. :P

Tharoor is an idiot at being discreet.
He is into a hell lot of controversies that I hate looking at the newspapers now for the fear of seeing another of his pics. Sunanda, IPL, Tweets [Oh man, he really does not know diplomacy.]... And what not? What is he searching for? A star status? Usually relationship gossips surround stars. Man, you have better ways to do that, if these are all intentional. The media is minting money using him and the 'aura' around him.

While you watch a song, especially in Hindi films, dont watch the main actors. I ll tell you what is more entertaining. Look at the extras. The ones behind. They keep dancing with a look that make us snort. Like they are the lead actors. Just watch it. You will have fun. ;) Trust me.

People in your life are only as important as you let them be. The moment you oust them from your mind, the world can run smoothly even without them.

Big words and lots of current affairs [man, I dont sneak my boss to read another of those newspapers online!] do not make a good Blog. Good humor sense and the use of it takes you places.
Like someone put it,
Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.
There is nothing like your family. You fight with them, you know that is not the last fight. You kiss them, you know they will kiss you back. You fail, the next time you have a fight, they dont remember to mention that so you feel setback. Whatever they give you, is heartfelt. It is a bond that never breaks.

What I learned...
I learned that to be what you want to be, takes hell lot of time and effort. And a lot of bummers.
Exactly when you think it is all over, things might be on the brink of another makeover. Something better, special. So, just push that little bit more. And tada! Never give up.
I learned that friends are those that come to you when you say 'no leave me alone, I deserve the pain'.
I learned being angry does not mean I can be cruel and hurt people.

And life is filled with weeks and months and years and decades like this one.. I am actually looking forward to the learning part. :)
Cheerz to Life!

Apr 14, 2010

I just forgave that someone. :)
I am peaceful inside now. :)
I like talking things out. I did it this time too. Feeling real better.

Apr 13, 2010

This and That.

Peace with self. Actually everything else comes after it. Today, while I was praying [Atheists, please ignore this sentence. I hope one day you get a chance to read it. Agnostics, you are welcome, it is your call. Believers, please continue. :)] I wondered what was more important than happiness. Peace. And not outside. Inside you.
The world could be in chaos and if your inside is brimming with peace, nothing affects you.

Your house gives you protection. What if the insides are dirty? Insides themselves are a threat? The insides eat you. And you die from the inside. When you are angry with someone, the anger dirties your mind. Kills you in a way. Takes away the life you are having otherwise. Every negative emotion does that.
I forget fast. Especially these negative emotions. Unless I hate that person or thing a lot. Then it lingers. Lingers and sometimes eats me from inside. I have to work hard to forgive or forget then. Not that hating someone changes anything about them. Or forgiving either. So, basically, it just affects me. Why kill myself for someone I hate?

When you love something, there is nothing better than it for you. So then one day you find something better, then you are finally out of love with that thing. Some stick to former thinking about the commitment part. Others just move on to this new thing. I am thinking of moving over to a new mobile. And with it, a lot of things will get changed. Lots of things amassed from last 5 years..

Coming to lighter stuff, you know, these days I have taken a liking to nose rings. It is sexy I have to admit. And I want to try one out myself. In fact, I checked out the fancy stores for one. But the thing about me is, I have this exact one in my mind. I have not yet met my match. Some people tell me it makes me look like a gangster. Of all the looks I want, a gangster would not hurt. :D

And a good news. My sis goes through my blog now. :) Welcome aboard babe. Just don't tell amma  n appa I am someone else here. ;) Though it would be great for me if you grace my blog with your comments.

And my kids, I learnt something from the experience there. First impressions don't last. The ones that impressed me in the first three days, lag. Some silent ones are better learners. I like this new perspective. That of a teacher. You know, what they say is right. I can see everything from where I stand. In the front. And I notice better now.

Had a wonderful time with friends today. :) Thanks to them! The couple [ :P ], Anupettan, Suraj, Suhas.. We should have had Ka too with us. He missed a lot of fun.
Not in a great mood these days. Trying to forgive someone. For some hurt. And forget that what hurts. Not an easy job. The trip certainly helped a lot. Thanks guys! :)

PS- Thanks to Suraj and his parents for that feast! The trip..The treat.. The jokes.. Leg pulling.. Everything. I loved every moment I spent with ya guys. Dil Se! :)

Apr 8, 2010

Two days with 'em..

Two days.
Two days into an experiment. Whether I could be a good teacher or not. Nope. I am just getting used to being the adult among kids. I have always been the kid among adults. You know, when kids look upto you in everything you do, it is a bit uncomfortable if you are acting like one. I mean, I cant scold a kid for being late if I myself am late. So, they might slowly change me. For the better.
I have students from classes 5th to 9th. The class for 10th standard has not started yet.
The youngest are the most active and I find myself in some of them.
They notice everything from the fact that I am wearing a jeans to my chudidar top, to the purse I carry, to the way I walk.. It is like you are on scrutiny every moment.

Sometimes, they bring out awkward but painful things and I would not have anything to say. Today I was telling them about the need of a job and about taking care of parents when they finally stand on their legs.. And a kid gets up and says "I cant take care of my parents. They are gone." He just does.
I could not say anything. I mean, what do I say?
I have to learn that.

The first day, yesterday that is, I enter the space for staff after the class and one guy jumps off his chair. "Wow! This is my chechi [elder sis]!!!"
Oh yes, this kid was the younger bro of one of my classmates from school. Wow, that is like, five years out of school and what? Him being 3-4 years younger to me? And he still remembers. :)
So, the kids who had tagged along with me to the staff space, they look at me in awe. I am someone great for the sir they respect and love. So, for the kids, I am SOMEONE. You know how kids are!
And then S [that bro I told you about] and me catch up on our lives after school. He had acquired a weird nick name too. Jillu :D
Suddenly my phone vibrates. I jump. Had put it my jeans pocket. Five years living with it and I still haven't gotten used to it vibrating on my hip bone.
Anyways, I pick it up and listen to a good news. One of my class mates, just out of the labor room. Baby gal. :)

Then slowly my mind works on it... Oh man, am I getting verrrry old? :(
Nah nah! I tell myself. They married early.
As I was lost in thoughts, a kid announces.
"Sir, I have a secret to tell you."
"This is my sis. You can say it in front of her alright."
"No sir. Please?"

I interrupt and say "Why dont you go listen to what she has to say?"
I was trying to curb back my 'feelings' that I aint having a family of own yet, when I heard this urgent whisper, pretty audible..
"Sir, Athul today stopped me after class and told me that he will let me go only if I told him I love you."
I was like "WHAT??!" And a grin bloomed on my face. Kids this age..!! [Now I even sound old.:D Dont I?]
"What did you say?"
"I called his sister. And then he tells her he didnt do it. 'You think I will do that?' All filmy style blackmail."
"I will talk to him. Dont worry."

And the girl leaves. I still have the smile plastered on my face. And the sir near me exclaims, "Have not even cleared the boards yet and he walks around saying I love yous. I am catching hold of that little mischief!"
Then I lose it and start laughing.
S comes back and says "They trust us. We got to understand chechi.."

The senior sir told me how to deal with kids. Not that I am good at it now. I am learning. :) Happily learning. I always loved kids you know.. :)

CheerZ to the kids that are still innocent. :)

PS- Today, I was sleeping and I get up. The outside was hazy. I check my mob for time. 1.57. "Great! Now the mob's clock is not working anymore! It is 7.57! OMG! I am late for the class!"
Then I looked outside again. Oh! It was raining outside and it WAS 1.57pm. :)
Two days and I am already having night[day]mares about missing classes! Hehe.. ;)

Apr 6, 2010

My scores are directly proportional to my frustration. I owe gamers. And English. :)
I play with a robot. This thing knows ALL the right moves that it pisses you every once in a while.
I start taking classes from tomo. I hope I turn out a good teacher. Amma was one before she turned to banking.
I want to be too. :)

Wish me luck!

Apr 5, 2010

Life is Unfair. So are..

The world is unfair. I know everybody a bit grown up knows that. Still. My blog has always been about things I learn from life. So cant HELP[!!!] exclaiming when things are so unfair.

So I play Scrabble and grumble and shoot people.
Not the real shooting, though if given a fair chance, I would. The more angry I am, the more successful in killing I am.

I feel like I should be unfair to people too. Just to prove that I can contribute to the whole unfair system of life.

Sometimes, I remember someone's words.
"God must be either an idiot or a child with all the materials to create world. Nobody else would make chaos when you are omnipotent."
He is right. I would not. If I were god. Unless I have the selfish motive of people remembering and pleading to me. But selfishness is supposedly a human trait?

I hate things being imposed upon me. It is my life and I want it my way. But no. Just so people tend to act first and think later, I end up paying sh*t for what they do. All they need to do is do another Pilate. Safe and secure. But then words said can be 'Taken Back'. And promises, retracted and broken.

When you fail or are idle for too long, you start believing you are not worth it. I have been idle for so long that I dont know if I would be able to cope with the daily workload once I start doing something. Or whether I would be upto it.
The other day, I was lunching with some of my friends when one guy said

"You know, your this friend is immensely intelligent.. The arguments he brings on while with you.."
"I argue with him. And I even win every once in a while!! So should nt I be called intelligent too?"
"Hey! I never said you are not intelligent. Only said he is.."
Another chips in "Yeah she does nt believe she is intelligent anymore. All that inferiority that has accumulated in her in the past year.."
I groan in my mind at this realization. Oh maaaaaan!!

And then, I come home to find that this something else has gone wrong. And to add to it, somebody keeps telling me I am insecure. You know, sometimes it is too much to hold on.

Anyways, I just learnt one thing. It is not just life, but people too can be unfair to you. Suck it up,. You got no choice. Other than to give up.

I wonder when I will be my better self...

Apr 4, 2010

I am on my REM..

There, in a lovely charming land,
where the roses made bed,
she met him..
And thought it was just a dream.

But no, the dream came alive.
And she saw him live.
They chat, they share,(for so long, that)
Being apart became something they couldn't bear.

Or so she thought.
Until the message he brought.
"Please stop loving me babe,
You are imagining too much, may be!"

She sat broken hearted.
The bed of roses, had thorns in them.
And thus they parted,
you must know, it's the end of a dream.

Apr 2, 2010